Life

This week has been a roller coaster ride. From a high high to a low low. Tuesday my personal trainer came to my house for our first session. He was really nice and I think I am going to like having him come to see me once a week for support and for learning how to move my body so I can get healthier. God just worked this out so that I could have the support I needed to lose weight. I spent Christmas Eve day at my mom's house. I almost fell when I was leaving and had a hard time getting to the car to go home. This totally ruined everything that had went before. I spent Christmas Day at home by myself which had sort of been the tradition since I moved out of my mom's house 5 years ago. Friday night I started having a melt down. I cried all weekend. On Sunday afternoon a brother from church that has never called me before called my mom and got my phone number and called me to check on me. I cried and cried when I got off the phone because I knew God had heard my cries and was letting me know that He heard me and that I would be ok. After church Sunday night a sister who I have known my whole life but who rarely calls me called and just wanted to know if I was ok. I am thankful for my church family and for God impressing on their hearts that I needed someone to pray and I needed someone to reach out to me. I get so frustrated sometimes and I wonder when it all will get better or when things will change but I just have to keep focused and learn to roll with this crazy thing called life.

Family Christmas

Yesterday my family celebrated Christmas. The kids couldn't wait to open their presents and Jaxon started opening them up before everyone got there. I wanted to share my plan for yesterday. I talked to my mom and found out what was being served and then I planned what I would eat accordingly. My mom brought a plate to me and I ate in the livingroom with the kids playing while everyone else ate around the kitchen table. I know this didn't help in distancing myself from others but it helped me achieve my goal of not overeating. I ate mostly protein and vegetables and didn't eat potato salad or bread. I enjoyed a sugar free dessert and savored the taste of all the other food I allowed myself to eat. The only set back was when two of my sisters started eating dessert in front of me. I asked one of them to not bring anything else in and then the other one came in so I asked her to go back to the kitchen. No one really liked that I did that but I need to be true to myself and I couldn't handle the temptation of fudge and cake. I hope by this time next year I am able to walk around and enjoy being with my family without having to plan ahead but if not I will make it. I have to keep telling myself that I can win this fight with God's help.

The Joy and Pain of two year olds

I have a had wonderful past two days. I have felt happy and hopeful. Of course watching a 2 year old play always puts a smile on my face. My sister Chrissy brought her son Jaxon to visit yesterday. He is so smart. He can watch you do something one time and then he knows how to do it from then on. He can even see part of what you are doing and figure the rest out. He has had a delay in speech but in my family it is probably more of not being able to get a word in edge-wise. He is the kind of person who sets back and looks over the situation and then acts. He's a lot like my dad that way. He has the most incredible little laugh. He laughs all the time and it is so infectious. He also has the worst temper I have ever seen. He screams if he doesn't get his way and he doesn't give up or back down. You know when a kid does something and you tell him to look you in the eye and most kids won't they will do anything to keep from looking you in the eye because they know they are in trouble. Well he will look you straight in the eye and he doesn't back down or give up. My nieces and nephews are just wonders but of course I am prejudiced. Sara and Bayker have already showed musical talent and Rayvn is so tender hearted. Jaxon is just a bundle of joy. Mom says he is meaner than a striped snake but of course it's when he is acting like granny that he is mean(usually when he won't back down for nothing). I think it is funny how they will stare each other down because it's her eyes only brown looking at her. I don't think she has realized that yet. I guess I should stop talking about him for now.

Loneliness and Hope

I have made some interesting revelations about myself in the past week or so. I have made myself alone. I know that whole sentence sounds funny but I have. I have felt rejected so many times and instead of enduring that kind of hurt again I have withdrawn and not let anyone in. The weight has also been a way to withdraw or isolate. I have felt like ok if people are going to reject me I will give them a reason. I will be fat and then they will not like me because of that and not because I am bossy or not funny or too serious. I have used the pounds to put a wall up around my heart physically, mentally, and emotionally. All of this comes at an emotional time for me. November 16th was the two year anniversary of my best friend, Doug's death and December 11th was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. I have to move past these things. Neither of these special men would want me to stay mired in the grief I feel for them this time of year. I have decided to celebrate their lives this year and to also enjoy this season of hope and love now more than ever before. I have to open up to people and writing this blog, though sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, has been a way to do that. I have known Krista for years now but we have never really talked or anything and Valerie I have known of for years also and I have never really talked to her either but somehow I have been able to open up to the two of you. I know other people will eventually read this and that's ok but I have allowed someone in and that feels like a major accomplishment right now. This past week has been horrible on my weight loss journey. I have let down in taking my blood sugar and I have not written any food in my food journal but I feel like I have grown a little because I have been dealing with the past and dealing with the reasons I have reached the weight I have.
I received a wonderful blessing in my nutritionist appointment yesterday. My nutritionist was joined by a personal trainer that works with her in helping people manage their weight and reach their goals. The personal trainer saw right through all the carefully developed facade of my outward appearance and saw how I was just covering up my hurt and pain and not letting myself be vulnerable and trusting. I almost started crying which I hate to do in public. My sister Chrissy did start crying and that made it worse for me. I have got to learn to feel my feelings. Sounds really odd doesn't it. To feel your feelings, what else can you do with them. I have become a master at covering them up and hiding what I really felt. I have dealt with anger and depression in the last couple of weeks and as the weight is coming off I have to deal with what got me to that place in the first place and that has been a difficult thing to do. Not dealing with my feelings has only gotten me to the place of having anxiety attacks and anxiety related seizures. As I deal with the feelings the anxiety has come over me but I know now that I will get through the anxiety attack and I will make it out the other side.

Found this on Krista's blog

This was on Krista's blog and I thought I would try this also. I, like Krista, will highlight the things I have done. There are 200 of these so sorry if it takes forever to read.

Have you ever:

1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris- I planned to and even took 3 years of French in High School but they went to Spain instead of France the year I was eligible so I didn't get to go.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty- when I was 13 with the church group only reason I did was because Johnny Herbie Pratt said I couldn't which was just a ploy to get me to do it.
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort-does a snow commode count
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run-only because the people kept dropping the ball so I made all the way home
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors- if the little cabin where my mom was born counts
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied- every time I pay my bills and have enough left over to do me until I get more money
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight-no but I could bench press 145lbs at one time
46. Milked a cow-no but I have milked a goat when I was a little girl
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke-at home with my family
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest-no but does second count, 4th grade went as Cindy Lauper
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently-like I said 3 years of French but can't do it now.
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone - physical
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy-didn't buy it but play with my dolls and stuff with my niece
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did-Shelton Laurel Masacre
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover-haven't finished but have tried 2 years in a row to do this maybe this year
86. Changed someones mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name-as in Alias since I was doing something I shouldn't have been, not illegal but probably was immoral, young and stupid at the time
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad-started an English translation but just couldn't do it
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch - does sewing count?
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair-I have had blonde, crayon red, purple, hot pink, black, brown, and auburn colored hair, natural is dark brown graying
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all four-and the cat was mad at me forever, when I was a kid
106. Raked your carpet - when I was a kid
107. Brought out the best in people- or so I was told by supervisors and ex boyfriends
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe.
113. Buried a child
114. Gone to a Broadway (or equivalent to your country) play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket-actually won the women's three point shoot out at the factory where I worked in KY, only two men in the whole company did better and I wasn't even trying, my mom is a great basketball player and played center on her elementary school team and she taught me to shoot.
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird-no but I have hit one with the car
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone-used to volunteer to teach people to read and also volunteered at an after school program helping children who were academically challenged
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style- helped bring the poof to my high school but Chanda, my sister, had the best poof we called it her bunker
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book-self published a silly story for one of my sister's when she was sick.
128. Pieced a quilt- (a very small one!)
129. Lived in a historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one - does Putt Putt count?- I beat Jaron just don't remind him because he will say I cheated and I didn't
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating-fell three times before I even got into the rink so I gave up 135. Ran a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo- a brother at church asked me to and I am tone deaf but he seemd to think I could sing so I gave it a try and almost fainted
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment-just today I said thank you to a compliment instead of my first thought of making a joke about it
145. Written a love-story
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David-on same church trip some of the ladies were scandalized and didn't want me to look even though I was 13 and totally clueless about why
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury-does mock trial in school count
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers-the definition is short like underpants
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator- for a short time during a power outage probably why I am terrified of them now
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life-Chrissy would disagree but she fell in the ocean when I was 12 and she was 8 and I pulled her out by her long red hair. The tide was taking her out and everything. She was more mad at me for pulling her hair.
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint-know how to needlepoint-badly, have a tatting shuttle and some tatting my grandmother made
178. Laughed till your side hurt-just tonight at Jaxon throwing a fit
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hostel
184. Been a cashier-in high school helped run the store in Marketing and I ran the cash register then.
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a camp fire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube-finally
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend-just recently
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to a NJP newsletter

This was fun and I hope informative.

Food and My relationship to it

I have always had a love/hate relationship with food. I love how it tastes and makes me feel but I hate that it controls so much of my life. In talking with my nutrionist today I have to come up with ways to distract myself from food and to focus my energy on something else. I have had a difficult week with feeling bad and worrying about my sister. I know I shouldn't worry but that is on thing God has not removed from me so I just have to keep fighting on. I turn to food for comfort and for security. I need to turn more to God and I also need to find an outlet for those feelings and another way to sooth my nerves and ease my troubled mind. Blogging has become therapy for me. I know there are only a few people who read this blog but I think mostly this is for me and the help it s giving to me. If someone else gets something from this then I am happy but I know it has helped me to make progress and I hope I continue to.

God IS MOVING!

Chanda got to come home from the hospital today. The doctor informed her that he couldn't find an infection now. He was baffled that the MRI showed an infection and the culture has not shown one so far. YEAH! Isn't God so good to us! So he sent her home with a muscle relaxer and pain meds until Monday when she goes back to see him in his office. I know that it is the Lord moving for her. I know that she was prayed for by the brothers at church twice this weekend and I know God moved and is still moving. I just wanted to share this and Praise God for all he is doing for us. His tender mercies we never deserve but are so blessed with. I am so thankful that He touched her body. He has always been there for my family and He continues to watch over us and help us. I don't know what I would do without Him.