Thanksgiving

I am so thankful for the wonderful Thanksgiving Day that my family had. I got to go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. In the past few years I have missed more family holidays than I have been able to attend. Last year I fell the day before Thanksgiving and broke my knee in two places so I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas so I feel especially blessed this year to get to spend the time with my family. This year I may even go on Christmas. I have spent Christmas Day at home the last four years. My family usually celebrates Christmas early because my sisters go to their in-laws homes on Christmas Day but this year my sister Chrissy's husband does not get off for Christmas til the day before and he will be coming from South Carolina so we will celebrate the Saturday after Christmas more than likely but I think I will go to my mom's on Christmas Day anyway. My sister Connie didn't come up for Thanksgiving and Candy was in Nashville with her husband's mother so it was the three babies, me, Chanda, and Chrissy and my brother-in-law Steve and my niece Rayvn and my nephews Jaxon and Bayker. We had a wonderful time and my mom actually cooked the meal this year. She hasn't cooked the Thanksgiving meal in about 4 or 5 years. Me, Chanda, or Chrissy and sometimes a combination of us all cook and Connie or Candy may bring a dessert or something but this year we kept it really simple and mom was able to cook it herself. Of course Chanda is not feeling well, I couldn't drive up there early and fix anything like I have before and Chrissy didn't get in til the night before so that is why she did it. I think it made her happy that she was able to do it. She has either had a broken arm or she had been sick every year. One year my sister Connie was in the hospital. Thank God that everyone was well this year. Speaking of being well my sister Chanda has to go in the hospital Tuesday for a biopsy on her spine. I am sort of upset about this not because I don't know that God can heal her but because this is the time of year we lost my dad and it always makes us cautious when one of us gets sick this time of year. My dad, Jay Shelton, died two weeks before Christmas 25 years ago and it still bothers us. I don't agree that time makes things better because some days it will hit me and it will be just like I was that 9 year old kid again. Of course those days are fewer and farther between but it is still there. Please be in prayer for my sister and my family. My baby sister Chrissy and her son Jaxon is going to stay with us until after Christmas. Her husband Steve and their oldest son Bayker are going home so please pray for Steve that Bayker won't get sick or anything and that he will be able to handle him alone. Chrissy is staying to help take care of my mom, Chanda, Rayvn, and me since we don't have anyone else to do it. Candy is in school until the middle of December and I know she will be helping too. Connie has to work and will not be able to help much but I know she will go to the hospital and sit with Chanda and help her as much as she can. Just please keep us in your prayers.

Rayvn's blog entry

Rayvn is excited because she is going to see her cousins. Their names are Jaxon, Bayker, Sara, Tommy Ray, Megan, Tyler, Heath, and her brother Brandon. Her brother Brandon loves her. He hugs me everytime I go to see him. She can't wait to eat turkey on Thanksgiving. She is thankful for friends and family. I'm thankful for God, Jesus,and the food she has, and she is thankful that she has somewhere to sleep. This is probably because she got a new bedroom suit from her Aunt Candy and Uncle Gary because her bed was too small. She willbe celebrating Thanksgiving at her granny's house and then Friday she will go to her Meme's house.

Rayvn was at my house and we decided to post a blog entry for her. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.

PS My sister Chanda has an infection in her spine(we don't think it is meningitis) and also has to have a biopsy on Tuesday morning. She will be out of work indefinitely and will be in the hospital about a week and then at home on iv antibiotics.

Sister

I would like for anyone who is reading my blog to pray for my baby sister. It is funny sometimes to think of her as my baby sister because she is 6' tall and she more or less tells me what to do. We are only one year apart in age, actually 1 year and 9 days to be exact. She has been having problems with her back for quite a while now. She hasn't really wanted anyone to know but it is looking like there could really be something wrong with her. I depend on her to buy my groceries and to take me places and I have been trying to back off alot on going anywhere because she is always in so much pain afterwards but then she just fusses at me if I don't go and says you need to get out of the house. She doesn't know that for the last two months I have felt like leaving the house just not wanting her to have to pick up my wheelchair and put it in her truck. She has had two MRIs in the last week and tommorrow she will be going to a specialist. We really don't know what is wrong with her other than a disc is really overfilled with fluid and bone marrow is leaking out around it. Everything I have found on the web has led to arthritis or cancer and I am really scared. I spent my childhood taking care of her and she has spent the last two years taking care of me. She will always be my doll, I thought my parents were bringing her home for me to play with and I called her doll when she was born and that sort of stuck. I wish everyone would please pray for her. She has been through so much with an abusive marriage that she is finally getting out of and I hope that God spares her more pain. She has a six year old daughter who is me made over. I sometimes joke with her that God felt she hadn't learned what she needed to from me so He gave her another me to teach her more. So please pray for her and my family. I know God will see us through all of this I just hope it is really nothing.

Control

I sort of flipped out over the weekend. My whole time was spent obsessing about food. My nutritionist had given me guidelines to go by in choosing my daily food intake. She had also put down that she wanted me to eat up to 6 times a day. Most people would probably think who hoo I can eat six times a day. Not me, I was like I have to face eating and choosing what to eat and when to stop six times a day. I sort of freaked and ate way too much and then today when I talked to her we changed plans. I am going to work on being mindful about what I eat, I am going to try to change some of my bad habits and I am going to keep writing in my food diary and taking my blood sugars and working a little at a time. I felt it was a control issue. Having a meal plan meant someone was controlling what I was eating and I wasn't in control anymore. I know what I have been doing in the past hasn't worked but I am not ready to be on a diet anymore I want to change habits and make wise choices myself not do what someone else tells me to do. That to me is not changing me it's controlling me and I have to be in charge of what I eat. I figured out since I am in the wheelchair I have lost control of all other aspects of my life but the food part. I know in the past I have been too controlling in my life and I have had to learn to give control over to my family and to God but the one little area of my life I was still controlling was what I eat. My nutritionist was so understanding and she is letting me tell her how I need her support now. I know that control is a habit I have to break but I am not ready to do that yet. Maybe someday I will be able to let go completely and stop being a control freak. I know that the part of me that is compulsive and a perfectionist has to be addressed and dealt with. I know I have to deal with guilt and other things. I know with the support of my family, friends, and nutritionist but most of all God I can conquer the problems and learn how to control my being controlling. Funny huh!

Nutritionist Report

I am sort of anxious today. I just got off the phone with my nutrionist and she has asked me to eat more than I have been. Not in quantities but in times a day. Just two months ago I did well if I ate twice a day. I usually would eat one large meal and then I would not eat until the next day at the same time. I have started to eat three meals a day and I know that I have to learn to eat the right way and more often so that I can achieve my goal of losing weight. I have anxiety because I feel eating got me to where I am now and I have to learn that food is my friend not my enemy. I know that I have to turn to God for help in this and I have to be willing to change myself. I am trying to change and grow. This has been an uncomfortable thing for me but getting uncomfortable helps you to change habits and to grow as a person. I have for too long just tried to not be uncomfortable. I have not left my house unless I absolutely had to and I have used my discomfort to keep me prisoner to my anxiety and fear. I have to be uncomfortable, I have to face my fears. Psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried unto the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the moutains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah
This is one place that I love when I am feeling anxious and alone, I know that I am never alone. I can do this with the Lord's help

Change- yourself and others

I have been doing alot of thinking and soul searching in the last few months. I have been trying to change myself. I truly believe we can change no one but ourselves. I have never understood people that start dating someone and then say I see so much potential in that other person and I know I can change them or make them better in some way. I have never felt I should be in a relationship with someone I want to change. God can change people but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I want God to change. I feel that people need to accept others for who they are warts and all and love them like they are. If you have fundamental differences with a person like religion or the way you want to raise your children or what you think is right in general then you don't need to be with that person even if you are already in love with them. Some say love is enough but I believe that after the first bloom of love there has to be respect and you have to have shared goals and dreams. This is coming from a single woman but I have watched so many people go into marriage and relationships thinking that if they would only change this or that that everything would be perfect and those tiny differences have ended up causing them to divorce. I hate to hear people say I don't know what happened, all of a sudden things were different. I think people see through rose colored glasses lots of time. I have been in relationships with people who I have had differences of religion and ethics with I have tried to make those relationships work only to realize I would have to give up to much of myself and what I believe in to make them work. I see so many people hurting because their spouse changed after they were married. I think alot of people go along with what they think the other person wants just to get them and then it's like I have them I can be myself now. I want God to put me together with the person he wants me to be with. I want God to send someone to me that believes the same way I do and has the same morals and ethics and basic compatibility with me that I need. I don't want another me I want someone to compliment me. And if it is God's will that I don't marry then I am fine with that. It has taken alot of changing myself to get to this point.

Bad Day

Two years ago today I lost a dear, dear friend. His name was Doug. He was 40 years old and died in a car accident. He was probably the best guy friend I ever had. I talked to him at least 4 times a week. The way we met was we went out on a date. Actually we ended up going out on two. The sparks didn't fly for either one of us but we found a friend. I think sometimes it is better to have a friend than a boyfriend. When I would be upset I would call him and tell him what was going on and he would cuss for me. I know that sounds funny but I try not to cuss and he would just start cussing and I would start laughing at him and I always felt better. I know that sounds crazy but I am the type of person who will let people walk over me until I just can't take it anymore then I will explode. Sometimes when I am sad or lonely I will wish he was still here to talk to. He was such a gentle soul naturally. He loved animals and tried to treat people with respect. He only cussed for me so I wouldn't and so I would laugh. We were the type of friends that if I needed him at 3:00 in the morning I could call him or if he needed me anytime he could call me. We didn't have any secrets between us and he knew the real me. Sometimes I think no one else really ever has. I realized that today was the anniversary of his death when I wished for the millionth time I could talk to him and then I saw the date. I thought the best way I could honor his memory today would be to do the one thing he always admonished me to do, take care of myself. He would be so proud of me for making a change in my life. He would be cheering me on at ever turn and making me start all over again. I know he would want me to be happy and so I am going to try to do that in honor of him and everything he meant to me.

13 not 32

I lost 13 pounds. I know it wasn't the 32 that I had hoped for but 13 has always sort of been my lucky number. Not lucky in the superstitious sense but I just really like 13. I guess it all goes back to me always liking the underdog. 13 has such a bad rap and it hasn't done anything. I digress. I am really encouraged at first I was sort of disappointed but I did the math and that is 1.625 pounds per week and my nutritionist was excited that I was losing the weight healthfully. I have lost it quickly in the past and then just as quickly gained it all back and more so I guess slow and steady wins the race. I think it was Paul in the New Testament that said in whatever state I find myself to be content. I know this isn't exactly the direct quote but I couldn't quickly find the verse in the Bible. I am happy and content that I lost 13 pounds. I am thankful to God for helping me and making it different this time. This time has been totally different than anytime in the past. I feel encouraged and hopeful this late in the game. Most of the time by now I would have become discouraged. My nutritionist is trying to teach me to not feel guilty when I make a mistake but to learn from it. I hope that I will continue to grow and learn.

Tommorrow is W day

Tommorrow I weigh in. After keeping a food journal for 8 weeks and with the help of a nutritionist I am finally weighing to see if I have lost any weight. I feel confident that I have but I am also nervous. I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds in the past. Usually I will lose 70-80 pounds and then get stuck and give up and gain it all back and more. I know alot of people are saying that's alot of weight but when you have hundreds to lose you get frustrated. With the help of God I know this time is different. My goal for tommorrow is 32 pounds and I know I am supposed to lose weight slowly but I hope initially I can lose an average of 4 pounds a week. Next month when I weigh I will have a goal of 3 pounds per week. I am a binge eater and a compulsive over eater. I have tried all the groups and diets that are commercially available, I have been to 6-8 therapists to try to figure out why I am overweight but I have recently been having consultations with a nutritionist once a week and she has directed me in figuring out my different types of hunger and she directed me to a site www.tcme.org . This site is The Center for Mindful Eating. I have learned alot of, for lack of a better word, rituals to help me in my battle against overeating.

Mindful eating checklist
Created Nov. 11, 2008

1. Evaluate my feelings, am I stressed, tired, sad, happy, bored, etc.
2. Evaluate my hunger on a scale of 0-10, 0 being not hungry, 10 being famished, try to eat before I get so hungry I overeat
3. Ask myself, what do I want, what do I need, what do I have?
4. Take steps to maintain portion control. Check packaging for portion size, cook only enough for one meal or immediately put up any remaining food after one portion size.
5. Enjoy the act of making my meal
6. When I eat concentrate only on the meal before me, don’t talk on the phone, watch t.v., or have any distractions, if distractions happen stop eating and remove myself from the food.
7. Enjoy the eating process, how each bite tastes, the contrasts of flavors and try to pick out each thing your tasting, sour, sweet, salty, savory, etc.
8. When I finish one portion re-evaluate feelings, hunger level, and if I only want more or am I actually still hungry
9. Remove myself from the food and redirect my focus if I am just emotional eating. Don’t ignore my cravings.

These are some things I learned that have helped me so far. I hope someone else can use this information to help them also.

My mother

I was talking to my mom about what to name my blog and she said "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." My mom, Anna Belle, is not big on being sorry for yourself. Everytime I get down she says to look at my blessings. You have a beautiful home don't you. Yes momma. You can walk a little bit can't you. Yes momma. You are not in a ditch somewhere with nothing to eat are you. No momma. She will not allow me to throw a pity party and her be an attendant. I know she is right. My life such as it is could be alot worse. I have alot of health problems but they could always be worse. When we go to church or anywhere for that matter and someone asks her how she is she always says I'm fine or I'm better than I have a right to be. Oh, by the way the comments above are actually what she says. Yes, she says you are not in a ditch somewhere. She has alot of colorful sayings and I will probably share more with you along the way. She is alot older than most parents of 34 yr olds. She is 73 and she is a character. She grew up in a mining community until her parents saved enough to build a house on my grandmother's property. She lived in a block house until she was 17 and then she moved to Michigan to live with my aunt and work in a candy factory. She has often told us of how she would make the big suckers that swirl around. She said she had to swirl them into a circle, cut the end off, and then put the stick in the bottom. She has lots of stories from where she has worked in her life. She actually worked until she was 6 months pregnant with me. She left Michigan to take care of my uncle Bill's children. That's how she met my dad. His mother was neighbors with my aunt and uncle. She has had an eventful and colorful life. Married at 18, 1st child at 19, second at 24, 3rd at 39, 4th at 40, and last but not least at 42 her 5th baby, all girls. She has always been a caretaker. She took care of my grandmother, my uncle Chalk, and my dad was chairman of the deacon board at church and she felt it was her responsibility to take care of everyone at church. She tried to make sure everyone had food, clothes, and a way to church. She has been present at more than 14 homebirths and helped each woman with cleaning the house, making a meal, etc. When I was small and people she knew passed away she would always show up at their house with a meal and would clean their house or do anything she could to make this time easier for them. After my dad died, when she was just 48, she slowed down alot. She didn't feel it was her place to do like she did before so she stepped back so the deacons' wives at church would step up and carry on her tradition. I think of her alot when our current chairman of the deaconboard's wife does the things my mom used to do. Momma often bemoans the fact that she is not able to do for people like she used to. She has osteoporosis and degenerative spine disorder as well as osteoarthritis and other ailments and that slows her down alot. She still will come to my house weekly and sweep or do things I am not able to do. I guess you could say that over the past few years she has become my best friend.