Thanksgiving

I am so thankful for the wonderful Thanksgiving Day that my family had. I got to go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. In the past few years I have missed more family holidays than I have been able to attend. Last year I fell the day before Thanksgiving and broke my knee in two places so I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas so I feel especially blessed this year to get to spend the time with my family. This year I may even go on Christmas. I have spent Christmas Day at home the last four years. My family usually celebrates Christmas early because my sisters go to their in-laws homes on Christmas Day but this year my sister Chrissy's husband does not get off for Christmas til the day before and he will be coming from South Carolina so we will celebrate the Saturday after Christmas more than likely but I think I will go to my mom's on Christmas Day anyway. My sister Connie didn't come up for Thanksgiving and Candy was in Nashville with her husband's mother so it was the three babies, me, Chanda, and Chrissy and my brother-in-law Steve and my niece Rayvn and my nephews Jaxon and Bayker. We had a wonderful time and my mom actually cooked the meal this year. She hasn't cooked the Thanksgiving meal in about 4 or 5 years. Me, Chanda, or Chrissy and sometimes a combination of us all cook and Connie or Candy may bring a dessert or something but this year we kept it really simple and mom was able to cook it herself. Of course Chanda is not feeling well, I couldn't drive up there early and fix anything like I have before and Chrissy didn't get in til the night before so that is why she did it. I think it made her happy that she was able to do it. She has either had a broken arm or she had been sick every year. One year my sister Connie was in the hospital. Thank God that everyone was well this year. Speaking of being well my sister Chanda has to go in the hospital Tuesday for a biopsy on her spine. I am sort of upset about this not because I don't know that God can heal her but because this is the time of year we lost my dad and it always makes us cautious when one of us gets sick this time of year. My dad, Jay Shelton, died two weeks before Christmas 25 years ago and it still bothers us. I don't agree that time makes things better because some days it will hit me and it will be just like I was that 9 year old kid again. Of course those days are fewer and farther between but it is still there. Please be in prayer for my sister and my family. My baby sister Chrissy and her son Jaxon is going to stay with us until after Christmas. Her husband Steve and their oldest son Bayker are going home so please pray for Steve that Bayker won't get sick or anything and that he will be able to handle him alone. Chrissy is staying to help take care of my mom, Chanda, Rayvn, and me since we don't have anyone else to do it. Candy is in school until the middle of December and I know she will be helping too. Connie has to work and will not be able to help much but I know she will go to the hospital and sit with Chanda and help her as much as she can. Just please keep us in your prayers.

Rayvn's blog entry

Rayvn is excited because she is going to see her cousins. Their names are Jaxon, Bayker, Sara, Tommy Ray, Megan, Tyler, Heath, and her brother Brandon. Her brother Brandon loves her. He hugs me everytime I go to see him. She can't wait to eat turkey on Thanksgiving. She is thankful for friends and family. I'm thankful for God, Jesus,and the food she has, and she is thankful that she has somewhere to sleep. This is probably because she got a new bedroom suit from her Aunt Candy and Uncle Gary because her bed was too small. She willbe celebrating Thanksgiving at her granny's house and then Friday she will go to her Meme's house.

Rayvn was at my house and we decided to post a blog entry for her. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.

PS My sister Chanda has an infection in her spine(we don't think it is meningitis) and also has to have a biopsy on Tuesday morning. She will be out of work indefinitely and will be in the hospital about a week and then at home on iv antibiotics.

Sister

I would like for anyone who is reading my blog to pray for my baby sister. It is funny sometimes to think of her as my baby sister because she is 6' tall and she more or less tells me what to do. We are only one year apart in age, actually 1 year and 9 days to be exact. She has been having problems with her back for quite a while now. She hasn't really wanted anyone to know but it is looking like there could really be something wrong with her. I depend on her to buy my groceries and to take me places and I have been trying to back off alot on going anywhere because she is always in so much pain afterwards but then she just fusses at me if I don't go and says you need to get out of the house. She doesn't know that for the last two months I have felt like leaving the house just not wanting her to have to pick up my wheelchair and put it in her truck. She has had two MRIs in the last week and tommorrow she will be going to a specialist. We really don't know what is wrong with her other than a disc is really overfilled with fluid and bone marrow is leaking out around it. Everything I have found on the web has led to arthritis or cancer and I am really scared. I spent my childhood taking care of her and she has spent the last two years taking care of me. She will always be my doll, I thought my parents were bringing her home for me to play with and I called her doll when she was born and that sort of stuck. I wish everyone would please pray for her. She has been through so much with an abusive marriage that she is finally getting out of and I hope that God spares her more pain. She has a six year old daughter who is me made over. I sometimes joke with her that God felt she hadn't learned what she needed to from me so He gave her another me to teach her more. So please pray for her and my family. I know God will see us through all of this I just hope it is really nothing.

Control

I sort of flipped out over the weekend. My whole time was spent obsessing about food. My nutritionist had given me guidelines to go by in choosing my daily food intake. She had also put down that she wanted me to eat up to 6 times a day. Most people would probably think who hoo I can eat six times a day. Not me, I was like I have to face eating and choosing what to eat and when to stop six times a day. I sort of freaked and ate way too much and then today when I talked to her we changed plans. I am going to work on being mindful about what I eat, I am going to try to change some of my bad habits and I am going to keep writing in my food diary and taking my blood sugars and working a little at a time. I felt it was a control issue. Having a meal plan meant someone was controlling what I was eating and I wasn't in control anymore. I know what I have been doing in the past hasn't worked but I am not ready to be on a diet anymore I want to change habits and make wise choices myself not do what someone else tells me to do. That to me is not changing me it's controlling me and I have to be in charge of what I eat. I figured out since I am in the wheelchair I have lost control of all other aspects of my life but the food part. I know in the past I have been too controlling in my life and I have had to learn to give control over to my family and to God but the one little area of my life I was still controlling was what I eat. My nutritionist was so understanding and she is letting me tell her how I need her support now. I know that control is a habit I have to break but I am not ready to do that yet. Maybe someday I will be able to let go completely and stop being a control freak. I know that the part of me that is compulsive and a perfectionist has to be addressed and dealt with. I know I have to deal with guilt and other things. I know with the support of my family, friends, and nutritionist but most of all God I can conquer the problems and learn how to control my being controlling. Funny huh!

Nutritionist Report

I am sort of anxious today. I just got off the phone with my nutrionist and she has asked me to eat more than I have been. Not in quantities but in times a day. Just two months ago I did well if I ate twice a day. I usually would eat one large meal and then I would not eat until the next day at the same time. I have started to eat three meals a day and I know that I have to learn to eat the right way and more often so that I can achieve my goal of losing weight. I have anxiety because I feel eating got me to where I am now and I have to learn that food is my friend not my enemy. I know that I have to turn to God for help in this and I have to be willing to change myself. I am trying to change and grow. This has been an uncomfortable thing for me but getting uncomfortable helps you to change habits and to grow as a person. I have for too long just tried to not be uncomfortable. I have not left my house unless I absolutely had to and I have used my discomfort to keep me prisoner to my anxiety and fear. I have to be uncomfortable, I have to face my fears. Psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried unto the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the moutains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah
This is one place that I love when I am feeling anxious and alone, I know that I am never alone. I can do this with the Lord's help

Change- yourself and others

I have been doing alot of thinking and soul searching in the last few months. I have been trying to change myself. I truly believe we can change no one but ourselves. I have never understood people that start dating someone and then say I see so much potential in that other person and I know I can change them or make them better in some way. I have never felt I should be in a relationship with someone I want to change. God can change people but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I want God to change. I feel that people need to accept others for who they are warts and all and love them like they are. If you have fundamental differences with a person like religion or the way you want to raise your children or what you think is right in general then you don't need to be with that person even if you are already in love with them. Some say love is enough but I believe that after the first bloom of love there has to be respect and you have to have shared goals and dreams. This is coming from a single woman but I have watched so many people go into marriage and relationships thinking that if they would only change this or that that everything would be perfect and those tiny differences have ended up causing them to divorce. I hate to hear people say I don't know what happened, all of a sudden things were different. I think people see through rose colored glasses lots of time. I have been in relationships with people who I have had differences of religion and ethics with I have tried to make those relationships work only to realize I would have to give up to much of myself and what I believe in to make them work. I see so many people hurting because their spouse changed after they were married. I think alot of people go along with what they think the other person wants just to get them and then it's like I have them I can be myself now. I want God to put me together with the person he wants me to be with. I want God to send someone to me that believes the same way I do and has the same morals and ethics and basic compatibility with me that I need. I don't want another me I want someone to compliment me. And if it is God's will that I don't marry then I am fine with that. It has taken alot of changing myself to get to this point.

Bad Day

Two years ago today I lost a dear, dear friend. His name was Doug. He was 40 years old and died in a car accident. He was probably the best guy friend I ever had. I talked to him at least 4 times a week. The way we met was we went out on a date. Actually we ended up going out on two. The sparks didn't fly for either one of us but we found a friend. I think sometimes it is better to have a friend than a boyfriend. When I would be upset I would call him and tell him what was going on and he would cuss for me. I know that sounds funny but I try not to cuss and he would just start cussing and I would start laughing at him and I always felt better. I know that sounds crazy but I am the type of person who will let people walk over me until I just can't take it anymore then I will explode. Sometimes when I am sad or lonely I will wish he was still here to talk to. He was such a gentle soul naturally. He loved animals and tried to treat people with respect. He only cussed for me so I wouldn't and so I would laugh. We were the type of friends that if I needed him at 3:00 in the morning I could call him or if he needed me anytime he could call me. We didn't have any secrets between us and he knew the real me. Sometimes I think no one else really ever has. I realized that today was the anniversary of his death when I wished for the millionth time I could talk to him and then I saw the date. I thought the best way I could honor his memory today would be to do the one thing he always admonished me to do, take care of myself. He would be so proud of me for making a change in my life. He would be cheering me on at ever turn and making me start all over again. I know he would want me to be happy and so I am going to try to do that in honor of him and everything he meant to me.