Bariatric Journey and anxiety

I haven't posted in a while but I wanted to update everyone on where I am in my bariatric surgery journey. I have decided to have the bilio-pancreatic diversion with duodenal switch or BPD for short. I am hoping to have the surgery in December but I am still waiting for approval and then I have to wait a month because I have to be on a 800 calorie liver shrinking diet for 4 weeks. My surgeon is to be Dr. Stephen Boyce. He has a clinic in Knoxville and I will be going to Parkwest Hospital for my surgery. My insurance should cover all but a $1500 program fee and the food and vitamins I need for the before surgery diet. I was blessed to get money back from school this semester so the $1500 is in the bank and I am looking forward to getting started. You all know how I have struggled with losing weight. I lost 80 lbs and I have kept off 75 lbs but it has been a struggle to maintain that loss.

I had surgery a few weeks ago that had me worried and I ate too much and gained 9 lbs back. I have since lost it but I am struggling daily because they put me on megace for the suspected cancer and even after they found out I didn't have cancer they have insisted I take it for 3 months to reset my body. I am so thankful to God that I don't have cancer. I had all the symptoms for several years now of endometrial cancer but I had ignored them thinking it could be my Polycystic Ovarian disease. It wasn't and I feel God healed me. The doctor said that he had never see someone so bad not have cancer. God really does still work miracles.

Due to the surgery and some major changes in my life (3 caregivers in a 2 week period, Devin got married, Gary didn't work out and JoAnn agreed to help me again) I have been having major anxiety attacks again. I have had a horrible couple of weeks. I think being put to sleep and the after effects coupled with the medicine side effects (migraines and upset stomach) along with the changes have caused the anxiety level to increase. I wish everyone who reads this would pray for me that I will get control of the anxiety again and be able to leave my home without shaking really bad. I started to church a week ago and we got about a mile from my house and I had to come back home. I just couldn't handle leaving my house. I need to go to church and I have to go take a test this week so I really need your prayers.

I will try to post more on the bariatric surgery as it progresses because it may help someone. I haven't had the time to post because of school but I have missed it and I hope I can find the time again.

The future looks good

I am still plodding along on the weight loss.  I had become a little discouraged with it all and had thought about quitting but I have decided to start again.  Sometimes just making a new start at something helps you to get out of the rut you're in.  My family thought that starting college would make me more nervous and anxious but it has actually helped alot. When you are alone all day long everyday, with the exception of when Devin is with me, it gets hard to keep your mind occupied and that's when the thoughts creep in.  You know the one's I mean, your past, your failings, the insecurites, and fear.  Sunday night a young brother got up to preach and it was like he was talking to me. He said that when things enter your mind get your mind on God instead.  I am trying to get my mind on the Lord when those things enter my head.  Then Monday night at the women's meeting Sis Brenda reinterated that thought.  She told us of a saying I had heard all my life but it's nice to be reminded of it from time to time.  Thoughts are like birds, you can't help one flying over your head but you can keep it from making a nest there.  I am trying to keep the birds nest out of my hair now.  I feel like I let one move in and hatch eggs for so long, lol.  I am doing good in school and looking forward to learning a lot more.  I love to learn, not so much the grading thing though.  I am looking forward to fall break.  Devin and I are planning on going to Myrtle Beach to visit my sister Chrissy, if it is the Lord's will and nothing doesn't happen. The future looks good.

First Week of School

I am already tired and I have only been officially in school since Saturday.  I have already gotten my first grade in English. I have turned in two discussions in English and Intro to Teaching and one in Geography.  I have read my chapter in Intro and am trying to read my chapter in Geography.  Yikes! and tommorrow I will be receiving two more books so that I can start taking these courses.  I am starting to wonder did I bite off more than I can chew or am I just trying too hard when I need to pace myself.  I am going to press on and I hope that I learn a lot in these courses.  I haven't been in school in 17 years and I have never really studied in my life.  I graduated high school with a 3.0 grade point average and I just mostly read what was assigned and did my homework and it just was there.  I guess if I had studied or actually tried I would have had a higher GPA.  I don't know if I even know how to study.  I have been looking at the resources offered online for studying help and I am contemplating using them.  I don't know when I will get to post again so keep me in your prayers that my 35 year old stagnant brain will start to function again and that I can so the coursework I have.

Weekend and Computer

First of all my computer is fixed. I had evidently uninstalled a program wrong and it created a firewall and my computer could not get a connection. Duh, I should have known it was something this simple. Anyway I am back online and I will be starting school next month. I am going to college online and I hope it works out. On to the last weekend.


I attended The Church of God of the Union Assembly at Scottsboro's First Annual Souled Out Youth Rally. I had an awesome time. The kids were so great. It was wonderful to witness them worshipping God. Little ones as well as us big kids had a great time. Silent Praise from Atlanta opened up the event and the sign language they performed to the songs was so beautiful. I am almost crying just thinking about it. Then Dalton's group performed a drama to music and it really made you think about your life and the live's these kids live. Problems with drugs, alcohol, and peer pressure were some of the prevailing themes that the songs they preformed had in common. Then the group from Bessemer performed and later I found out they had only been doing this for a couple of months but they did just as good as the other two groups. What impressed me most about them was the age range and the fact that the littlest was working just as hard for God as the oldest. It was so wonderful. They all did awesome. With all the groups that performed it was so heartfelt and real. I had never witnessed a drama team perform before but it was great. After a brief supper break the groups started performing. I really enjoyed the group from Atlanta and Cody Cookston did a wonderful job also. Justified of course was my favorite but I have to say this or Devin and Sonny will kill me. Just kidding, they did a great job. I am so proud of Devin. Sonny had asked her to sing a song with him and she was so nervous but she did it anyway and she did so good. Eric Cookston's daughter sang next and she was wonderful. Such a clear sweet voice. While Cody was singing kids filled the altar and it was so sweet. Everyone had so much love and was so precious. The group from Scottsboro was the last I got to see perform and then we had to leave. I had been up since 5:30am and it was 10:30pm our time. I was so tired. We had a great time and I hope to get to go to more things like this again. I got to see friends I haven't seen in years and my MySpace page is now full of people I met or hadn't seen in years. Still recovering a little but well worth it.

In other news our VBS starts tonight and I am in charge of the crafts. Please pray that I will do a good job and that something I might say will stick with these kids for the good. Like Bro. Gene Moody and Bro. Jerry Cassell was talking about last night let my words be fitly spoken. I'll post again soon.

P.S. Sonny drove over a huge bridge and I was able to go over it without having an anxiety attack. I got a little nervous but I made it through and I want to thank God for it. I am terrified of heights and water so this was a double whammy.

Tommorrow I weigh

I am a little anxious because tommorrow I weigh if nothing happens. I don't feel like I have lost any more weight and I am nervous because I don't want to get discouraged. I know I will have ups and downs. I am trying to get prepared mentally for tommorrow. Just leaving my house tommorrow will be a big deal because I haven't been anywhere since Christmas Eve and that was only to my mom's house then. The agoraphobia is trying to kick in but I know God will help me to leave tommorrow and not have an anxiety attack. Please pray that I will be able to make it through tommorrow.

Loneliness and Hope

I have made some interesting revelations about myself in the past week or so. I have made myself alone. I know that whole sentence sounds funny but I have. I have felt rejected so many times and instead of enduring that kind of hurt again I have withdrawn and not let anyone in. The weight has also been a way to withdraw or isolate. I have felt like ok if people are going to reject me I will give them a reason. I will be fat and then they will not like me because of that and not because I am bossy or not funny or too serious. I have used the pounds to put a wall up around my heart physically, mentally, and emotionally. All of this comes at an emotional time for me. November 16th was the two year anniversary of my best friend, Doug's death and December 11th was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. I have to move past these things. Neither of these special men would want me to stay mired in the grief I feel for them this time of year. I have decided to celebrate their lives this year and to also enjoy this season of hope and love now more than ever before. I have to open up to people and writing this blog, though sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, has been a way to do that. I have known Krista for years now but we have never really talked or anything and Valerie I have known of for years also and I have never really talked to her either but somehow I have been able to open up to the two of you. I know other people will eventually read this and that's ok but I have allowed someone in and that feels like a major accomplishment right now. This past week has been horrible on my weight loss journey. I have let down in taking my blood sugar and I have not written any food in my food journal but I feel like I have grown a little because I have been dealing with the past and dealing with the reasons I have reached the weight I have.
I received a wonderful blessing in my nutritionist appointment yesterday. My nutritionist was joined by a personal trainer that works with her in helping people manage their weight and reach their goals. The personal trainer saw right through all the carefully developed facade of my outward appearance and saw how I was just covering up my hurt and pain and not letting myself be vulnerable and trusting. I almost started crying which I hate to do in public. My sister Chrissy did start crying and that made it worse for me. I have got to learn to feel my feelings. Sounds really odd doesn't it. To feel your feelings, what else can you do with them. I have become a master at covering them up and hiding what I really felt. I have dealt with anger and depression in the last couple of weeks and as the weight is coming off I have to deal with what got me to that place in the first place and that has been a difficult thing to do. Not dealing with my feelings has only gotten me to the place of having anxiety attacks and anxiety related seizures. As I deal with the feelings the anxiety has come over me but I know now that I will get through the anxiety attack and I will make it out the other side.

Food and My relationship to it

I have always had a love/hate relationship with food. I love how it tastes and makes me feel but I hate that it controls so much of my life. In talking with my nutrionist today I have to come up with ways to distract myself from food and to focus my energy on something else. I have had a difficult week with feeling bad and worrying about my sister. I know I shouldn't worry but that is on thing God has not removed from me so I just have to keep fighting on. I turn to food for comfort and for security. I need to turn more to God and I also need to find an outlet for those feelings and another way to sooth my nerves and ease my troubled mind. Blogging has become therapy for me. I know there are only a few people who read this blog but I think mostly this is for me and the help it s giving to me. If someone else gets something from this then I am happy but I know it has helped me to make progress and I hope I continue to.

Nutritionist Report

I am sort of anxious today. I just got off the phone with my nutrionist and she has asked me to eat more than I have been. Not in quantities but in times a day. Just two months ago I did well if I ate twice a day. I usually would eat one large meal and then I would not eat until the next day at the same time. I have started to eat three meals a day and I know that I have to learn to eat the right way and more often so that I can achieve my goal of losing weight. I have anxiety because I feel eating got me to where I am now and I have to learn that food is my friend not my enemy. I know that I have to turn to God for help in this and I have to be willing to change myself. I am trying to change and grow. This has been an uncomfortable thing for me but getting uncomfortable helps you to change habits and to grow as a person. I have for too long just tried to not be uncomfortable. I have not left my house unless I absolutely had to and I have used my discomfort to keep me prisoner to my anxiety and fear. I have to be uncomfortable, I have to face my fears. Psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried unto the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the moutains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah
This is one place that I love when I am feeling anxious and alone, I know that I am never alone. I can do this with the Lord's help