Bariatric Journey and anxiety

I haven't posted in a while but I wanted to update everyone on where I am in my bariatric surgery journey. I have decided to have the bilio-pancreatic diversion with duodenal switch or BPD for short. I am hoping to have the surgery in December but I am still waiting for approval and then I have to wait a month because I have to be on a 800 calorie liver shrinking diet for 4 weeks. My surgeon is to be Dr. Stephen Boyce. He has a clinic in Knoxville and I will be going to Parkwest Hospital for my surgery. My insurance should cover all but a $1500 program fee and the food and vitamins I need for the before surgery diet. I was blessed to get money back from school this semester so the $1500 is in the bank and I am looking forward to getting started. You all know how I have struggled with losing weight. I lost 80 lbs and I have kept off 75 lbs but it has been a struggle to maintain that loss.

I had surgery a few weeks ago that had me worried and I ate too much and gained 9 lbs back. I have since lost it but I am struggling daily because they put me on megace for the suspected cancer and even after they found out I didn't have cancer they have insisted I take it for 3 months to reset my body. I am so thankful to God that I don't have cancer. I had all the symptoms for several years now of endometrial cancer but I had ignored them thinking it could be my Polycystic Ovarian disease. It wasn't and I feel God healed me. The doctor said that he had never see someone so bad not have cancer. God really does still work miracles.

Due to the surgery and some major changes in my life (3 caregivers in a 2 week period, Devin got married, Gary didn't work out and JoAnn agreed to help me again) I have been having major anxiety attacks again. I have had a horrible couple of weeks. I think being put to sleep and the after effects coupled with the medicine side effects (migraines and upset stomach) along with the changes have caused the anxiety level to increase. I wish everyone who reads this would pray for me that I will get control of the anxiety again and be able to leave my home without shaking really bad. I started to church a week ago and we got about a mile from my house and I had to come back home. I just couldn't handle leaving my house. I need to go to church and I have to go take a test this week so I really need your prayers.

I will try to post more on the bariatric surgery as it progresses because it may help someone. I haven't had the time to post because of school but I have missed it and I hope I can find the time again.

Gratitude Week 7

I have so much to be grateful for this week.  God has moved for my family so much.  My sister Connie was diagnosed with colon cancer.  The biopsy showed cancer and she went in for surgery on Friday.  The doctors took out 6 inches of colon, 4 inches intestine, a few other tumors.  When she was in the recovery room the doctor came in and said "There was no cancer in anything we took out."  THANK YOU GOD!!!!  I can't give God enough praise for what He did for her.  My sister Candy has been going through a lot in the past 2 weeks.  She had several asthma attacks and ended up having a heart attack in South Carolina. While on her way home after she was released from the hospital in SC she had to be admitted in NC.  They thought it was her heart again but it ended up being an infection in her foot.  She asked them to release her to go home to her regular physician.  Her doctor sent her to wound care and they sent her emergency to the hospital in Knoxville.  She had emergency surgery and had her foot debried and two of her toes removed.  That night after surgery she was short of breath and was basically drowning she was so filled with fluid.  My sister Chanda was with her and thank God for her training she knew what to do and called the nurses and told them to bring certain things in for her.  My mom called for prayer for her at 1:30 that morning and God moved.  Her heart rate was over 200 and she was on the verge of death.  Thank God I have my two oldest sisters still here with me today.  My heart is heavy for what my sister Candy is going through.  I have cried over the loss of those precious little toes so hard but I know God has her in His big mighty hands and that He can comfort her and keep her safe.  I know He has plans for her.  We don't know why we have to go through what we do but I have learned one thing God rains on the just and the unjust the same.  He sees everything and I am thankful for His safe harbor and His mercy.

1)  I am grateful for God healing Connie of colon cancer.
2)  I am grateful that God spared Candy's life and I am believing that He will move for her and she won't have to have further surgeries.
3) I am so grateful for God's abundant mercy and love, for the many, many times He has moved for my family.  I can't complain for the things He has allowed to happen because there are so many, many more things that He has kept from our lives. I want to give God a million praises for being with me and my family.

Gratitude Week 6

I am going to cut to the chase this week and get right to the gratitude.

1)  I am grateful for my church family-  I know I have put this one before but I am especially thankful to Sis. Charlene this week for getting a copy of the Assembly that my church has annually.  I haven't gotten to attend in a few years and she has been faithful to get a copy for me to enjoy so that I feel like I am part of the church as a whole.

2)  I am thankful for God's mercy and grace-  My sister Candy has been in the hospital twice in the last week and God has her in his hands.  I know whatever happens He is in control.  I am also thanking God in advance for taking care of my sister Connie in her surgery that is going to be on Friday instead of Thursday.

3)  I am thankful for the peace that God gives me when my mind and heart are in turmoil.  I can turn to Him anytime.  He is truly my friend.  I remember realizing this for the first time after my dad died when I was about 10.  I was in my room in the floor crying and I felt the presence of God and the Holy Ghost comforting me.  I am thankful that even though I have left Him, He has never left me.

The gratitude experiment has been difficult but has become a necessary part of my week.  I sometimes sit down to write and think what in the world do I have to say this week but then I think of the way God has moved in my life in the past week and I can't help but express my love for Him and all He does for me.

Survive vs Thrive

I have been thinking a lot lately about survival.  Survival is ingrained in our brains, bodies, I guess you could say our very cells.  It seems for so long now I have merely survived.  I am like the flower in the garden that keeps coming back year after year that is weaker and weaker with each passing season.  I am ready to thrive.  It seems no matter how hard I try I keep getting stuck and never going forward.  It's like an invisible wall is set at a certain point on my journey and no matter how hard I push or what I throw at that wall it never yields.  I've stood before the wall many times over the years.  I have devised many plans to make that wall crumble at my feet.  It is still there and I am still on this side of the wall.  I have tried to go over it, under it, around it, and through it but still it remains.  Strong, unmoveable, keeping me from where I need to be.  I don't want to become complacent and decide to live on this side of the wall.  The other side holds unknown trials and I am sure some rough roads but the other side calls me to overcome the wall, to move forward and in to the destiny God has for me.  It calls me to action time and again.  I am weak now but God can make me strong again. 

I know this all seems to be poetic or unreal but this is a real struggle I have faced for years.  I quit to come back to the wall over and over again.  I have faced this battle so many times in my life and I want to overcome. Please help me pray that this time I won't fall, this time I will prevail against the enemy and move through to the other side. This time I am calling on my friends and family to help me pray and I am praying God moves quickly for me.  

Please also remember my family this week.  We have had several illnesses...Chanda's knee, Candy's asthma attacks, and Connie goes in for surgery for colon cancer on Thursday.  I know my own struggles are minute in comparison to the battle Connie is facing. Please, please pray that God will heal her and move for her and that this time she will move forward and not go back either.

Gratitude Week Three

I am a little behind with this week's post.  I have been battling a problem with depression lately.  I have some decisions to make and I don't really want to do this.  My sister also has found out she may have cancer and this is worrying me a little.  We will find out tommorrow if it is colon cancer or not.  If you read this please pray for her and her daughter and grandson.  So this week it has been a little hard to think about gratitude but I have so much to be grateful for.  One thing I just sort of figured out today was that I have a friend in Devin.  She is one of my care-givers and I was her nanny when she was little but today I realized she really is a woman now.  This past year I have watched her mature a lot.  Also my friend Sandy has been there so much for me this week and my friend Jo Ann has tried to be there for me but she is going thru alot herself.  SO here goes this is what I am thankful for this week.

1.  For the healing power we have because of Jesus, that God heals us and if not here we have our healing in a glorified body when we pass away.

2. That God has blessed me with wonderful friends in my life, who are there for me when I need them.

3.  That God has blessed my family to be relatively healthy thus far.  If we have to face the big C with my sister I have assurance that God will be with us through the battle.

So that is it for this week.  I really thought it would be harder but when you think about all you have in your life even in your darkest times you can find something to be grateful for.

Just an update, Connie does have colon cancer in two places.  The doctor feels they can remove it and she will not have to have chemo.  She also has a spot on her kidney and spleen.  I am thankful it is not worse than that.  We know God has us in His hands. Please pray for her and our family.

Gratitude

For a while now I have wanted to start writing gratitude postings on my blog.  I was reading an article in Reader's Digest about how being grateful and expressing it at least once a week makes a person happier.  So at first I decided, oh, I will post everyday then but I went back and reread the article or the rest of the story as they say and here is the gist of it.  People who started out this experiment gungho and wrote in a gratitude journal everyday soon became burned out and went back to the old way.  The feelings of thankfulness and a sense of well being disappeared.  The study showed that those who expressed their gratitude once a week kept up the practice and over time showed increased levels of happiness and contentment with their lives.

I have been going through a battle with anger and resentment.  My mom has constantly been on my case about not being thankful for what I have and not being grateful.  So when I read this article I decided I really needed to try it.  I am becoming more bitter daily and I hate that about myself.  I have so much to be thankful for.  A lot of the anger is really disappointment in people and the resentment is rooted in feelings of self-pity about being ill.  I can't change the circumstances I am in, only God has been able to move for me and He has on numerous occasions.  I just get frustrated and depressed about how long it is taking for things to change.  So having said all this I believe I need to express my gratitude and I am going to try to do so once a week.  This is Palm Sunday and what better day to start this than on the day we celebrate Jesus' coming to Jerusalem and the week that led up to His crucifixion.  So here goes my list for this week:

1.  I am thankful that I am a child of God.

2.  I am grateful for Jesus and His sacrifice for me on Calvary.
3.  I am thankful I was raised to know and love God.
4.  I am thankful for the Holy Ghost and His comforting presence in my life.

Now for more personal everyday gratitide.

1.  I am thankful for bread, even though I am not supposed to eat a lot of it and I didn't while trying to eat lower carb.  I don't want to put it before God but I am thankful for getting to eat bread again.
2.  I am thankful for my home, God provided me a home 6 years ago after years of being tossed about from place to place and I am so thankful to be settled and have a peaceful place to live.
3.  I am thankful for a means of support for myself and that God provides for my every need and most of my wants.  I feel quite spoiled most of the time.  I feel like all I have to do is think I would like to have this and I get it.  Example: My sister brought groceries in and I hadn't asked her to get bologna but somehow my mother realized I wanted it and when I looked in the bag there was bologna.  Little things mean a lot.

Being grateful is a state of mind you can choose to have.  I hope this is a step to me overcoming my battle, becoming more thankful, and bringing joy and happiness into my life. 

Horribly behind

I love to blog.  I actually came into this area today because I am taking a technology class and one of the assignments was to explore Blogger, I was like ha, ha.  I haven't had time to go there since school started.  I am taking 5 classes and it is all I can do to keep up with that.  I love school though, the little stresses are worth what I get out of it.  My mind is staying active on things other than my problems and that is the biggest reward I could get out of it, well besides the fact that I will have a degree one day hopefully.  I didn't go to Myrtle Beach during fall break. I wasn't feeling well that month, ear was swelled closed and our church had a fall bazaar during that time and Devin helped in it I believe.  Anyway I have been doing well lately.  I have actually been blessed with about two really good weeks.  I was a little weepy yesterday because of the time of year but 1 bad day out of 14 is better than 14 out of 14.  I am looking forward to Christmas this year.  I actually have finished all my shopping except getting the cookbooks from church for my sisters bags.  My dad died two weeks before Christmas so this is always a hard time of the year and I don't usually like Christmas but Devin and I have even talked about decorating soon so I am really ready for a good Christmas this year.  I am thankful that God has brought me to a good place.  I would like everyone to remember my friend Sandy.  She is going through a lot and she needs all the prayers she can get.

The future looks good

I am still plodding along on the weight loss.  I had become a little discouraged with it all and had thought about quitting but I have decided to start again.  Sometimes just making a new start at something helps you to get out of the rut you're in.  My family thought that starting college would make me more nervous and anxious but it has actually helped alot. When you are alone all day long everyday, with the exception of when Devin is with me, it gets hard to keep your mind occupied and that's when the thoughts creep in.  You know the one's I mean, your past, your failings, the insecurites, and fear.  Sunday night a young brother got up to preach and it was like he was talking to me. He said that when things enter your mind get your mind on God instead.  I am trying to get my mind on the Lord when those things enter my head.  Then Monday night at the women's meeting Sis Brenda reinterated that thought.  She told us of a saying I had heard all my life but it's nice to be reminded of it from time to time.  Thoughts are like birds, you can't help one flying over your head but you can keep it from making a nest there.  I am trying to keep the birds nest out of my hair now.  I feel like I let one move in and hatch eggs for so long, lol.  I am doing good in school and looking forward to learning a lot more.  I love to learn, not so much the grading thing though.  I am looking forward to fall break.  Devin and I are planning on going to Myrtle Beach to visit my sister Chrissy, if it is the Lord's will and nothing doesn't happen. The future looks good.

Praise Him in Everything

Isn't it funny how God teaches you lessons? I felt like giving up on losing weight. I was stuck and had been for a while. I was yo-yoing up and down 10 lbs. I have lost 71 lbs. in all but I haven't been able to get past that hump. So I sort of gave up and then my wheelchair broke. Well, talk about a wake-up call. Without my chair I was unable to go to church or do anything about getting ready for school. I was stuck mostly in the bed all day long. I couldn't cook, wash dishes, or do laundry. For some that would be a good excuse but it drives me crazy not to be able to do these simple tasks. My aunt who passed away in February had a wheelchair but she weighed about 125 lbs. so I was stuck perching on this tiny chair to fix me a sandwich or check my email and the longest I could stand to sit there was about 20 minutes because it was killing my legs to balance my weight constantly. So I guess I need to get a move on it in the weight loss department. I can't give up because I don't want to have to depend on a wheelchair to do everyday tasks if I don't have to. It would be different if the weight wasn't the main cause and reason for my arthritis being so bad but I hope when I do lose the weight I will be able to do more and the weight being off my joints should help tremendously. So I guess God does work in mysterious ways and sometimes you have to look for the lesson in the bad times to be able to praise Him in everything.

Circumstances

I have been going through some things lately that lots of others may never face. Dealing with my weight loss, being in a wheelchair, living alone, etc. were things that I had gotten used to. God was slowly but surely bringing me through those difficult things but lately other things have started to creep in. I guess you could say life started to happen again. It's like I have been in a freezer for a few years and I am being let out in a different place and I feel lost. The last few months have been rough and life keeps happening but the difference is I am learning to deal with it differently. I am learning to trust God. It is hard for me to trust anyone. Everyone I have ever trusted has hurt me. Our pastor talked about how even God forsook his son, Jesus, this weekend and how He had to do that not because He wanted to but because that's the only way Jesus could know how we feel. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I know Jesus is my friend and I am putting my trust in Him. I know He has given me family and friends to help me but He and He alone has never failed me and has never left me. Though sometimes I want to run away from life and just hide or not wake up I am learning with God I can make it through. And as a wise old woman told me tonight, Life is worth living.

VBS Day 5

Today we learned that Jesus is our Rescuer. The bible story was about Jesus and Peter walking on the water. We made aquariums and I asked the kids to make them look like what it would have looked like under the water to Peter. The kids were angels tonight. I believe this was the best night yet with their attitudes and with their behavior. I had so much fun. The preschoolers even made an aquarium for me.
I had a challenge with an individual tonight and I am praying that I did the right thing. I am trying to learn to defend myself against things in the right way. I was not in the wrong and tried to explain to that person what happened and they got ugly with me. I have anxiety attacks and this happened before I had some of the kids so I was extra stressed. Please pray that I can get over my hurt feelings and that I do the right thing.

VBS Day 4

Day 4 we talked about how God is our Defender. We taught a wonderful story about Elisha and how the King of Syria had an army that was coming against God's people. I had never read this story until I was studying for the bible school. God told Elisha what the Syrians were doing and everytime they would come against the people of God they would be thwarted. The Syrian King found out about Elisha being a prophet and ordered his army to take him. Needless to say God had a force mightier than they did and in the end the Israelites showed compassion on the Syrians when they were captive and they didn't come against them again. The kids loved learning about the armies and had so many questions. They are so great. I have had a wonderful time and I have learned alot both from the material being taught and from the kids themselves. Tonight's craft was a mask.

VBS Day 3

Today we talked about how Jesus is our shelter. We discussed that we can turn to him when we were afraid and we also talked about Noah and the Ark and how God provided a safe place for Noah and his family and the animals. We had a really good time. The kids were a little more rowdy tonight but that is to be expected. The craft was making bracelets that had the colors of the rainbow in beads. I am really tired and I have a big day tommorrow so I will post again then.

VBS Day 2

Tonight the theme for VBS was Jesus is our provider. We discussed Elijah and how God provided food for him by sending the ravens and how God sent him to the widow and she gave him the last food she had and God blessed her her whole life because she did. The kids were awesome. I really enjoy them alot. And of course I have gotten hugged to death. I think I have averaged at least half the kids hugging me each night. Rayvn got to go tonight and afterwards when we got back to my house she wanted to play VBS and she was the leader. It is so funny, if she enjoys doing something she always plays it when we get home. I have the same recording of a song we sang tonight on my computer and she had me turn on the music so she could pretend to be leading the songs. It was so sweet. I don't get to see her enough. Jaylen and Connie came by on their way home and I got to hold him and love on him a little. All in all a good day. Pray that it won't rain during VBS tommorrow and Krista says to pray for Charlie, also.

VBS Day 1

Last night was the first night of our VBS and I am in charge of crafts. I don't really feel that crafty but I want to do what I can to help. I had a great time. We were learning about how Jesus is our guide. Of course, Rayvn had to say Jesus is our guidance. I thought that was so cute because it was definitely something I would probably say. We do tend to get carried away. All of the kids were so good in my class. Even the one's that usually are a little rowdy. Christian told me he promised his dad he would try to be good. I was so proud of them. We discussed how God led the children of Israel out of Egypt by following a cloud and a pillar of fire. Michael thought it was a pillow and asked me how it didn't burn them up. I told them God created all things and He can make a fire not burn you if He wants to. I love all the questions because it means they are listening and if they are asking things it means their little brains are working and analyzing what was said and they will remember it. Pray for me that I will not be nervous and that I will be able to help them learn what they need to from their teacher, Bro. Charlie.

Weekend and Computer

First of all my computer is fixed. I had evidently uninstalled a program wrong and it created a firewall and my computer could not get a connection. Duh, I should have known it was something this simple. Anyway I am back online and I will be starting school next month. I am going to college online and I hope it works out. On to the last weekend.


I attended The Church of God of the Union Assembly at Scottsboro's First Annual Souled Out Youth Rally. I had an awesome time. The kids were so great. It was wonderful to witness them worshipping God. Little ones as well as us big kids had a great time. Silent Praise from Atlanta opened up the event and the sign language they performed to the songs was so beautiful. I am almost crying just thinking about it. Then Dalton's group performed a drama to music and it really made you think about your life and the live's these kids live. Problems with drugs, alcohol, and peer pressure were some of the prevailing themes that the songs they preformed had in common. Then the group from Bessemer performed and later I found out they had only been doing this for a couple of months but they did just as good as the other two groups. What impressed me most about them was the age range and the fact that the littlest was working just as hard for God as the oldest. It was so wonderful. They all did awesome. With all the groups that performed it was so heartfelt and real. I had never witnessed a drama team perform before but it was great. After a brief supper break the groups started performing. I really enjoyed the group from Atlanta and Cody Cookston did a wonderful job also. Justified of course was my favorite but I have to say this or Devin and Sonny will kill me. Just kidding, they did a great job. I am so proud of Devin. Sonny had asked her to sing a song with him and she was so nervous but she did it anyway and she did so good. Eric Cookston's daughter sang next and she was wonderful. Such a clear sweet voice. While Cody was singing kids filled the altar and it was so sweet. Everyone had so much love and was so precious. The group from Scottsboro was the last I got to see perform and then we had to leave. I had been up since 5:30am and it was 10:30pm our time. I was so tired. We had a great time and I hope to get to go to more things like this again. I got to see friends I haven't seen in years and my MySpace page is now full of people I met or hadn't seen in years. Still recovering a little but well worth it.

In other news our VBS starts tonight and I am in charge of the crafts. Please pray that I will do a good job and that something I might say will stick with these kids for the good. Like Bro. Gene Moody and Bro. Jerry Cassell was talking about last night let my words be fitly spoken. I'll post again soon.

P.S. Sonny drove over a huge bridge and I was able to go over it without having an anxiety attack. I got a little nervous but I made it through and I want to thank God for it. I am terrified of heights and water so this was a double whammy.

God's abundant mercies on me

God has blessed me abundantly since I last posted. I have lost a total of 68 lbs. and I am hoping to have lost more when I go back next week. I am getting to go out more and I am going to church all the time. Andy and Teresa McCoy have been taking me places besides church. I went to a concert in April. The Kentucky Headhunters were in Campbell County and Teresa and Andy came and got me and took me. That was the first concert I had ever attended. I am looking forward to what God has in store for me in the future. I know He is moving in a mighty way for me. Devin is now my helper and we have a ball. She has me out and going all the time. Eating out and shopping were things I could only dream of getting to do in the past. Now I am shopping for my own things and eating out with my church family and friends often. I am in better spiritis and I am able to walk around more. I know I haven't been able to write in my blog in a long time. I have missed seeing how everyone is doing. I borrowed my niece Sara's laptop to sort of catch up with everyone. God has been so good to me. I could never thank Him enough. Nine months ago I spent up to 20 hours a day in bed, now I go places and spend time with others. My life has changed so drastically and I know it has only been by the grace of God.

Today

Today has been a historic day. The first black US president. I watched the inauguration at 12 or a little after, I missed the swearing in. I remember the first time I watched it was when President Reagan was sworn in. I was so excited then. I was probably what 6 or something. Now at 34, to watch something I never thought would happen in my lifetime. I remember thinking back then that somewhere in Africa or something had a female black president and thinking why don't we have one. At six you don't understand the political situation of a country. I loved Rev. Lowery. I laughed so hard at his closing remarks. I even cried as he read his prayer for our nation. I pray that this nation prospers myself. The financial situation doesn't look promising but my mom says that she was born during the depression and those people who have always had plenty are going to learn how to be thankful for what God gives them. I am so blessed now in my life. There have been times when I was a child that we didn't know where the next meal was coming from. God always supplied our needs. I remember one time we didn't have a stove or refrigerator. They had broken down and someone had let us use theirs for a while and then they needed them back. We had a tiny refrigerator my mom's friend had in her camper and a microwave forever. My aunt would come over at least once a week and my mom would keep her in the living room so she wouldn't know. My aunt finally one day just went straight to the kitchen. She was in shock. We hadn't had a stove in almost a year. She turned around and went home and one hour later we had a stove. She had gotten a new one from her son's new mobile home and gave us her old one. God supplied that need. Everytime we would be without food another aunt would call mom and ask her to take her to the grocery store. She would get items 2 for 1 and give the extra to my mom. Invariably everytime my mom went there she cleaned out her freezer and gave mom what she didn't want. She didn't know until I was grown that we didn't have anything at those times. I used to worry when I was at school what my mom was eating. She didn't know I worried until lately. She assured me she always had something to eat. When my dad was alive we always had food because he always had a garden but mom was sickly for awhile and didn't feel like putting out a garden and just got out of the habit. I am not saying these things for sympathy just letting everyone know that God always supplies our needs. He may not give us exactly what we want but we always have what we need. Times are hard now but this country has faced hard times before. We will overcome with God's help.

Addendum to Butterfly

I can't believe it but all day the day I wrote the previous blog and ever since then I have come across butterflies. I don't know if they were always there or if God is putting them in my way to help me remember what I learned but it really is remarkable how something so small has such a big impact on you. I mean I was searching a discount catalog sight for bargains and out of the blue up popped a butterfly quilt. I was in kitchen not bed/bath section so this was really funny and then when I logged onto myspace a bumpersticker picture was flashing of a butterfly. How odd is that. I guess I will just have to thank God for reminding me and learn what I need to. I have a hard head and sometimes it takes me a while to get important life lessons. I pick up knowledge like trivia and that sort of thing really easily but important things take me a while to grasp. This journey(the weight loss one) has already brought me to and through so much. Some of the things I am learning are:

1. To love myself and to make myself as important as everyone else in my life(I feel really selfish doing this so this might take a while)
2. To listen to how God is leading me, this I am learning day by day
3. To appreciate what God has already given me and the opportunities he is putting before me
4. To pray in everything, I have a hard time praying for myself. I think most people would find this odd but I have learned to pray to God about my situation instead of always praying for everyone else and believing God knows what I want. I have learned He likes us to ask him for things. It shows we need Him.
5. To embrace the love He has for me, It is so hard for me to take compliments and to accept any help and I believe God is putting me in this place to show me that I can count on Him and that He will always take care of me. I feel like I have always been the one to take care of everyone and everything, any big sister knows how I feel, and now God is showing me who I can count on and I can count on Him and surprisingly my family, both natural and spiritual.
6. That sometimes the truth is right there staring you in the face and you are too wrapped up in everything going on around you to realize it.
7. I have learned that I have not been who I really am for a long time. My niece Rayvn has helped me remember who I always was because she is so much like me and I have decided I liked myself then and I want to recapture at least the good parts of me and start living again instead of existing.

Thank you for reading this diatribe(word I just learned the meaning of today, long discourse). I appreciate all who read this and I feel your prayers for me.

Butterfly

I talked to my nutritionist today and I was complaining about how hard this week was and how I just wanted to give up. She reminded me that changing is painful and that to grow we have to go through some pain. It made me think of how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. Even leaving the cocoon is a test to see if they are ready. It takes flexing and building up the muscles they need to fly to burst forth from the cocoon. If someone came along and opened it for them they wouldn't survive. I have to struggle through this to come out on the other end stronger and more resilent and the woman that God meant for me to be not the woman I became by letting this world weigh me down. She told me to pray and ask God for guidance. I am thankful that she gave me that information and that she is supportive of my faith as well as my journey to better health. I will be praying for God to help me and give me strength and reading Krista's blog just reminded me even more to put my trust in God.