Family Christmas

Yesterday my family celebrated Christmas. The kids couldn't wait to open their presents and Jaxon started opening them up before everyone got there. I wanted to share my plan for yesterday. I talked to my mom and found out what was being served and then I planned what I would eat accordingly. My mom brought a plate to me and I ate in the livingroom with the kids playing while everyone else ate around the kitchen table. I know this didn't help in distancing myself from others but it helped me achieve my goal of not overeating. I ate mostly protein and vegetables and didn't eat potato salad or bread. I enjoyed a sugar free dessert and savored the taste of all the other food I allowed myself to eat. The only set back was when two of my sisters started eating dessert in front of me. I asked one of them to not bring anything else in and then the other one came in so I asked her to go back to the kitchen. No one really liked that I did that but I need to be true to myself and I couldn't handle the temptation of fudge and cake. I hope by this time next year I am able to walk around and enjoy being with my family without having to plan ahead but if not I will make it. I have to keep telling myself that I can win this fight with God's help.

Control

I sort of flipped out over the weekend. My whole time was spent obsessing about food. My nutritionist had given me guidelines to go by in choosing my daily food intake. She had also put down that she wanted me to eat up to 6 times a day. Most people would probably think who hoo I can eat six times a day. Not me, I was like I have to face eating and choosing what to eat and when to stop six times a day. I sort of freaked and ate way too much and then today when I talked to her we changed plans. I am going to work on being mindful about what I eat, I am going to try to change some of my bad habits and I am going to keep writing in my food diary and taking my blood sugars and working a little at a time. I felt it was a control issue. Having a meal plan meant someone was controlling what I was eating and I wasn't in control anymore. I know what I have been doing in the past hasn't worked but I am not ready to be on a diet anymore I want to change habits and make wise choices myself not do what someone else tells me to do. That to me is not changing me it's controlling me and I have to be in charge of what I eat. I figured out since I am in the wheelchair I have lost control of all other aspects of my life but the food part. I know in the past I have been too controlling in my life and I have had to learn to give control over to my family and to God but the one little area of my life I was still controlling was what I eat. My nutritionist was so understanding and she is letting me tell her how I need her support now. I know that control is a habit I have to break but I am not ready to do that yet. Maybe someday I will be able to let go completely and stop being a control freak. I know that the part of me that is compulsive and a perfectionist has to be addressed and dealt with. I know I have to deal with guilt and other things. I know with the support of my family, friends, and nutritionist but most of all God I can conquer the problems and learn how to control my being controlling. Funny huh!