Loneliness and Hope

I have made some interesting revelations about myself in the past week or so. I have made myself alone. I know that whole sentence sounds funny but I have. I have felt rejected so many times and instead of enduring that kind of hurt again I have withdrawn and not let anyone in. The weight has also been a way to withdraw or isolate. I have felt like ok if people are going to reject me I will give them a reason. I will be fat and then they will not like me because of that and not because I am bossy or not funny or too serious. I have used the pounds to put a wall up around my heart physically, mentally, and emotionally. All of this comes at an emotional time for me. November 16th was the two year anniversary of my best friend, Doug's death and December 11th was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. I have to move past these things. Neither of these special men would want me to stay mired in the grief I feel for them this time of year. I have decided to celebrate their lives this year and to also enjoy this season of hope and love now more than ever before. I have to open up to people and writing this blog, though sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, has been a way to do that. I have known Krista for years now but we have never really talked or anything and Valerie I have known of for years also and I have never really talked to her either but somehow I have been able to open up to the two of you. I know other people will eventually read this and that's ok but I have allowed someone in and that feels like a major accomplishment right now. This past week has been horrible on my weight loss journey. I have let down in taking my blood sugar and I have not written any food in my food journal but I feel like I have grown a little because I have been dealing with the past and dealing with the reasons I have reached the weight I have.
I received a wonderful blessing in my nutritionist appointment yesterday. My nutritionist was joined by a personal trainer that works with her in helping people manage their weight and reach their goals. The personal trainer saw right through all the carefully developed facade of my outward appearance and saw how I was just covering up my hurt and pain and not letting myself be vulnerable and trusting. I almost started crying which I hate to do in public. My sister Chrissy did start crying and that made it worse for me. I have got to learn to feel my feelings. Sounds really odd doesn't it. To feel your feelings, what else can you do with them. I have become a master at covering them up and hiding what I really felt. I have dealt with anger and depression in the last couple of weeks and as the weight is coming off I have to deal with what got me to that place in the first place and that has been a difficult thing to do. Not dealing with my feelings has only gotten me to the place of having anxiety attacks and anxiety related seizures. As I deal with the feelings the anxiety has come over me but I know now that I will get through the anxiety attack and I will make it out the other side.

Tommorrow is W day

Tommorrow I weigh in. After keeping a food journal for 8 weeks and with the help of a nutritionist I am finally weighing to see if I have lost any weight. I feel confident that I have but I am also nervous. I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds in the past. Usually I will lose 70-80 pounds and then get stuck and give up and gain it all back and more. I know alot of people are saying that's alot of weight but when you have hundreds to lose you get frustrated. With the help of God I know this time is different. My goal for tommorrow is 32 pounds and I know I am supposed to lose weight slowly but I hope initially I can lose an average of 4 pounds a week. Next month when I weigh I will have a goal of 3 pounds per week. I am a binge eater and a compulsive over eater. I have tried all the groups and diets that are commercially available, I have been to 6-8 therapists to try to figure out why I am overweight but I have recently been having consultations with a nutritionist once a week and she has directed me in figuring out my different types of hunger and she directed me to a site www.tcme.org . This site is The Center for Mindful Eating. I have learned alot of, for lack of a better word, rituals to help me in my battle against overeating.

Mindful eating checklist
Created Nov. 11, 2008

1. Evaluate my feelings, am I stressed, tired, sad, happy, bored, etc.
2. Evaluate my hunger on a scale of 0-10, 0 being not hungry, 10 being famished, try to eat before I get so hungry I overeat
3. Ask myself, what do I want, what do I need, what do I have?
4. Take steps to maintain portion control. Check packaging for portion size, cook only enough for one meal or immediately put up any remaining food after one portion size.
5. Enjoy the act of making my meal
6. When I eat concentrate only on the meal before me, don’t talk on the phone, watch t.v., or have any distractions, if distractions happen stop eating and remove myself from the food.
7. Enjoy the eating process, how each bite tastes, the contrasts of flavors and try to pick out each thing your tasting, sour, sweet, salty, savory, etc.
8. When I finish one portion re-evaluate feelings, hunger level, and if I only want more or am I actually still hungry
9. Remove myself from the food and redirect my focus if I am just emotional eating. Don’t ignore my cravings.

These are some things I learned that have helped me so far. I hope someone else can use this information to help them also.