Praise Him in Everything

Isn't it funny how God teaches you lessons? I felt like giving up on losing weight. I was stuck and had been for a while. I was yo-yoing up and down 10 lbs. I have lost 71 lbs. in all but I haven't been able to get past that hump. So I sort of gave up and then my wheelchair broke. Well, talk about a wake-up call. Without my chair I was unable to go to church or do anything about getting ready for school. I was stuck mostly in the bed all day long. I couldn't cook, wash dishes, or do laundry. For some that would be a good excuse but it drives me crazy not to be able to do these simple tasks. My aunt who passed away in February had a wheelchair but she weighed about 125 lbs. so I was stuck perching on this tiny chair to fix me a sandwich or check my email and the longest I could stand to sit there was about 20 minutes because it was killing my legs to balance my weight constantly. So I guess I need to get a move on it in the weight loss department. I can't give up because I don't want to have to depend on a wheelchair to do everyday tasks if I don't have to. It would be different if the weight wasn't the main cause and reason for my arthritis being so bad but I hope when I do lose the weight I will be able to do more and the weight being off my joints should help tremendously. So I guess God does work in mysterious ways and sometimes you have to look for the lesson in the bad times to be able to praise Him in everything.

Circumstances

I have been going through some things lately that lots of others may never face. Dealing with my weight loss, being in a wheelchair, living alone, etc. were things that I had gotten used to. God was slowly but surely bringing me through those difficult things but lately other things have started to creep in. I guess you could say life started to happen again. It's like I have been in a freezer for a few years and I am being let out in a different place and I feel lost. The last few months have been rough and life keeps happening but the difference is I am learning to deal with it differently. I am learning to trust God. It is hard for me to trust anyone. Everyone I have ever trusted has hurt me. Our pastor talked about how even God forsook his son, Jesus, this weekend and how He had to do that not because He wanted to but because that's the only way Jesus could know how we feel. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I know Jesus is my friend and I am putting my trust in Him. I know He has given me family and friends to help me but He and He alone has never failed me and has never left me. Though sometimes I want to run away from life and just hide or not wake up I am learning with God I can make it through. And as a wise old woman told me tonight, Life is worth living.

Weekend and Computer

First of all my computer is fixed. I had evidently uninstalled a program wrong and it created a firewall and my computer could not get a connection. Duh, I should have known it was something this simple. Anyway I am back online and I will be starting school next month. I am going to college online and I hope it works out. On to the last weekend.


I attended The Church of God of the Union Assembly at Scottsboro's First Annual Souled Out Youth Rally. I had an awesome time. The kids were so great. It was wonderful to witness them worshipping God. Little ones as well as us big kids had a great time. Silent Praise from Atlanta opened up the event and the sign language they performed to the songs was so beautiful. I am almost crying just thinking about it. Then Dalton's group performed a drama to music and it really made you think about your life and the live's these kids live. Problems with drugs, alcohol, and peer pressure were some of the prevailing themes that the songs they preformed had in common. Then the group from Bessemer performed and later I found out they had only been doing this for a couple of months but they did just as good as the other two groups. What impressed me most about them was the age range and the fact that the littlest was working just as hard for God as the oldest. It was so wonderful. They all did awesome. With all the groups that performed it was so heartfelt and real. I had never witnessed a drama team perform before but it was great. After a brief supper break the groups started performing. I really enjoyed the group from Atlanta and Cody Cookston did a wonderful job also. Justified of course was my favorite but I have to say this or Devin and Sonny will kill me. Just kidding, they did a great job. I am so proud of Devin. Sonny had asked her to sing a song with him and she was so nervous but she did it anyway and she did so good. Eric Cookston's daughter sang next and she was wonderful. Such a clear sweet voice. While Cody was singing kids filled the altar and it was so sweet. Everyone had so much love and was so precious. The group from Scottsboro was the last I got to see perform and then we had to leave. I had been up since 5:30am and it was 10:30pm our time. I was so tired. We had a great time and I hope to get to go to more things like this again. I got to see friends I haven't seen in years and my MySpace page is now full of people I met or hadn't seen in years. Still recovering a little but well worth it.

In other news our VBS starts tonight and I am in charge of the crafts. Please pray that I will do a good job and that something I might say will stick with these kids for the good. Like Bro. Gene Moody and Bro. Jerry Cassell was talking about last night let my words be fitly spoken. I'll post again soon.

P.S. Sonny drove over a huge bridge and I was able to go over it without having an anxiety attack. I got a little nervous but I made it through and I want to thank God for it. I am terrified of heights and water so this was a double whammy.

God's abundant mercies on me

God has blessed me abundantly since I last posted. I have lost a total of 68 lbs. and I am hoping to have lost more when I go back next week. I am getting to go out more and I am going to church all the time. Andy and Teresa McCoy have been taking me places besides church. I went to a concert in April. The Kentucky Headhunters were in Campbell County and Teresa and Andy came and got me and took me. That was the first concert I had ever attended. I am looking forward to what God has in store for me in the future. I know He is moving in a mighty way for me. Devin is now my helper and we have a ball. She has me out and going all the time. Eating out and shopping were things I could only dream of getting to do in the past. Now I am shopping for my own things and eating out with my church family and friends often. I am in better spiritis and I am able to walk around more. I know I haven't been able to write in my blog in a long time. I have missed seeing how everyone is doing. I borrowed my niece Sara's laptop to sort of catch up with everyone. God has been so good to me. I could never thank Him enough. Nine months ago I spent up to 20 hours a day in bed, now I go places and spend time with others. My life has changed so drastically and I know it has only been by the grace of God.

Addendum to Butterfly

I can't believe it but all day the day I wrote the previous blog and ever since then I have come across butterflies. I don't know if they were always there or if God is putting them in my way to help me remember what I learned but it really is remarkable how something so small has such a big impact on you. I mean I was searching a discount catalog sight for bargains and out of the blue up popped a butterfly quilt. I was in kitchen not bed/bath section so this was really funny and then when I logged onto myspace a bumpersticker picture was flashing of a butterfly. How odd is that. I guess I will just have to thank God for reminding me and learn what I need to. I have a hard head and sometimes it takes me a while to get important life lessons. I pick up knowledge like trivia and that sort of thing really easily but important things take me a while to grasp. This journey(the weight loss one) has already brought me to and through so much. Some of the things I am learning are:

1. To love myself and to make myself as important as everyone else in my life(I feel really selfish doing this so this might take a while)
2. To listen to how God is leading me, this I am learning day by day
3. To appreciate what God has already given me and the opportunities he is putting before me
4. To pray in everything, I have a hard time praying for myself. I think most people would find this odd but I have learned to pray to God about my situation instead of always praying for everyone else and believing God knows what I want. I have learned He likes us to ask him for things. It shows we need Him.
5. To embrace the love He has for me, It is so hard for me to take compliments and to accept any help and I believe God is putting me in this place to show me that I can count on Him and that He will always take care of me. I feel like I have always been the one to take care of everyone and everything, any big sister knows how I feel, and now God is showing me who I can count on and I can count on Him and surprisingly my family, both natural and spiritual.
6. That sometimes the truth is right there staring you in the face and you are too wrapped up in everything going on around you to realize it.
7. I have learned that I have not been who I really am for a long time. My niece Rayvn has helped me remember who I always was because she is so much like me and I have decided I liked myself then and I want to recapture at least the good parts of me and start living again instead of existing.

Thank you for reading this diatribe(word I just learned the meaning of today, long discourse). I appreciate all who read this and I feel your prayers for me.

Loneliness and Hope

I have made some interesting revelations about myself in the past week or so. I have made myself alone. I know that whole sentence sounds funny but I have. I have felt rejected so many times and instead of enduring that kind of hurt again I have withdrawn and not let anyone in. The weight has also been a way to withdraw or isolate. I have felt like ok if people are going to reject me I will give them a reason. I will be fat and then they will not like me because of that and not because I am bossy or not funny or too serious. I have used the pounds to put a wall up around my heart physically, mentally, and emotionally. All of this comes at an emotional time for me. November 16th was the two year anniversary of my best friend, Doug's death and December 11th was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. I have to move past these things. Neither of these special men would want me to stay mired in the grief I feel for them this time of year. I have decided to celebrate their lives this year and to also enjoy this season of hope and love now more than ever before. I have to open up to people and writing this blog, though sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, has been a way to do that. I have known Krista for years now but we have never really talked or anything and Valerie I have known of for years also and I have never really talked to her either but somehow I have been able to open up to the two of you. I know other people will eventually read this and that's ok but I have allowed someone in and that feels like a major accomplishment right now. This past week has been horrible on my weight loss journey. I have let down in taking my blood sugar and I have not written any food in my food journal but I feel like I have grown a little because I have been dealing with the past and dealing with the reasons I have reached the weight I have.
I received a wonderful blessing in my nutritionist appointment yesterday. My nutritionist was joined by a personal trainer that works with her in helping people manage their weight and reach their goals. The personal trainer saw right through all the carefully developed facade of my outward appearance and saw how I was just covering up my hurt and pain and not letting myself be vulnerable and trusting. I almost started crying which I hate to do in public. My sister Chrissy did start crying and that made it worse for me. I have got to learn to feel my feelings. Sounds really odd doesn't it. To feel your feelings, what else can you do with them. I have become a master at covering them up and hiding what I really felt. I have dealt with anger and depression in the last couple of weeks and as the weight is coming off I have to deal with what got me to that place in the first place and that has been a difficult thing to do. Not dealing with my feelings has only gotten me to the place of having anxiety attacks and anxiety related seizures. As I deal with the feelings the anxiety has come over me but I know now that I will get through the anxiety attack and I will make it out the other side.

Control

I sort of flipped out over the weekend. My whole time was spent obsessing about food. My nutritionist had given me guidelines to go by in choosing my daily food intake. She had also put down that she wanted me to eat up to 6 times a day. Most people would probably think who hoo I can eat six times a day. Not me, I was like I have to face eating and choosing what to eat and when to stop six times a day. I sort of freaked and ate way too much and then today when I talked to her we changed plans. I am going to work on being mindful about what I eat, I am going to try to change some of my bad habits and I am going to keep writing in my food diary and taking my blood sugars and working a little at a time. I felt it was a control issue. Having a meal plan meant someone was controlling what I was eating and I wasn't in control anymore. I know what I have been doing in the past hasn't worked but I am not ready to be on a diet anymore I want to change habits and make wise choices myself not do what someone else tells me to do. That to me is not changing me it's controlling me and I have to be in charge of what I eat. I figured out since I am in the wheelchair I have lost control of all other aspects of my life but the food part. I know in the past I have been too controlling in my life and I have had to learn to give control over to my family and to God but the one little area of my life I was still controlling was what I eat. My nutritionist was so understanding and she is letting me tell her how I need her support now. I know that control is a habit I have to break but I am not ready to do that yet. Maybe someday I will be able to let go completely and stop being a control freak. I know that the part of me that is compulsive and a perfectionist has to be addressed and dealt with. I know I have to deal with guilt and other things. I know with the support of my family, friends, and nutritionist but most of all God I can conquer the problems and learn how to control my being controlling. Funny huh!

Nutritionist Report

I am sort of anxious today. I just got off the phone with my nutrionist and she has asked me to eat more than I have been. Not in quantities but in times a day. Just two months ago I did well if I ate twice a day. I usually would eat one large meal and then I would not eat until the next day at the same time. I have started to eat three meals a day and I know that I have to learn to eat the right way and more often so that I can achieve my goal of losing weight. I have anxiety because I feel eating got me to where I am now and I have to learn that food is my friend not my enemy. I know that I have to turn to God for help in this and I have to be willing to change myself. I am trying to change and grow. This has been an uncomfortable thing for me but getting uncomfortable helps you to change habits and to grow as a person. I have for too long just tried to not be uncomfortable. I have not left my house unless I absolutely had to and I have used my discomfort to keep me prisoner to my anxiety and fear. I have to be uncomfortable, I have to face my fears. Psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried unto the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the moutains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah
This is one place that I love when I am feeling anxious and alone, I know that I am never alone. I can do this with the Lord's help