Endocrinologist and Bariatric journey

Well a lot has been going on. I went to my endocrinologist appointment yesterday. My blood sugars are running high but that is because of the medicine I was put on after my surgery. In better news I have lost weight. I had gained weight last time and was discouraged. I have lost 23 lbs this last month from being so sick with the migraines and stomach pain from the medicine for a total of 87 lbs lost total. Yay!

My bariatric surgery was denied and we are in the process of appealing it so it won't happen in December more than likely. I just have to be patient and work on it.

Bariatric Journey and anxiety

I haven't posted in a while but I wanted to update everyone on where I am in my bariatric surgery journey. I have decided to have the bilio-pancreatic diversion with duodenal switch or BPD for short. I am hoping to have the surgery in December but I am still waiting for approval and then I have to wait a month because I have to be on a 800 calorie liver shrinking diet for 4 weeks. My surgeon is to be Dr. Stephen Boyce. He has a clinic in Knoxville and I will be going to Parkwest Hospital for my surgery. My insurance should cover all but a $1500 program fee and the food and vitamins I need for the before surgery diet. I was blessed to get money back from school this semester so the $1500 is in the bank and I am looking forward to getting started. You all know how I have struggled with losing weight. I lost 80 lbs and I have kept off 75 lbs but it has been a struggle to maintain that loss.

I had surgery a few weeks ago that had me worried and I ate too much and gained 9 lbs back. I have since lost it but I am struggling daily because they put me on megace for the suspected cancer and even after they found out I didn't have cancer they have insisted I take it for 3 months to reset my body. I am so thankful to God that I don't have cancer. I had all the symptoms for several years now of endometrial cancer but I had ignored them thinking it could be my Polycystic Ovarian disease. It wasn't and I feel God healed me. The doctor said that he had never see someone so bad not have cancer. God really does still work miracles.

Due to the surgery and some major changes in my life (3 caregivers in a 2 week period, Devin got married, Gary didn't work out and JoAnn agreed to help me again) I have been having major anxiety attacks again. I have had a horrible couple of weeks. I think being put to sleep and the after effects coupled with the medicine side effects (migraines and upset stomach) along with the changes have caused the anxiety level to increase. I wish everyone who reads this would pray for me that I will get control of the anxiety again and be able to leave my home without shaking really bad. I started to church a week ago and we got about a mile from my house and I had to come back home. I just couldn't handle leaving my house. I need to go to church and I have to go take a test this week so I really need your prayers.

I will try to post more on the bariatric surgery as it progresses because it may help someone. I haven't had the time to post because of school but I have missed it and I hope I can find the time again.

Gratitude Week 5

A lot is going on in my life right now.  I am finishing the semester up at school today.  I am going to be looking for a new caregiver soon.  JoAnn just really doesn't have the time anymore to help me, take care of her family, and work a full-time job.  When she started working for me she was at another store and could work her schedule out better but with the move to the bigger store and everything it's just really been a struggle for her to be here when I need her to be.  My sister Connie goes in for surgery for her colon cancer May 6th or 7th.  Please pray for her and for the surgeons hands that God will guide them to take out exactly what needs to be removed.  Chanda found out that her knee was not a torn ligament or tendon like the doctors suspected but was actually the same thing that is wrong with mine only she found out in an earlier stage.  Please pray that God can heal her knees and she can do what she needs to do to gain better health.  She is in the last legs of her nurses training and she just keeps saying "I just want to be able to finish", she is scheduled to graduate in August I believe. 
On to the weight loss journey.  I have gained back some weight.  I now have only lost 60 lbs.  I have to get determined.  I have been in a deep depression lately and I can't seem to get out of it.  That hasn't helped the weight loss because I eat when I get upset.  If I don't lose the weight I am signing my own death warrant.  In related issues, I have determined I am a foody.  I had the best ice cream in the world the other day.  It reminded me of when I was a child and my mom used to take us to Kay's Ice Cream Parlor for a special treat.  We never had ice cream in the house growing up, for that matter we didn't have chips, cokes, cookies, or cakes.  If it didn't come from the garden we didn't eat it basically, except for hamburger, bread, and maccaroni and cheese(the powder kind, and the staples, (you know= flour, meal, shortening, tea, coffee, sugar).  We always had plenty to eat we just didn't eat like other people did.  Anyway the ice cream was Kay's Strawberry Shortcake.  OH MY GOSH!!!  Jo Ann and I got some and as I was eating it I was trying to figure out the flavors.  I kept saying if I didn't know better I would think it had buttermilk in it.  Well, it did, it was awesome, buttermilk, whole milk, cream, eggs, cream cheese, strawberries.  What's not to love.

So that brings us to the gratitude list:

1)  I am thankful for God's healing power.  I know He can touch my sister's bodies like he has so many times in the past.  He has healed my family of cancer, CHF, other heart issues, I watched my mother have a stroke when I was about 10 and I called for prayer and I watched her face return to normal right before my eyes.  I know God's power to heal is not gone.  I know if it is His will He will heal them both. 
2)  I am thankful for the opportunity God has blessed me with to attend college.  It was a life-long dream of mine to be a teacher.  Through God's grace He has taken the mistakes I made right out of high school and turned them around so that I will be able to obtain a degree in Elementary Education.  I can never thank God enough for this opportunity.  I had a full tuituion scholarship to Lincoln Memorial University when I finished High School and I decided that it was more important to enter the work force and support myself than to go away to school.  I was broken hearted over it for a long time because I did what I felt I had to.  God really can mend your broken heart and restore to you the things you thought you had lost forever. 
3)  I am thankful for the food I have to eat.  God has always blessed us to have enough even in times when we wouldn't have anymore food in the house.  God has never left my family hungry and He has blessed me to be able to have an appetite. This can be a two-edged sword for me but I have seen people who wanted to eat not be able to and I am thankful that God has blessed me to not have to go through that to this present time.  Pray that I can gain control, through God's help, of my addiction to eating too much. 

Weight loss journey

I have been on a plateau with my weight loss for a while now.  The nutritionist that was helping me decided that she couldn't continue to help me and I was down and depressed.  I have now gotten the opportunity to work with a new dietician and she is so encouraging.  She told me that anyone who successfully loses weight at my size has those plateaus.  She said my body felt like I was starving it and was holding onto everything and it sometimes takes 6 months or more for it to adjust.  I have maintained the 80 lbs lost and that we are going to get motivated and started going forward again.  I am documenting my progress with myfitnesspal.com and I am putting the physical therapy that I have just finished into play.  So with the thought of going forward I am going to post some goals so I can stay accountable:

1.  I plan to track my blood sugars 2 or more times a day.
2.  I plan to keep track of my food and exercise everyday on myfitnesspal.com
3.  I plan to keep a more positive attitude about the future and that God is helping me through this journey.

I think I have fell in love with making lists lately(lol).  Anyway, this is just a little bit of what is going on and I am holding myself accountable with this blog.

Praise Him in Everything

Isn't it funny how God teaches you lessons? I felt like giving up on losing weight. I was stuck and had been for a while. I was yo-yoing up and down 10 lbs. I have lost 71 lbs. in all but I haven't been able to get past that hump. So I sort of gave up and then my wheelchair broke. Well, talk about a wake-up call. Without my chair I was unable to go to church or do anything about getting ready for school. I was stuck mostly in the bed all day long. I couldn't cook, wash dishes, or do laundry. For some that would be a good excuse but it drives me crazy not to be able to do these simple tasks. My aunt who passed away in February had a wheelchair but she weighed about 125 lbs. so I was stuck perching on this tiny chair to fix me a sandwich or check my email and the longest I could stand to sit there was about 20 minutes because it was killing my legs to balance my weight constantly. So I guess I need to get a move on it in the weight loss department. I can't give up because I don't want to have to depend on a wheelchair to do everyday tasks if I don't have to. It would be different if the weight wasn't the main cause and reason for my arthritis being so bad but I hope when I do lose the weight I will be able to do more and the weight being off my joints should help tremendously. So I guess God does work in mysterious ways and sometimes you have to look for the lesson in the bad times to be able to praise Him in everything.

God's abundant mercies on me

God has blessed me abundantly since I last posted. I have lost a total of 68 lbs. and I am hoping to have lost more when I go back next week. I am getting to go out more and I am going to church all the time. Andy and Teresa McCoy have been taking me places besides church. I went to a concert in April. The Kentucky Headhunters were in Campbell County and Teresa and Andy came and got me and took me. That was the first concert I had ever attended. I am looking forward to what God has in store for me in the future. I know He is moving in a mighty way for me. Devin is now my helper and we have a ball. She has me out and going all the time. Eating out and shopping were things I could only dream of getting to do in the past. Now I am shopping for my own things and eating out with my church family and friends often. I am in better spiritis and I am able to walk around more. I know I haven't been able to write in my blog in a long time. I have missed seeing how everyone is doing. I borrowed my niece Sara's laptop to sort of catch up with everyone. God has been so good to me. I could never thank Him enough. Nine months ago I spent up to 20 hours a day in bed, now I go places and spend time with others. My life has changed so drastically and I know it has only been by the grace of God.

WOOHOO!

Thank God! I have lost 24 more pounds. 37 in total, yeah! I am so excited. I can't hardly believe it. I was trying not to get my hopes up. I was trying to remain calm. When the nutritionist told me I say no way, I can't believe that then I yelled YEAH! I know last time I was disappointed that I hadn't lost a lot but this time I am being more realistic and I was rewarded with 24 pounds! You should see me I am jumping off the walls(not literally even though I am so hyper I maybe could). I couldn't wait to tell everyone. Thank you for all the prayers and support! love you all!

Tommorrow I weigh

I am a little anxious because tommorrow I weigh if nothing happens. I don't feel like I have lost any more weight and I am nervous because I don't want to get discouraged. I know I will have ups and downs. I am trying to get prepared mentally for tommorrow. Just leaving my house tommorrow will be a big deal because I haven't been anywhere since Christmas Eve and that was only to my mom's house then. The agoraphobia is trying to kick in but I know God will help me to leave tommorrow and not have an anxiety attack. Please pray that I will be able to make it through tommorrow.

Nutritionist Today

I have decided to shake my routine up and really get serious. I have been struggling along with my eating. It is so hard to start eating 4-5 times a day when you are used to eating one large meal and I couldn't face having to decided what to eat and how much to eat that many times a day. It was getting on my nerves. So I talked to my nutrionist today and we are doing psuedo meal replacement. I will be having breakfast(with actual breakfast food which I hardly ever eat) 1 slimfast shake, then 2 later on, and finally a lean cuisine for supper. This way all portion sizes are already there and all I have to do is do the plan. I feel I have to make a drastic change because I have so much weight to lose. I started at (gasp) 652 lbs. I have decided I have to be honest with me and everyone and I have to make changes immediately. Of course I lost 13lbs and I will weigh next Friday for the third time and hopefully will have lost more. This seems to be a daunting task because my metabolism is so slow due to infrequent eating and a thyroid problem. I used to go between 18-24 hours between meals and I have not eaten for 36 hours and I wasn't fasting then. It always seems harder to do without food when you are fasting. As long as I didn't eat I wasn't hungry. I would get fainty because I am a diabetic but not really hungry. Sis. Ruby fusses at me all the time to eat. She would call and wake me up some mornings before and demand I get up and eat. She is so funny. She bosses me as much as my mom does. I need to listen to these godly women who are counseling me and telling me things for my benefit. I'll let everyone know how I fare on the new diet.

Family Christmas

Yesterday my family celebrated Christmas. The kids couldn't wait to open their presents and Jaxon started opening them up before everyone got there. I wanted to share my plan for yesterday. I talked to my mom and found out what was being served and then I planned what I would eat accordingly. My mom brought a plate to me and I ate in the livingroom with the kids playing while everyone else ate around the kitchen table. I know this didn't help in distancing myself from others but it helped me achieve my goal of not overeating. I ate mostly protein and vegetables and didn't eat potato salad or bread. I enjoyed a sugar free dessert and savored the taste of all the other food I allowed myself to eat. The only set back was when two of my sisters started eating dessert in front of me. I asked one of them to not bring anything else in and then the other one came in so I asked her to go back to the kitchen. No one really liked that I did that but I need to be true to myself and I couldn't handle the temptation of fudge and cake. I hope by this time next year I am able to walk around and enjoy being with my family without having to plan ahead but if not I will make it. I have to keep telling myself that I can win this fight with God's help.

Loneliness and Hope

I have made some interesting revelations about myself in the past week or so. I have made myself alone. I know that whole sentence sounds funny but I have. I have felt rejected so many times and instead of enduring that kind of hurt again I have withdrawn and not let anyone in. The weight has also been a way to withdraw or isolate. I have felt like ok if people are going to reject me I will give them a reason. I will be fat and then they will not like me because of that and not because I am bossy or not funny or too serious. I have used the pounds to put a wall up around my heart physically, mentally, and emotionally. All of this comes at an emotional time for me. November 16th was the two year anniversary of my best friend, Doug's death and December 11th was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. I have to move past these things. Neither of these special men would want me to stay mired in the grief I feel for them this time of year. I have decided to celebrate their lives this year and to also enjoy this season of hope and love now more than ever before. I have to open up to people and writing this blog, though sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, has been a way to do that. I have known Krista for years now but we have never really talked or anything and Valerie I have known of for years also and I have never really talked to her either but somehow I have been able to open up to the two of you. I know other people will eventually read this and that's ok but I have allowed someone in and that feels like a major accomplishment right now. This past week has been horrible on my weight loss journey. I have let down in taking my blood sugar and I have not written any food in my food journal but I feel like I have grown a little because I have been dealing with the past and dealing with the reasons I have reached the weight I have.
I received a wonderful blessing in my nutritionist appointment yesterday. My nutritionist was joined by a personal trainer that works with her in helping people manage their weight and reach their goals. The personal trainer saw right through all the carefully developed facade of my outward appearance and saw how I was just covering up my hurt and pain and not letting myself be vulnerable and trusting. I almost started crying which I hate to do in public. My sister Chrissy did start crying and that made it worse for me. I have got to learn to feel my feelings. Sounds really odd doesn't it. To feel your feelings, what else can you do with them. I have become a master at covering them up and hiding what I really felt. I have dealt with anger and depression in the last couple of weeks and as the weight is coming off I have to deal with what got me to that place in the first place and that has been a difficult thing to do. Not dealing with my feelings has only gotten me to the place of having anxiety attacks and anxiety related seizures. As I deal with the feelings the anxiety has come over me but I know now that I will get through the anxiety attack and I will make it out the other side.

Control

I sort of flipped out over the weekend. My whole time was spent obsessing about food. My nutritionist had given me guidelines to go by in choosing my daily food intake. She had also put down that she wanted me to eat up to 6 times a day. Most people would probably think who hoo I can eat six times a day. Not me, I was like I have to face eating and choosing what to eat and when to stop six times a day. I sort of freaked and ate way too much and then today when I talked to her we changed plans. I am going to work on being mindful about what I eat, I am going to try to change some of my bad habits and I am going to keep writing in my food diary and taking my blood sugars and working a little at a time. I felt it was a control issue. Having a meal plan meant someone was controlling what I was eating and I wasn't in control anymore. I know what I have been doing in the past hasn't worked but I am not ready to be on a diet anymore I want to change habits and make wise choices myself not do what someone else tells me to do. That to me is not changing me it's controlling me and I have to be in charge of what I eat. I figured out since I am in the wheelchair I have lost control of all other aspects of my life but the food part. I know in the past I have been too controlling in my life and I have had to learn to give control over to my family and to God but the one little area of my life I was still controlling was what I eat. My nutritionist was so understanding and she is letting me tell her how I need her support now. I know that control is a habit I have to break but I am not ready to do that yet. Maybe someday I will be able to let go completely and stop being a control freak. I know that the part of me that is compulsive and a perfectionist has to be addressed and dealt with. I know I have to deal with guilt and other things. I know with the support of my family, friends, and nutritionist but most of all God I can conquer the problems and learn how to control my being controlling. Funny huh!

Nutritionist Report

I am sort of anxious today. I just got off the phone with my nutrionist and she has asked me to eat more than I have been. Not in quantities but in times a day. Just two months ago I did well if I ate twice a day. I usually would eat one large meal and then I would not eat until the next day at the same time. I have started to eat three meals a day and I know that I have to learn to eat the right way and more often so that I can achieve my goal of losing weight. I have anxiety because I feel eating got me to where I am now and I have to learn that food is my friend not my enemy. I know that I have to turn to God for help in this and I have to be willing to change myself. I am trying to change and grow. This has been an uncomfortable thing for me but getting uncomfortable helps you to change habits and to grow as a person. I have for too long just tried to not be uncomfortable. I have not left my house unless I absolutely had to and I have used my discomfort to keep me prisoner to my anxiety and fear. I have to be uncomfortable, I have to face my fears. Psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried unto the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the moutains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah
This is one place that I love when I am feeling anxious and alone, I know that I am never alone. I can do this with the Lord's help

Bad Day

Two years ago today I lost a dear, dear friend. His name was Doug. He was 40 years old and died in a car accident. He was probably the best guy friend I ever had. I talked to him at least 4 times a week. The way we met was we went out on a date. Actually we ended up going out on two. The sparks didn't fly for either one of us but we found a friend. I think sometimes it is better to have a friend than a boyfriend. When I would be upset I would call him and tell him what was going on and he would cuss for me. I know that sounds funny but I try not to cuss and he would just start cussing and I would start laughing at him and I always felt better. I know that sounds crazy but I am the type of person who will let people walk over me until I just can't take it anymore then I will explode. Sometimes when I am sad or lonely I will wish he was still here to talk to. He was such a gentle soul naturally. He loved animals and tried to treat people with respect. He only cussed for me so I wouldn't and so I would laugh. We were the type of friends that if I needed him at 3:00 in the morning I could call him or if he needed me anytime he could call me. We didn't have any secrets between us and he knew the real me. Sometimes I think no one else really ever has. I realized that today was the anniversary of his death when I wished for the millionth time I could talk to him and then I saw the date. I thought the best way I could honor his memory today would be to do the one thing he always admonished me to do, take care of myself. He would be so proud of me for making a change in my life. He would be cheering me on at ever turn and making me start all over again. I know he would want me to be happy and so I am going to try to do that in honor of him and everything he meant to me.

13 not 32

I lost 13 pounds. I know it wasn't the 32 that I had hoped for but 13 has always sort of been my lucky number. Not lucky in the superstitious sense but I just really like 13. I guess it all goes back to me always liking the underdog. 13 has such a bad rap and it hasn't done anything. I digress. I am really encouraged at first I was sort of disappointed but I did the math and that is 1.625 pounds per week and my nutritionist was excited that I was losing the weight healthfully. I have lost it quickly in the past and then just as quickly gained it all back and more so I guess slow and steady wins the race. I think it was Paul in the New Testament that said in whatever state I find myself to be content. I know this isn't exactly the direct quote but I couldn't quickly find the verse in the Bible. I am happy and content that I lost 13 pounds. I am thankful to God for helping me and making it different this time. This time has been totally different than anytime in the past. I feel encouraged and hopeful this late in the game. Most of the time by now I would have become discouraged. My nutritionist is trying to teach me to not feel guilty when I make a mistake but to learn from it. I hope that I will continue to grow and learn.