The difference between strength and courage

My mom found this poem the other day when she was going through some papers. The poem fell out of a card my cousin Sandy had sent to her. The name of the author was not on the paper, so Author Unknown.

The difference between strength and courage

It takes strength to be certain
It takes courage to have doubt

It takes strength to fit in
It takes courage to stand out

It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain
It takes courage to feel your own pain

It takes strength to hide your own pain
It takes courage to show it

It takes strength to stand guard
It takes courage to let down your guard

It takes strength to conquer
It takes courage to surrender

It takes strength to endure abuse
It takes courage to stop them

It takes strength to stand alone
It takes courage to lean on a friend

It takes strength to love
It takes courage to be loved

It takes strength to survive
It takes courage to live

I hope that this makes you think and realize what strength and courage you have inside. I just loved this poem when my mom read it to me. It came at a time when I was struggling in my diet journey. I hope you enjoy it.

Today

Today has been a historic day. The first black US president. I watched the inauguration at 12 or a little after, I missed the swearing in. I remember the first time I watched it was when President Reagan was sworn in. I was so excited then. I was probably what 6 or something. Now at 34, to watch something I never thought would happen in my lifetime. I remember thinking back then that somewhere in Africa or something had a female black president and thinking why don't we have one. At six you don't understand the political situation of a country. I loved Rev. Lowery. I laughed so hard at his closing remarks. I even cried as he read his prayer for our nation. I pray that this nation prospers myself. The financial situation doesn't look promising but my mom says that she was born during the depression and those people who have always had plenty are going to learn how to be thankful for what God gives them. I am so blessed now in my life. There have been times when I was a child that we didn't know where the next meal was coming from. God always supplied our needs. I remember one time we didn't have a stove or refrigerator. They had broken down and someone had let us use theirs for a while and then they needed them back. We had a tiny refrigerator my mom's friend had in her camper and a microwave forever. My aunt would come over at least once a week and my mom would keep her in the living room so she wouldn't know. My aunt finally one day just went straight to the kitchen. She was in shock. We hadn't had a stove in almost a year. She turned around and went home and one hour later we had a stove. She had gotten a new one from her son's new mobile home and gave us her old one. God supplied that need. Everytime we would be without food another aunt would call mom and ask her to take her to the grocery store. She would get items 2 for 1 and give the extra to my mom. Invariably everytime my mom went there she cleaned out her freezer and gave mom what she didn't want. She didn't know until I was grown that we didn't have anything at those times. I used to worry when I was at school what my mom was eating. She didn't know I worried until lately. She assured me she always had something to eat. When my dad was alive we always had food because he always had a garden but mom was sickly for awhile and didn't feel like putting out a garden and just got out of the habit. I am not saying these things for sympathy just letting everyone know that God always supplies our needs. He may not give us exactly what we want but we always have what we need. Times are hard now but this country has faced hard times before. We will overcome with God's help.

WOOHOO!

Thank God! I have lost 24 more pounds. 37 in total, yeah! I am so excited. I can't hardly believe it. I was trying not to get my hopes up. I was trying to remain calm. When the nutritionist told me I say no way, I can't believe that then I yelled YEAH! I know last time I was disappointed that I hadn't lost a lot but this time I am being more realistic and I was rewarded with 24 pounds! You should see me I am jumping off the walls(not literally even though I am so hyper I maybe could). I couldn't wait to tell everyone. Thank you for all the prayers and support! love you all!

Tommorrow I weigh

I am a little anxious because tommorrow I weigh if nothing happens. I don't feel like I have lost any more weight and I am nervous because I don't want to get discouraged. I know I will have ups and downs. I am trying to get prepared mentally for tommorrow. Just leaving my house tommorrow will be a big deal because I haven't been anywhere since Christmas Eve and that was only to my mom's house then. The agoraphobia is trying to kick in but I know God will help me to leave tommorrow and not have an anxiety attack. Please pray that I will be able to make it through tommorrow.

Nutritionist Today

I have decided to shake my routine up and really get serious. I have been struggling along with my eating. It is so hard to start eating 4-5 times a day when you are used to eating one large meal and I couldn't face having to decided what to eat and how much to eat that many times a day. It was getting on my nerves. So I talked to my nutrionist today and we are doing psuedo meal replacement. I will be having breakfast(with actual breakfast food which I hardly ever eat) 1 slimfast shake, then 2 later on, and finally a lean cuisine for supper. This way all portion sizes are already there and all I have to do is do the plan. I feel I have to make a drastic change because I have so much weight to lose. I started at (gasp) 652 lbs. I have decided I have to be honest with me and everyone and I have to make changes immediately. Of course I lost 13lbs and I will weigh next Friday for the third time and hopefully will have lost more. This seems to be a daunting task because my metabolism is so slow due to infrequent eating and a thyroid problem. I used to go between 18-24 hours between meals and I have not eaten for 36 hours and I wasn't fasting then. It always seems harder to do without food when you are fasting. As long as I didn't eat I wasn't hungry. I would get fainty because I am a diabetic but not really hungry. Sis. Ruby fusses at me all the time to eat. She would call and wake me up some mornings before and demand I get up and eat. She is so funny. She bosses me as much as my mom does. I need to listen to these godly women who are counseling me and telling me things for my benefit. I'll let everyone know how I fare on the new diet.

Addendum to Butterfly

I can't believe it but all day the day I wrote the previous blog and ever since then I have come across butterflies. I don't know if they were always there or if God is putting them in my way to help me remember what I learned but it really is remarkable how something so small has such a big impact on you. I mean I was searching a discount catalog sight for bargains and out of the blue up popped a butterfly quilt. I was in kitchen not bed/bath section so this was really funny and then when I logged onto myspace a bumpersticker picture was flashing of a butterfly. How odd is that. I guess I will just have to thank God for reminding me and learn what I need to. I have a hard head and sometimes it takes me a while to get important life lessons. I pick up knowledge like trivia and that sort of thing really easily but important things take me a while to grasp. This journey(the weight loss one) has already brought me to and through so much. Some of the things I am learning are:

1. To love myself and to make myself as important as everyone else in my life(I feel really selfish doing this so this might take a while)
2. To listen to how God is leading me, this I am learning day by day
3. To appreciate what God has already given me and the opportunities he is putting before me
4. To pray in everything, I have a hard time praying for myself. I think most people would find this odd but I have learned to pray to God about my situation instead of always praying for everyone else and believing God knows what I want. I have learned He likes us to ask him for things. It shows we need Him.
5. To embrace the love He has for me, It is so hard for me to take compliments and to accept any help and I believe God is putting me in this place to show me that I can count on Him and that He will always take care of me. I feel like I have always been the one to take care of everyone and everything, any big sister knows how I feel, and now God is showing me who I can count on and I can count on Him and surprisingly my family, both natural and spiritual.
6. That sometimes the truth is right there staring you in the face and you are too wrapped up in everything going on around you to realize it.
7. I have learned that I have not been who I really am for a long time. My niece Rayvn has helped me remember who I always was because she is so much like me and I have decided I liked myself then and I want to recapture at least the good parts of me and start living again instead of existing.

Thank you for reading this diatribe(word I just learned the meaning of today, long discourse). I appreciate all who read this and I feel your prayers for me.

Butterfly

I talked to my nutritionist today and I was complaining about how hard this week was and how I just wanted to give up. She reminded me that changing is painful and that to grow we have to go through some pain. It made me think of how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. Even leaving the cocoon is a test to see if they are ready. It takes flexing and building up the muscles they need to fly to burst forth from the cocoon. If someone came along and opened it for them they wouldn't survive. I have to struggle through this to come out on the other end stronger and more resilent and the woman that God meant for me to be not the woman I became by letting this world weigh me down. She told me to pray and ask God for guidance. I am thankful that she gave me that information and that she is supportive of my faith as well as my journey to better health. I will be praying for God to help me and give me strength and reading Krista's blog just reminded me even more to put my trust in God.