Endocrinologist and Bariatric journey

Well a lot has been going on. I went to my endocrinologist appointment yesterday. My blood sugars are running high but that is because of the medicine I was put on after my surgery. In better news I have lost weight. I had gained weight last time and was discouraged. I have lost 23 lbs this last month from being so sick with the migraines and stomach pain from the medicine for a total of 87 lbs lost total. Yay!

My bariatric surgery was denied and we are in the process of appealing it so it won't happen in December more than likely. I just have to be patient and work on it.

Bariatric Journey and anxiety

I haven't posted in a while but I wanted to update everyone on where I am in my bariatric surgery journey. I have decided to have the bilio-pancreatic diversion with duodenal switch or BPD for short. I am hoping to have the surgery in December but I am still waiting for approval and then I have to wait a month because I have to be on a 800 calorie liver shrinking diet for 4 weeks. My surgeon is to be Dr. Stephen Boyce. He has a clinic in Knoxville and I will be going to Parkwest Hospital for my surgery. My insurance should cover all but a $1500 program fee and the food and vitamins I need for the before surgery diet. I was blessed to get money back from school this semester so the $1500 is in the bank and I am looking forward to getting started. You all know how I have struggled with losing weight. I lost 80 lbs and I have kept off 75 lbs but it has been a struggle to maintain that loss.

I had surgery a few weeks ago that had me worried and I ate too much and gained 9 lbs back. I have since lost it but I am struggling daily because they put me on megace for the suspected cancer and even after they found out I didn't have cancer they have insisted I take it for 3 months to reset my body. I am so thankful to God that I don't have cancer. I had all the symptoms for several years now of endometrial cancer but I had ignored them thinking it could be my Polycystic Ovarian disease. It wasn't and I feel God healed me. The doctor said that he had never see someone so bad not have cancer. God really does still work miracles.

Due to the surgery and some major changes in my life (3 caregivers in a 2 week period, Devin got married, Gary didn't work out and JoAnn agreed to help me again) I have been having major anxiety attacks again. I have had a horrible couple of weeks. I think being put to sleep and the after effects coupled with the medicine side effects (migraines and upset stomach) along with the changes have caused the anxiety level to increase. I wish everyone who reads this would pray for me that I will get control of the anxiety again and be able to leave my home without shaking really bad. I started to church a week ago and we got about a mile from my house and I had to come back home. I just couldn't handle leaving my house. I need to go to church and I have to go take a test this week so I really need your prayers.

I will try to post more on the bariatric surgery as it progresses because it may help someone. I haven't had the time to post because of school but I have missed it and I hope I can find the time again.

Gratitude Week 7

I have so much to be grateful for this week.  God has moved for my family so much.  My sister Connie was diagnosed with colon cancer.  The biopsy showed cancer and she went in for surgery on Friday.  The doctors took out 6 inches of colon, 4 inches intestine, a few other tumors.  When she was in the recovery room the doctor came in and said "There was no cancer in anything we took out."  THANK YOU GOD!!!!  I can't give God enough praise for what He did for her.  My sister Candy has been going through a lot in the past 2 weeks.  She had several asthma attacks and ended up having a heart attack in South Carolina. While on her way home after she was released from the hospital in SC she had to be admitted in NC.  They thought it was her heart again but it ended up being an infection in her foot.  She asked them to release her to go home to her regular physician.  Her doctor sent her to wound care and they sent her emergency to the hospital in Knoxville.  She had emergency surgery and had her foot debried and two of her toes removed.  That night after surgery she was short of breath and was basically drowning she was so filled with fluid.  My sister Chanda was with her and thank God for her training she knew what to do and called the nurses and told them to bring certain things in for her.  My mom called for prayer for her at 1:30 that morning and God moved.  Her heart rate was over 200 and she was on the verge of death.  Thank God I have my two oldest sisters still here with me today.  My heart is heavy for what my sister Candy is going through.  I have cried over the loss of those precious little toes so hard but I know God has her in His big mighty hands and that He can comfort her and keep her safe.  I know He has plans for her.  We don't know why we have to go through what we do but I have learned one thing God rains on the just and the unjust the same.  He sees everything and I am thankful for His safe harbor and His mercy.

1)  I am grateful for God healing Connie of colon cancer.
2)  I am grateful that God spared Candy's life and I am believing that He will move for her and she won't have to have further surgeries.
3) I am so grateful for God's abundant mercy and love, for the many, many times He has moved for my family.  I can't complain for the things He has allowed to happen because there are so many, many more things that He has kept from our lives. I want to give God a million praises for being with me and my family.

Gratitude Week 6

I am going to cut to the chase this week and get right to the gratitude.

1)  I am grateful for my church family-  I know I have put this one before but I am especially thankful to Sis. Charlene this week for getting a copy of the Assembly that my church has annually.  I haven't gotten to attend in a few years and she has been faithful to get a copy for me to enjoy so that I feel like I am part of the church as a whole.

2)  I am thankful for God's mercy and grace-  My sister Candy has been in the hospital twice in the last week and God has her in his hands.  I know whatever happens He is in control.  I am also thanking God in advance for taking care of my sister Connie in her surgery that is going to be on Friday instead of Thursday.

3)  I am thankful for the peace that God gives me when my mind and heart are in turmoil.  I can turn to Him anytime.  He is truly my friend.  I remember realizing this for the first time after my dad died when I was about 10.  I was in my room in the floor crying and I felt the presence of God and the Holy Ghost comforting me.  I am thankful that even though I have left Him, He has never left me.

The gratitude experiment has been difficult but has become a necessary part of my week.  I sometimes sit down to write and think what in the world do I have to say this week but then I think of the way God has moved in my life in the past week and I can't help but express my love for Him and all He does for me.

Survive vs Thrive

I have been thinking a lot lately about survival.  Survival is ingrained in our brains, bodies, I guess you could say our very cells.  It seems for so long now I have merely survived.  I am like the flower in the garden that keeps coming back year after year that is weaker and weaker with each passing season.  I am ready to thrive.  It seems no matter how hard I try I keep getting stuck and never going forward.  It's like an invisible wall is set at a certain point on my journey and no matter how hard I push or what I throw at that wall it never yields.  I've stood before the wall many times over the years.  I have devised many plans to make that wall crumble at my feet.  It is still there and I am still on this side of the wall.  I have tried to go over it, under it, around it, and through it but still it remains.  Strong, unmoveable, keeping me from where I need to be.  I don't want to become complacent and decide to live on this side of the wall.  The other side holds unknown trials and I am sure some rough roads but the other side calls me to overcome the wall, to move forward and in to the destiny God has for me.  It calls me to action time and again.  I am weak now but God can make me strong again. 

I know this all seems to be poetic or unreal but this is a real struggle I have faced for years.  I quit to come back to the wall over and over again.  I have faced this battle so many times in my life and I want to overcome. Please help me pray that this time I won't fall, this time I will prevail against the enemy and move through to the other side. This time I am calling on my friends and family to help me pray and I am praying God moves quickly for me.  

Please also remember my family this week.  We have had several illnesses...Chanda's knee, Candy's asthma attacks, and Connie goes in for surgery for colon cancer on Thursday.  I know my own struggles are minute in comparison to the battle Connie is facing. Please, please pray that God will heal her and move for her and that this time she will move forward and not go back either.

Gratitude Week 5

A lot is going on in my life right now.  I am finishing the semester up at school today.  I am going to be looking for a new caregiver soon.  JoAnn just really doesn't have the time anymore to help me, take care of her family, and work a full-time job.  When she started working for me she was at another store and could work her schedule out better but with the move to the bigger store and everything it's just really been a struggle for her to be here when I need her to be.  My sister Connie goes in for surgery for her colon cancer May 6th or 7th.  Please pray for her and for the surgeons hands that God will guide them to take out exactly what needs to be removed.  Chanda found out that her knee was not a torn ligament or tendon like the doctors suspected but was actually the same thing that is wrong with mine only she found out in an earlier stage.  Please pray that God can heal her knees and she can do what she needs to do to gain better health.  She is in the last legs of her nurses training and she just keeps saying "I just want to be able to finish", she is scheduled to graduate in August I believe. 
On to the weight loss journey.  I have gained back some weight.  I now have only lost 60 lbs.  I have to get determined.  I have been in a deep depression lately and I can't seem to get out of it.  That hasn't helped the weight loss because I eat when I get upset.  If I don't lose the weight I am signing my own death warrant.  In related issues, I have determined I am a foody.  I had the best ice cream in the world the other day.  It reminded me of when I was a child and my mom used to take us to Kay's Ice Cream Parlor for a special treat.  We never had ice cream in the house growing up, for that matter we didn't have chips, cokes, cookies, or cakes.  If it didn't come from the garden we didn't eat it basically, except for hamburger, bread, and maccaroni and cheese(the powder kind, and the staples, (you know= flour, meal, shortening, tea, coffee, sugar).  We always had plenty to eat we just didn't eat like other people did.  Anyway the ice cream was Kay's Strawberry Shortcake.  OH MY GOSH!!!  Jo Ann and I got some and as I was eating it I was trying to figure out the flavors.  I kept saying if I didn't know better I would think it had buttermilk in it.  Well, it did, it was awesome, buttermilk, whole milk, cream, eggs, cream cheese, strawberries.  What's not to love.

So that brings us to the gratitude list:

1)  I am thankful for God's healing power.  I know He can touch my sister's bodies like he has so many times in the past.  He has healed my family of cancer, CHF, other heart issues, I watched my mother have a stroke when I was about 10 and I called for prayer and I watched her face return to normal right before my eyes.  I know God's power to heal is not gone.  I know if it is His will He will heal them both. 
2)  I am thankful for the opportunity God has blessed me with to attend college.  It was a life-long dream of mine to be a teacher.  Through God's grace He has taken the mistakes I made right out of high school and turned them around so that I will be able to obtain a degree in Elementary Education.  I can never thank God enough for this opportunity.  I had a full tuituion scholarship to Lincoln Memorial University when I finished High School and I decided that it was more important to enter the work force and support myself than to go away to school.  I was broken hearted over it for a long time because I did what I felt I had to.  God really can mend your broken heart and restore to you the things you thought you had lost forever. 
3)  I am thankful for the food I have to eat.  God has always blessed us to have enough even in times when we wouldn't have anymore food in the house.  God has never left my family hungry and He has blessed me to be able to have an appetite. This can be a two-edged sword for me but I have seen people who wanted to eat not be able to and I am thankful that God has blessed me to not have to go through that to this present time.  Pray that I can gain control, through God's help, of my addiction to eating too much. 

Gratitude Week 4

Sometimes you just have to decide to have a better attitude.  I have been in and am still in a funk.  I have decided I am going to try to be in a better mood.  Sunday night I got to attend church service and I really needed it.  Circumstances have worked out that I had not gotten to go to church very often in the past 5 weeks.  My care givers or their families have been sick or I have been sick and I think I went to church twice in 5 weeks.  I hate missing church.  I try to attend at least two services a week and I think this has contributed to my being down.  It is such an uplift to go to church and hear a sermon. Sometimes, like Sunday night, they are especially for you and other times you can see them touching others lives or preparing us for what's to come. Bro. Curtis came to my house last week and fixed my wheelchair. I had worried about it for a while because if I take it in to be serviced they usually want to keep it and I don't have any way of doing my normal everyday activities like cooking or washing clothes or dishes. I was without it for a while last year and it was horrible.  Devin's aunt passed away Sunday and it really made me realize how short life is.  She was only in her late 50's or early 60's but had had numerous illnesses.  So please remember her family when you pray.  I am grateful for the following this week:

1.  Brothers who will help you when you are in need and who follow the leading they get from God, Thank you to Bro. Curtis

2.  Getting to attend church, I really needed it and Bro. Jason really touched my heart and helped me on my journey Sunday night.

3.  For my life, sometimes I take for granted actually being alive.  I have often heard ministers talk about how God let's us have life.  They ask everyone to move their pinky finger and say God let us do that.  It's easy to forget how precious life is.

I hope everyone who reads this has a wonderful week and please remember me and my family when you pray.

Gratitude Week Three

I am a little behind with this week's post.  I have been battling a problem with depression lately.  I have some decisions to make and I don't really want to do this.  My sister also has found out she may have cancer and this is worrying me a little.  We will find out tommorrow if it is colon cancer or not.  If you read this please pray for her and her daughter and grandson.  So this week it has been a little hard to think about gratitude but I have so much to be grateful for.  One thing I just sort of figured out today was that I have a friend in Devin.  She is one of my care-givers and I was her nanny when she was little but today I realized she really is a woman now.  This past year I have watched her mature a lot.  Also my friend Sandy has been there so much for me this week and my friend Jo Ann has tried to be there for me but she is going thru alot herself.  SO here goes this is what I am thankful for this week.

1.  For the healing power we have because of Jesus, that God heals us and if not here we have our healing in a glorified body when we pass away.

2. That God has blessed me with wonderful friends in my life, who are there for me when I need them.

3.  That God has blessed my family to be relatively healthy thus far.  If we have to face the big C with my sister I have assurance that God will be with us through the battle.

So that is it for this week.  I really thought it would be harder but when you think about all you have in your life even in your darkest times you can find something to be grateful for.

Just an update, Connie does have colon cancer in two places.  The doctor feels they can remove it and she will not have to have chemo.  She also has a spot on her kidney and spleen.  I am thankful it is not worse than that.  We know God has us in His hands. Please pray for her and our family.

Weight loss journey

I have been on a plateau with my weight loss for a while now.  The nutritionist that was helping me decided that she couldn't continue to help me and I was down and depressed.  I have now gotten the opportunity to work with a new dietician and she is so encouraging.  She told me that anyone who successfully loses weight at my size has those plateaus.  She said my body felt like I was starving it and was holding onto everything and it sometimes takes 6 months or more for it to adjust.  I have maintained the 80 lbs lost and that we are going to get motivated and started going forward again.  I am documenting my progress with myfitnesspal.com and I am putting the physical therapy that I have just finished into play.  So with the thought of going forward I am going to post some goals so I can stay accountable:

1.  I plan to track my blood sugars 2 or more times a day.
2.  I plan to keep track of my food and exercise everyday on myfitnesspal.com
3.  I plan to keep a more positive attitude about the future and that God is helping me through this journey.

I think I have fell in love with making lists lately(lol).  Anyway, this is just a little bit of what is going on and I am holding myself accountable with this blog.

The Day before Easter

Tommorrow may be a busy day so I decided to post my gratitude posting one day early.  Easter is the day we celebrate that Jesus rose from the grave.  In His resurrection is the hope we have that all His promises are true, that we will have eternal life in Heaven, and most of all that He is our Saviour.  I am so thankful that He chose to die on the cross for my sins, that He chose to suffer the beatings and the shame for me.  I have claimed His stripes, from the beating He received, for my healing on so many occasions.  Jesus did so much for me that I can never repay Him even if I lived a thousand years and served Him continually night and day. 

This week my church has been in revival.  I got to attend Wednesday and Thursday night.  Wednesday night the pastor preached on patience and waiting on God.  He read from Mark 5 about the girl that was sick and her father asked for her healing.  On the way to heal the little girl He was thronged with the crowd and the woman who had the issue of blood touched the hem of His garment and was made whole.  When He got to the house where the little girl was the servant said she was dead. Jesus asked them where was their faith and told them that the girl was just sleeping.  So many times over the last few years I have wondered when my healing would come.  I suffer daily from so many things and I felt like I had reached my breaking point.  This sermon gave me hope that God was still going to move on my behalf.  Thursday night the pastor preached on faith and a dear brother testified.  I have had a heavy heart for over a year for him and when he stood up and told how that night he had received something he had been desiring I felt so great for him.  He has gone through so much and I know how hard it is to feel far from God.  You don't really want be in that shape.  This man had always teased me and I had looked forward to his smiles and his laughter.  When he started fighting his battle he looked so sad and alone.  He still tried to smile and joke but you could tell he just wasn't the same.  I am so thankful God moved for him.

So I guess the things I am grateful for this week are:

1.  That Jesus chose to die for my sins and that He rose again on the third day that I might have life.
2.  I am grateful for the revival, I needed it so badly and I feel like I can go on a little longer.
3.  I am thankful that God moved for my friend, it's wonderful to rejoice with your brothers and sisters over how God has moved in their life it can give you hope that God isn't through with you.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and that you all remember what Jesus has did for you!

Gratitude

For a while now I have wanted to start writing gratitude postings on my blog.  I was reading an article in Reader's Digest about how being grateful and expressing it at least once a week makes a person happier.  So at first I decided, oh, I will post everyday then but I went back and reread the article or the rest of the story as they say and here is the gist of it.  People who started out this experiment gungho and wrote in a gratitude journal everyday soon became burned out and went back to the old way.  The feelings of thankfulness and a sense of well being disappeared.  The study showed that those who expressed their gratitude once a week kept up the practice and over time showed increased levels of happiness and contentment with their lives.

I have been going through a battle with anger and resentment.  My mom has constantly been on my case about not being thankful for what I have and not being grateful.  So when I read this article I decided I really needed to try it.  I am becoming more bitter daily and I hate that about myself.  I have so much to be thankful for.  A lot of the anger is really disappointment in people and the resentment is rooted in feelings of self-pity about being ill.  I can't change the circumstances I am in, only God has been able to move for me and He has on numerous occasions.  I just get frustrated and depressed about how long it is taking for things to change.  So having said all this I believe I need to express my gratitude and I am going to try to do so once a week.  This is Palm Sunday and what better day to start this than on the day we celebrate Jesus' coming to Jerusalem and the week that led up to His crucifixion.  So here goes my list for this week:

1.  I am thankful that I am a child of God.

2.  I am grateful for Jesus and His sacrifice for me on Calvary.
3.  I am thankful I was raised to know and love God.
4.  I am thankful for the Holy Ghost and His comforting presence in my life.

Now for more personal everyday gratitide.

1.  I am thankful for bread, even though I am not supposed to eat a lot of it and I didn't while trying to eat lower carb.  I don't want to put it before God but I am thankful for getting to eat bread again.
2.  I am thankful for my home, God provided me a home 6 years ago after years of being tossed about from place to place and I am so thankful to be settled and have a peaceful place to live.
3.  I am thankful for a means of support for myself and that God provides for my every need and most of my wants.  I feel quite spoiled most of the time.  I feel like all I have to do is think I would like to have this and I get it.  Example: My sister brought groceries in and I hadn't asked her to get bologna but somehow my mother realized I wanted it and when I looked in the bag there was bologna.  Little things mean a lot.

Being grateful is a state of mind you can choose to have.  I hope this is a step to me overcoming my battle, becoming more thankful, and bringing joy and happiness into my life. 

New project and teaching.

Coming to the end of the semester and looking back on the blog posts.  There haven't been that many.  It doesn't mean that life hasn't gone on.  Actually it means I have a more active life than I had before.  I am so thankful for the opportunity that has been provided for me to attend college over the internet.  I am realizing a dream I have had since I was a small child.  I wanted to be a teacher from a young age.  I have two younger sisters and I made them play school all the time and of course  I was the teacher.  The farther along I get in the process the more I realize this is what I am supposed to do.  Teach.  I naturally love to see others learn something, anything.  My niece Rayvn spent the night with me after Thanksgiving.  She is very curious by nature and we were laying on the bed talking and she was asking me questions.  Somehow this turned into a math lesson.  I was surprised that she readily grasped the fact that anything times 0 is 0.  This is a concept that is sometimes hard to understand and she just got it.   I really don't think it had to do with my teaching ability but her intelligence but seeing the look in her eyes when she grasped the concept just magnified my love for teaching.  I am starting a new project soon and I want everyone to pray for me that I will be able to do a good job.  This project will last for a while maybe even years and I am looking forward to it. I just need prayer that I will be able to use the skills I am developing and present the material in the right way.

Horribly behind

I love to blog.  I actually came into this area today because I am taking a technology class and one of the assignments was to explore Blogger, I was like ha, ha.  I haven't had time to go there since school started.  I am taking 5 classes and it is all I can do to keep up with that.  I love school though, the little stresses are worth what I get out of it.  My mind is staying active on things other than my problems and that is the biggest reward I could get out of it, well besides the fact that I will have a degree one day hopefully.  I didn't go to Myrtle Beach during fall break. I wasn't feeling well that month, ear was swelled closed and our church had a fall bazaar during that time and Devin helped in it I believe.  Anyway I have been doing well lately.  I have actually been blessed with about two really good weeks.  I was a little weepy yesterday because of the time of year but 1 bad day out of 14 is better than 14 out of 14.  I am looking forward to Christmas this year.  I actually have finished all my shopping except getting the cookbooks from church for my sisters bags.  My dad died two weeks before Christmas so this is always a hard time of the year and I don't usually like Christmas but Devin and I have even talked about decorating soon so I am really ready for a good Christmas this year.  I am thankful that God has brought me to a good place.  I would like everyone to remember my friend Sandy.  She is going through a lot and she needs all the prayers she can get.

The future looks good

I am still plodding along on the weight loss.  I had become a little discouraged with it all and had thought about quitting but I have decided to start again.  Sometimes just making a new start at something helps you to get out of the rut you're in.  My family thought that starting college would make me more nervous and anxious but it has actually helped alot. When you are alone all day long everyday, with the exception of when Devin is with me, it gets hard to keep your mind occupied and that's when the thoughts creep in.  You know the one's I mean, your past, your failings, the insecurites, and fear.  Sunday night a young brother got up to preach and it was like he was talking to me. He said that when things enter your mind get your mind on God instead.  I am trying to get my mind on the Lord when those things enter my head.  Then Monday night at the women's meeting Sis Brenda reinterated that thought.  She told us of a saying I had heard all my life but it's nice to be reminded of it from time to time.  Thoughts are like birds, you can't help one flying over your head but you can keep it from making a nest there.  I am trying to keep the birds nest out of my hair now.  I feel like I let one move in and hatch eggs for so long, lol.  I am doing good in school and looking forward to learning a lot more.  I love to learn, not so much the grading thing though.  I am looking forward to fall break.  Devin and I are planning on going to Myrtle Beach to visit my sister Chrissy, if it is the Lord's will and nothing doesn't happen. The future looks good.

First Week of School

I am already tired and I have only been officially in school since Saturday.  I have already gotten my first grade in English. I have turned in two discussions in English and Intro to Teaching and one in Geography.  I have read my chapter in Intro and am trying to read my chapter in Geography.  Yikes! and tommorrow I will be receiving two more books so that I can start taking these courses.  I am starting to wonder did I bite off more than I can chew or am I just trying too hard when I need to pace myself.  I am going to press on and I hope that I learn a lot in these courses.  I haven't been in school in 17 years and I have never really studied in my life.  I graduated high school with a 3.0 grade point average and I just mostly read what was assigned and did my homework and it just was there.  I guess if I had studied or actually tried I would have had a higher GPA.  I don't know if I even know how to study.  I have been looking at the resources offered online for studying help and I am contemplating using them.  I don't know when I will get to post again so keep me in your prayers that my 35 year old stagnant brain will start to function again and that I can so the coursework I have.

Praise Him in Everything

Isn't it funny how God teaches you lessons? I felt like giving up on losing weight. I was stuck and had been for a while. I was yo-yoing up and down 10 lbs. I have lost 71 lbs. in all but I haven't been able to get past that hump. So I sort of gave up and then my wheelchair broke. Well, talk about a wake-up call. Without my chair I was unable to go to church or do anything about getting ready for school. I was stuck mostly in the bed all day long. I couldn't cook, wash dishes, or do laundry. For some that would be a good excuse but it drives me crazy not to be able to do these simple tasks. My aunt who passed away in February had a wheelchair but she weighed about 125 lbs. so I was stuck perching on this tiny chair to fix me a sandwich or check my email and the longest I could stand to sit there was about 20 minutes because it was killing my legs to balance my weight constantly. So I guess I need to get a move on it in the weight loss department. I can't give up because I don't want to have to depend on a wheelchair to do everyday tasks if I don't have to. It would be different if the weight wasn't the main cause and reason for my arthritis being so bad but I hope when I do lose the weight I will be able to do more and the weight being off my joints should help tremendously. So I guess God does work in mysterious ways and sometimes you have to look for the lesson in the bad times to be able to praise Him in everything.

Diabetes

I have been diagnosed as a diabetic since I was about 21 or 22 years old. In all that time I have never really had extremely high blood sugar readings. That was until recently. I have had some lower 200's but not the extremes of 300-500 like some folks do. My hemoglobin A1C has been in the normal to slightly abnormal range with the help of medication and I have felt pretty good for the last 10 years about my blood sugar readings.

Normal ranges for blood sugar are between 70-120 and for A1C levels 4-6

My A1C(which is measured every three months) averaged around 6.

Until earlier this year or was it at the end of last year. Anyway I had been swelling alot and I noticed on one of my diabetic medications that prolonged use could do that to you so I spoke with my doctor and we agreed (or rather he said ok your going to do it anyway) to take me off that medicatio and try something new. Well I didn't do well on any other medications before and the only things left for me to try were new medications like Byetta(which I tried)and insulin. I have a phobia about needles and they would both have to be injected. Byetta twice a day and insulin once. Well the logical choice would have been the insulin right. Well you know me I had to choose the Byetta first and I hated taking it. I felt weird and sick to my stomach all the time. I hated giving myself the shots because they left bruises that hurt for days. So with anything I take or don't want to take I become passive aggressive. I just didn't take it and my sugars got higher and higher. I was sleeping all the time. Thirsty, tired and irritable and that is just a few of the things that were happening.

I went to the doctor a while back and we decided(or rather he said I had no choice) that I would take the insulin. At first I hated the idea but then I realized it doesn't hurt like the Byetta. The needle on the pen is smaller and I only have to take it before I go to bed which works great for me so I can remember to take it at the same time everyday. So far my sleepiness has gone away and I am not thirsty all the time. My patience is a little thicker and I am still tired but I haven't gotten my blood sugars all the way to where they need to be.

I have told all of this to ask for this. I am just realizing what a dangerous state I have been in. My nutritionist Siri wants me to really keep up with this better and I am going to try. I want everyone to pray for me that I will take this more seriously and that I will try harder and that I will succeed in getting my blood sugar levels under control.

I haven't really thought about the consequences of this disease before. I was so young when I was diagnosed and it has been ok for so long that I have sort of pushed it to the back of my head. I am not wanting to live in fear but awareness.

Circumstances

I have been going through some things lately that lots of others may never face. Dealing with my weight loss, being in a wheelchair, living alone, etc. were things that I had gotten used to. God was slowly but surely bringing me through those difficult things but lately other things have started to creep in. I guess you could say life started to happen again. It's like I have been in a freezer for a few years and I am being let out in a different place and I feel lost. The last few months have been rough and life keeps happening but the difference is I am learning to deal with it differently. I am learning to trust God. It is hard for me to trust anyone. Everyone I have ever trusted has hurt me. Our pastor talked about how even God forsook his son, Jesus, this weekend and how He had to do that not because He wanted to but because that's the only way Jesus could know how we feel. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I know Jesus is my friend and I am putting my trust in Him. I know He has given me family and friends to help me but He and He alone has never failed me and has never left me. Though sometimes I want to run away from life and just hide or not wake up I am learning with God I can make it through. And as a wise old woman told me tonight, Life is worth living.

VBS Day 5

Today we learned that Jesus is our Rescuer. The bible story was about Jesus and Peter walking on the water. We made aquariums and I asked the kids to make them look like what it would have looked like under the water to Peter. The kids were angels tonight. I believe this was the best night yet with their attitudes and with their behavior. I had so much fun. The preschoolers even made an aquarium for me.
I had a challenge with an individual tonight and I am praying that I did the right thing. I am trying to learn to defend myself against things in the right way. I was not in the wrong and tried to explain to that person what happened and they got ugly with me. I have anxiety attacks and this happened before I had some of the kids so I was extra stressed. Please pray that I can get over my hurt feelings and that I do the right thing.

VBS Day 4

Day 4 we talked about how God is our Defender. We taught a wonderful story about Elisha and how the King of Syria had an army that was coming against God's people. I had never read this story until I was studying for the bible school. God told Elisha what the Syrians were doing and everytime they would come against the people of God they would be thwarted. The Syrian King found out about Elisha being a prophet and ordered his army to take him. Needless to say God had a force mightier than they did and in the end the Israelites showed compassion on the Syrians when they were captive and they didn't come against them again. The kids loved learning about the armies and had so many questions. They are so great. I have had a wonderful time and I have learned alot both from the material being taught and from the kids themselves. Tonight's craft was a mask.