Life

This week has been a roller coaster ride. From a high high to a low low. Tuesday my personal trainer came to my house for our first session. He was really nice and I think I am going to like having him come to see me once a week for support and for learning how to move my body so I can get healthier. God just worked this out so that I could have the support I needed to lose weight. I spent Christmas Eve day at my mom's house. I almost fell when I was leaving and had a hard time getting to the car to go home. This totally ruined everything that had went before. I spent Christmas Day at home by myself which had sort of been the tradition since I moved out of my mom's house 5 years ago. Friday night I started having a melt down. I cried all weekend. On Sunday afternoon a brother from church that has never called me before called my mom and got my phone number and called me to check on me. I cried and cried when I got off the phone because I knew God had heard my cries and was letting me know that He heard me and that I would be ok. After church Sunday night a sister who I have known my whole life but who rarely calls me called and just wanted to know if I was ok. I am thankful for my church family and for God impressing on their hearts that I needed someone to pray and I needed someone to reach out to me. I get so frustrated sometimes and I wonder when it all will get better or when things will change but I just have to keep focused and learn to roll with this crazy thing called life.

Family Christmas

Yesterday my family celebrated Christmas. The kids couldn't wait to open their presents and Jaxon started opening them up before everyone got there. I wanted to share my plan for yesterday. I talked to my mom and found out what was being served and then I planned what I would eat accordingly. My mom brought a plate to me and I ate in the livingroom with the kids playing while everyone else ate around the kitchen table. I know this didn't help in distancing myself from others but it helped me achieve my goal of not overeating. I ate mostly protein and vegetables and didn't eat potato salad or bread. I enjoyed a sugar free dessert and savored the taste of all the other food I allowed myself to eat. The only set back was when two of my sisters started eating dessert in front of me. I asked one of them to not bring anything else in and then the other one came in so I asked her to go back to the kitchen. No one really liked that I did that but I need to be true to myself and I couldn't handle the temptation of fudge and cake. I hope by this time next year I am able to walk around and enjoy being with my family without having to plan ahead but if not I will make it. I have to keep telling myself that I can win this fight with God's help.

The Joy and Pain of two year olds

I have a had wonderful past two days. I have felt happy and hopeful. Of course watching a 2 year old play always puts a smile on my face. My sister Chrissy brought her son Jaxon to visit yesterday. He is so smart. He can watch you do something one time and then he knows how to do it from then on. He can even see part of what you are doing and figure the rest out. He has had a delay in speech but in my family it is probably more of not being able to get a word in edge-wise. He is the kind of person who sets back and looks over the situation and then acts. He's a lot like my dad that way. He has the most incredible little laugh. He laughs all the time and it is so infectious. He also has the worst temper I have ever seen. He screams if he doesn't get his way and he doesn't give up or back down. You know when a kid does something and you tell him to look you in the eye and most kids won't they will do anything to keep from looking you in the eye because they know they are in trouble. Well he will look you straight in the eye and he doesn't back down or give up. My nieces and nephews are just wonders but of course I am prejudiced. Sara and Bayker have already showed musical talent and Rayvn is so tender hearted. Jaxon is just a bundle of joy. Mom says he is meaner than a striped snake but of course it's when he is acting like granny that he is mean(usually when he won't back down for nothing). I think it is funny how they will stare each other down because it's her eyes only brown looking at her. I don't think she has realized that yet. I guess I should stop talking about him for now.

Loneliness and Hope

I have made some interesting revelations about myself in the past week or so. I have made myself alone. I know that whole sentence sounds funny but I have. I have felt rejected so many times and instead of enduring that kind of hurt again I have withdrawn and not let anyone in. The weight has also been a way to withdraw or isolate. I have felt like ok if people are going to reject me I will give them a reason. I will be fat and then they will not like me because of that and not because I am bossy or not funny or too serious. I have used the pounds to put a wall up around my heart physically, mentally, and emotionally. All of this comes at an emotional time for me. November 16th was the two year anniversary of my best friend, Doug's death and December 11th was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. I have to move past these things. Neither of these special men would want me to stay mired in the grief I feel for them this time of year. I have decided to celebrate their lives this year and to also enjoy this season of hope and love now more than ever before. I have to open up to people and writing this blog, though sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, has been a way to do that. I have known Krista for years now but we have never really talked or anything and Valerie I have known of for years also and I have never really talked to her either but somehow I have been able to open up to the two of you. I know other people will eventually read this and that's ok but I have allowed someone in and that feels like a major accomplishment right now. This past week has been horrible on my weight loss journey. I have let down in taking my blood sugar and I have not written any food in my food journal but I feel like I have grown a little because I have been dealing with the past and dealing with the reasons I have reached the weight I have.
I received a wonderful blessing in my nutritionist appointment yesterday. My nutritionist was joined by a personal trainer that works with her in helping people manage their weight and reach their goals. The personal trainer saw right through all the carefully developed facade of my outward appearance and saw how I was just covering up my hurt and pain and not letting myself be vulnerable and trusting. I almost started crying which I hate to do in public. My sister Chrissy did start crying and that made it worse for me. I have got to learn to feel my feelings. Sounds really odd doesn't it. To feel your feelings, what else can you do with them. I have become a master at covering them up and hiding what I really felt. I have dealt with anger and depression in the last couple of weeks and as the weight is coming off I have to deal with what got me to that place in the first place and that has been a difficult thing to do. Not dealing with my feelings has only gotten me to the place of having anxiety attacks and anxiety related seizures. As I deal with the feelings the anxiety has come over me but I know now that I will get through the anxiety attack and I will make it out the other side.

Found this on Krista's blog

This was on Krista's blog and I thought I would try this also. I, like Krista, will highlight the things I have done. There are 200 of these so sorry if it takes forever to read.

Have you ever:

1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris- I planned to and even took 3 years of French in High School but they went to Spain instead of France the year I was eligible so I didn't get to go.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty- when I was 13 with the church group only reason I did was because Johnny Herbie Pratt said I couldn't which was just a ploy to get me to do it.
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort-does a snow commode count
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run-only because the people kept dropping the ball so I made all the way home
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors- if the little cabin where my mom was born counts
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied- every time I pay my bills and have enough left over to do me until I get more money
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight-no but I could bench press 145lbs at one time
46. Milked a cow-no but I have milked a goat when I was a little girl
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke-at home with my family
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest-no but does second count, 4th grade went as Cindy Lauper
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently-like I said 3 years of French but can't do it now.
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone - physical
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy-didn't buy it but play with my dolls and stuff with my niece
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did-Shelton Laurel Masacre
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover-haven't finished but have tried 2 years in a row to do this maybe this year
86. Changed someones mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name-as in Alias since I was doing something I shouldn't have been, not illegal but probably was immoral, young and stupid at the time
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad-started an English translation but just couldn't do it
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch - does sewing count?
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair-I have had blonde, crayon red, purple, hot pink, black, brown, and auburn colored hair, natural is dark brown graying
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all four-and the cat was mad at me forever, when I was a kid
106. Raked your carpet - when I was a kid
107. Brought out the best in people- or so I was told by supervisors and ex boyfriends
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe.
113. Buried a child
114. Gone to a Broadway (or equivalent to your country) play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket-actually won the women's three point shoot out at the factory where I worked in KY, only two men in the whole company did better and I wasn't even trying, my mom is a great basketball player and played center on her elementary school team and she taught me to shoot.
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird-no but I have hit one with the car
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone-used to volunteer to teach people to read and also volunteered at an after school program helping children who were academically challenged
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style- helped bring the poof to my high school but Chanda, my sister, had the best poof we called it her bunker
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book-self published a silly story for one of my sister's when she was sick.
128. Pieced a quilt- (a very small one!)
129. Lived in a historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one - does Putt Putt count?- I beat Jaron just don't remind him because he will say I cheated and I didn't
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating-fell three times before I even got into the rink so I gave up 135. Ran a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo- a brother at church asked me to and I am tone deaf but he seemd to think I could sing so I gave it a try and almost fainted
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment-just today I said thank you to a compliment instead of my first thought of making a joke about it
145. Written a love-story
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David-on same church trip some of the ladies were scandalized and didn't want me to look even though I was 13 and totally clueless about why
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury-does mock trial in school count
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers-the definition is short like underpants
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator- for a short time during a power outage probably why I am terrified of them now
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life-Chrissy would disagree but she fell in the ocean when I was 12 and she was 8 and I pulled her out by her long red hair. The tide was taking her out and everything. She was more mad at me for pulling her hair.
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint-know how to needlepoint-badly, have a tatting shuttle and some tatting my grandmother made
178. Laughed till your side hurt-just tonight at Jaxon throwing a fit
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hostel
184. Been a cashier-in high school helped run the store in Marketing and I ran the cash register then.
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a camp fire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube-finally
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend-just recently
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to a NJP newsletter

This was fun and I hope informative.

Food and My relationship to it

I have always had a love/hate relationship with food. I love how it tastes and makes me feel but I hate that it controls so much of my life. In talking with my nutrionist today I have to come up with ways to distract myself from food and to focus my energy on something else. I have had a difficult week with feeling bad and worrying about my sister. I know I shouldn't worry but that is on thing God has not removed from me so I just have to keep fighting on. I turn to food for comfort and for security. I need to turn more to God and I also need to find an outlet for those feelings and another way to sooth my nerves and ease my troubled mind. Blogging has become therapy for me. I know there are only a few people who read this blog but I think mostly this is for me and the help it s giving to me. If someone else gets something from this then I am happy but I know it has helped me to make progress and I hope I continue to.

God IS MOVING!

Chanda got to come home from the hospital today. The doctor informed her that he couldn't find an infection now. He was baffled that the MRI showed an infection and the culture has not shown one so far. YEAH! Isn't God so good to us! So he sent her home with a muscle relaxer and pain meds until Monday when she goes back to see him in his office. I know that it is the Lord moving for her. I know that she was prayed for by the brothers at church twice this weekend and I know God moved and is still moving. I just wanted to share this and Praise God for all he is doing for us. His tender mercies we never deserve but are so blessed with. I am so thankful that He touched her body. He has always been there for my family and He continues to watch over us and help us. I don't know what I would do without Him.

Thanksgiving

I am so thankful for the wonderful Thanksgiving Day that my family had. I got to go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. In the past few years I have missed more family holidays than I have been able to attend. Last year I fell the day before Thanksgiving and broke my knee in two places so I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas so I feel especially blessed this year to get to spend the time with my family. This year I may even go on Christmas. I have spent Christmas Day at home the last four years. My family usually celebrates Christmas early because my sisters go to their in-laws homes on Christmas Day but this year my sister Chrissy's husband does not get off for Christmas til the day before and he will be coming from South Carolina so we will celebrate the Saturday after Christmas more than likely but I think I will go to my mom's on Christmas Day anyway. My sister Connie didn't come up for Thanksgiving and Candy was in Nashville with her husband's mother so it was the three babies, me, Chanda, and Chrissy and my brother-in-law Steve and my niece Rayvn and my nephews Jaxon and Bayker. We had a wonderful time and my mom actually cooked the meal this year. She hasn't cooked the Thanksgiving meal in about 4 or 5 years. Me, Chanda, or Chrissy and sometimes a combination of us all cook and Connie or Candy may bring a dessert or something but this year we kept it really simple and mom was able to cook it herself. Of course Chanda is not feeling well, I couldn't drive up there early and fix anything like I have before and Chrissy didn't get in til the night before so that is why she did it. I think it made her happy that she was able to do it. She has either had a broken arm or she had been sick every year. One year my sister Connie was in the hospital. Thank God that everyone was well this year. Speaking of being well my sister Chanda has to go in the hospital Tuesday for a biopsy on her spine. I am sort of upset about this not because I don't know that God can heal her but because this is the time of year we lost my dad and it always makes us cautious when one of us gets sick this time of year. My dad, Jay Shelton, died two weeks before Christmas 25 years ago and it still bothers us. I don't agree that time makes things better because some days it will hit me and it will be just like I was that 9 year old kid again. Of course those days are fewer and farther between but it is still there. Please be in prayer for my sister and my family. My baby sister Chrissy and her son Jaxon is going to stay with us until after Christmas. Her husband Steve and their oldest son Bayker are going home so please pray for Steve that Bayker won't get sick or anything and that he will be able to handle him alone. Chrissy is staying to help take care of my mom, Chanda, Rayvn, and me since we don't have anyone else to do it. Candy is in school until the middle of December and I know she will be helping too. Connie has to work and will not be able to help much but I know she will go to the hospital and sit with Chanda and help her as much as she can. Just please keep us in your prayers.

Rayvn's blog entry

Rayvn is excited because she is going to see her cousins. Their names are Jaxon, Bayker, Sara, Tommy Ray, Megan, Tyler, Heath, and her brother Brandon. Her brother Brandon loves her. He hugs me everytime I go to see him. She can't wait to eat turkey on Thanksgiving. She is thankful for friends and family. I'm thankful for God, Jesus,and the food she has, and she is thankful that she has somewhere to sleep. This is probably because she got a new bedroom suit from her Aunt Candy and Uncle Gary because her bed was too small. She willbe celebrating Thanksgiving at her granny's house and then Friday she will go to her Meme's house.

Rayvn was at my house and we decided to post a blog entry for her. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.

PS My sister Chanda has an infection in her spine(we don't think it is meningitis) and also has to have a biopsy on Tuesday morning. She will be out of work indefinitely and will be in the hospital about a week and then at home on iv antibiotics.

Sister

I would like for anyone who is reading my blog to pray for my baby sister. It is funny sometimes to think of her as my baby sister because she is 6' tall and she more or less tells me what to do. We are only one year apart in age, actually 1 year and 9 days to be exact. She has been having problems with her back for quite a while now. She hasn't really wanted anyone to know but it is looking like there could really be something wrong with her. I depend on her to buy my groceries and to take me places and I have been trying to back off alot on going anywhere because she is always in so much pain afterwards but then she just fusses at me if I don't go and says you need to get out of the house. She doesn't know that for the last two months I have felt like leaving the house just not wanting her to have to pick up my wheelchair and put it in her truck. She has had two MRIs in the last week and tommorrow she will be going to a specialist. We really don't know what is wrong with her other than a disc is really overfilled with fluid and bone marrow is leaking out around it. Everything I have found on the web has led to arthritis or cancer and I am really scared. I spent my childhood taking care of her and she has spent the last two years taking care of me. She will always be my doll, I thought my parents were bringing her home for me to play with and I called her doll when she was born and that sort of stuck. I wish everyone would please pray for her. She has been through so much with an abusive marriage that she is finally getting out of and I hope that God spares her more pain. She has a six year old daughter who is me made over. I sometimes joke with her that God felt she hadn't learned what she needed to from me so He gave her another me to teach her more. So please pray for her and my family. I know God will see us through all of this I just hope it is really nothing.

Control

I sort of flipped out over the weekend. My whole time was spent obsessing about food. My nutritionist had given me guidelines to go by in choosing my daily food intake. She had also put down that she wanted me to eat up to 6 times a day. Most people would probably think who hoo I can eat six times a day. Not me, I was like I have to face eating and choosing what to eat and when to stop six times a day. I sort of freaked and ate way too much and then today when I talked to her we changed plans. I am going to work on being mindful about what I eat, I am going to try to change some of my bad habits and I am going to keep writing in my food diary and taking my blood sugars and working a little at a time. I felt it was a control issue. Having a meal plan meant someone was controlling what I was eating and I wasn't in control anymore. I know what I have been doing in the past hasn't worked but I am not ready to be on a diet anymore I want to change habits and make wise choices myself not do what someone else tells me to do. That to me is not changing me it's controlling me and I have to be in charge of what I eat. I figured out since I am in the wheelchair I have lost control of all other aspects of my life but the food part. I know in the past I have been too controlling in my life and I have had to learn to give control over to my family and to God but the one little area of my life I was still controlling was what I eat. My nutritionist was so understanding and she is letting me tell her how I need her support now. I know that control is a habit I have to break but I am not ready to do that yet. Maybe someday I will be able to let go completely and stop being a control freak. I know that the part of me that is compulsive and a perfectionist has to be addressed and dealt with. I know I have to deal with guilt and other things. I know with the support of my family, friends, and nutritionist but most of all God I can conquer the problems and learn how to control my being controlling. Funny huh!

Nutritionist Report

I am sort of anxious today. I just got off the phone with my nutrionist and she has asked me to eat more than I have been. Not in quantities but in times a day. Just two months ago I did well if I ate twice a day. I usually would eat one large meal and then I would not eat until the next day at the same time. I have started to eat three meals a day and I know that I have to learn to eat the right way and more often so that I can achieve my goal of losing weight. I have anxiety because I feel eating got me to where I am now and I have to learn that food is my friend not my enemy. I know that I have to turn to God for help in this and I have to be willing to change myself. I am trying to change and grow. This has been an uncomfortable thing for me but getting uncomfortable helps you to change habits and to grow as a person. I have for too long just tried to not be uncomfortable. I have not left my house unless I absolutely had to and I have used my discomfort to keep me prisoner to my anxiety and fear. I have to be uncomfortable, I have to face my fears. Psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried unto the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the moutains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah
This is one place that I love when I am feeling anxious and alone, I know that I am never alone. I can do this with the Lord's help

Change- yourself and others

I have been doing alot of thinking and soul searching in the last few months. I have been trying to change myself. I truly believe we can change no one but ourselves. I have never understood people that start dating someone and then say I see so much potential in that other person and I know I can change them or make them better in some way. I have never felt I should be in a relationship with someone I want to change. God can change people but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I want God to change. I feel that people need to accept others for who they are warts and all and love them like they are. If you have fundamental differences with a person like religion or the way you want to raise your children or what you think is right in general then you don't need to be with that person even if you are already in love with them. Some say love is enough but I believe that after the first bloom of love there has to be respect and you have to have shared goals and dreams. This is coming from a single woman but I have watched so many people go into marriage and relationships thinking that if they would only change this or that that everything would be perfect and those tiny differences have ended up causing them to divorce. I hate to hear people say I don't know what happened, all of a sudden things were different. I think people see through rose colored glasses lots of time. I have been in relationships with people who I have had differences of religion and ethics with I have tried to make those relationships work only to realize I would have to give up to much of myself and what I believe in to make them work. I see so many people hurting because their spouse changed after they were married. I think alot of people go along with what they think the other person wants just to get them and then it's like I have them I can be myself now. I want God to put me together with the person he wants me to be with. I want God to send someone to me that believes the same way I do and has the same morals and ethics and basic compatibility with me that I need. I don't want another me I want someone to compliment me. And if it is God's will that I don't marry then I am fine with that. It has taken alot of changing myself to get to this point.

Bad Day

Two years ago today I lost a dear, dear friend. His name was Doug. He was 40 years old and died in a car accident. He was probably the best guy friend I ever had. I talked to him at least 4 times a week. The way we met was we went out on a date. Actually we ended up going out on two. The sparks didn't fly for either one of us but we found a friend. I think sometimes it is better to have a friend than a boyfriend. When I would be upset I would call him and tell him what was going on and he would cuss for me. I know that sounds funny but I try not to cuss and he would just start cussing and I would start laughing at him and I always felt better. I know that sounds crazy but I am the type of person who will let people walk over me until I just can't take it anymore then I will explode. Sometimes when I am sad or lonely I will wish he was still here to talk to. He was such a gentle soul naturally. He loved animals and tried to treat people with respect. He only cussed for me so I wouldn't and so I would laugh. We were the type of friends that if I needed him at 3:00 in the morning I could call him or if he needed me anytime he could call me. We didn't have any secrets between us and he knew the real me. Sometimes I think no one else really ever has. I realized that today was the anniversary of his death when I wished for the millionth time I could talk to him and then I saw the date. I thought the best way I could honor his memory today would be to do the one thing he always admonished me to do, take care of myself. He would be so proud of me for making a change in my life. He would be cheering me on at ever turn and making me start all over again. I know he would want me to be happy and so I am going to try to do that in honor of him and everything he meant to me.

13 not 32

I lost 13 pounds. I know it wasn't the 32 that I had hoped for but 13 has always sort of been my lucky number. Not lucky in the superstitious sense but I just really like 13. I guess it all goes back to me always liking the underdog. 13 has such a bad rap and it hasn't done anything. I digress. I am really encouraged at first I was sort of disappointed but I did the math and that is 1.625 pounds per week and my nutritionist was excited that I was losing the weight healthfully. I have lost it quickly in the past and then just as quickly gained it all back and more so I guess slow and steady wins the race. I think it was Paul in the New Testament that said in whatever state I find myself to be content. I know this isn't exactly the direct quote but I couldn't quickly find the verse in the Bible. I am happy and content that I lost 13 pounds. I am thankful to God for helping me and making it different this time. This time has been totally different than anytime in the past. I feel encouraged and hopeful this late in the game. Most of the time by now I would have become discouraged. My nutritionist is trying to teach me to not feel guilty when I make a mistake but to learn from it. I hope that I will continue to grow and learn.

Tommorrow is W day

Tommorrow I weigh in. After keeping a food journal for 8 weeks and with the help of a nutritionist I am finally weighing to see if I have lost any weight. I feel confident that I have but I am also nervous. I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds in the past. Usually I will lose 70-80 pounds and then get stuck and give up and gain it all back and more. I know alot of people are saying that's alot of weight but when you have hundreds to lose you get frustrated. With the help of God I know this time is different. My goal for tommorrow is 32 pounds and I know I am supposed to lose weight slowly but I hope initially I can lose an average of 4 pounds a week. Next month when I weigh I will have a goal of 3 pounds per week. I am a binge eater and a compulsive over eater. I have tried all the groups and diets that are commercially available, I have been to 6-8 therapists to try to figure out why I am overweight but I have recently been having consultations with a nutritionist once a week and she has directed me in figuring out my different types of hunger and she directed me to a site www.tcme.org . This site is The Center for Mindful Eating. I have learned alot of, for lack of a better word, rituals to help me in my battle against overeating.

Mindful eating checklist
Created Nov. 11, 2008

1. Evaluate my feelings, am I stressed, tired, sad, happy, bored, etc.
2. Evaluate my hunger on a scale of 0-10, 0 being not hungry, 10 being famished, try to eat before I get so hungry I overeat
3. Ask myself, what do I want, what do I need, what do I have?
4. Take steps to maintain portion control. Check packaging for portion size, cook only enough for one meal or immediately put up any remaining food after one portion size.
5. Enjoy the act of making my meal
6. When I eat concentrate only on the meal before me, don’t talk on the phone, watch t.v., or have any distractions, if distractions happen stop eating and remove myself from the food.
7. Enjoy the eating process, how each bite tastes, the contrasts of flavors and try to pick out each thing your tasting, sour, sweet, salty, savory, etc.
8. When I finish one portion re-evaluate feelings, hunger level, and if I only want more or am I actually still hungry
9. Remove myself from the food and redirect my focus if I am just emotional eating. Don’t ignore my cravings.

These are some things I learned that have helped me so far. I hope someone else can use this information to help them also.

My mother

I was talking to my mom about what to name my blog and she said "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." My mom, Anna Belle, is not big on being sorry for yourself. Everytime I get down she says to look at my blessings. You have a beautiful home don't you. Yes momma. You can walk a little bit can't you. Yes momma. You are not in a ditch somewhere with nothing to eat are you. No momma. She will not allow me to throw a pity party and her be an attendant. I know she is right. My life such as it is could be alot worse. I have alot of health problems but they could always be worse. When we go to church or anywhere for that matter and someone asks her how she is she always says I'm fine or I'm better than I have a right to be. Oh, by the way the comments above are actually what she says. Yes, she says you are not in a ditch somewhere. She has alot of colorful sayings and I will probably share more with you along the way. She is alot older than most parents of 34 yr olds. She is 73 and she is a character. She grew up in a mining community until her parents saved enough to build a house on my grandmother's property. She lived in a block house until she was 17 and then she moved to Michigan to live with my aunt and work in a candy factory. She has often told us of how she would make the big suckers that swirl around. She said she had to swirl them into a circle, cut the end off, and then put the stick in the bottom. She has lots of stories from where she has worked in her life. She actually worked until she was 6 months pregnant with me. She left Michigan to take care of my uncle Bill's children. That's how she met my dad. His mother was neighbors with my aunt and uncle. She has had an eventful and colorful life. Married at 18, 1st child at 19, second at 24, 3rd at 39, 4th at 40, and last but not least at 42 her 5th baby, all girls. She has always been a caretaker. She took care of my grandmother, my uncle Chalk, and my dad was chairman of the deacon board at church and she felt it was her responsibility to take care of everyone at church. She tried to make sure everyone had food, clothes, and a way to church. She has been present at more than 14 homebirths and helped each woman with cleaning the house, making a meal, etc. When I was small and people she knew passed away she would always show up at their house with a meal and would clean their house or do anything she could to make this time easier for them. After my dad died, when she was just 48, she slowed down alot. She didn't feel it was her place to do like she did before so she stepped back so the deacons' wives at church would step up and carry on her tradition. I think of her alot when our current chairman of the deaconboard's wife does the things my mom used to do. Momma often bemoans the fact that she is not able to do for people like she used to. She has osteoporosis and degenerative spine disorder as well as osteoarthritis and other ailments and that slows her down alot. She still will come to my house weekly and sweep or do things I am not able to do. I guess you could say that over the past few years she has become my best friend.