Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone

Endocrinologist and Bariatric journey

2010-11-12T16:27:00.002-05:00

Well a lot has been going on. I went to my endocrinologist appointment yesterday. My blood sugars are running high but that is because of the medicine I was put on after my surgery. In better news I have lost weight. I had gained weight last time and was discouraged. I have lost 23 lbs this last month from being so sick with the migraines and stomach pain from the medicine for a total of 87 lbs lost total. Yay!

My bariatric surgery was denied and we are in the process of appealing it so it won't happen in December more than likely. I just have to be patient and work on it.

Bariatric Journey and anxiety

2010-11-01T08:23:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in a while but I wanted to update everyone on where I am in my bariatric surgery journey. I have decided to have the bilio-pancreatic diversion with duodenal switch or BPD for short. I am hoping to have the surgery in December but I am still waiting for approval and then I have to wait a month because I have to be on a 800 calorie liver shrinking diet for 4 weeks. My surgeon is to be Dr. Stephen Boyce. He has a clinic in Knoxville and I will be going to Parkwest Hospital for my surgery. My insurance should cover all but a $1500 program fee and the food and vitamins I need for the before surgery diet. I was blessed to get money back from school this semester so the $1500 is in the bank and I am looking forward to getting started. You all know how I have struggled with losing weight. I lost 80 lbs and I have kept off 75 lbs but it has been a struggle to maintain that loss.

I had surgery a few weeks ago that had me worried and I ate too much and gained 9 lbs back. I have since lost it but I am struggling daily because they put me on megace for the suspected cancer and even after they found out I didn't have cancer they have insisted I take it for 3 months to reset my body. I am so thankful to God that I don't have cancer. I had all the symptoms for several years now of endometrial cancer but I had ignored them thinking it could be my Polycystic Ovarian disease. It wasn't and I feel God healed me. The doctor said that he had never see someone so bad not have cancer. God really does still work miracles.

Due to the surgery and some major changes in my life (3 caregivers in a 2 week period, Devin got married, Gary didn't work out and JoAnn agreed to help me again) I have been having major anxiety attacks again. I have had a horrible couple of weeks. I think being put to sleep and the after effects coupled with the medicine side effects (migraines and upset stomach) along with the changes have caused the anxiety level to increase. I wish everyone who reads this would pray for me that I will get control of the anxiety again and be able to leave my home without shaking really bad. I started to church a week ago and we got about a mile from my house and I had to come back home. I just couldn't handle leaving my house. I need to go to church and I have to go take a test this week so I really need your prayers.

I will try to post more on the bariatric surgery as it progresses because it may help someone. I haven't had the time to post because of school but I have missed it and I hope I can find the time again.

Gratitude Week 7

2010-05-09T06:54:00.000-04:00

I have so much to be grateful for this week. God has moved for my family so much. My sister Connie was diagnosed with colon cancer. The biopsy showed cancer and she went in for surgery on Friday. The doctors took out 6 inches of colon, 4 inches intestine, a few other tumors. When she was in the recovery room the doctor came in and said "There was no cancer in anything we took out." THANK YOU GOD!!!! I can't give God enough praise for what He did for her. My sister Candy has been going through a lot in the past 2 weeks. She had several asthma attacks and ended up having a heart attack in South Carolina. While on her way home after she was released from the hospital in SC she had to be admitted in NC. They thought it was her heart again but it ended up being an infection in her foot. She asked them to release her to go home to her regular physician. Her doctor sent her to wound care and they sent her emergency to the hospital in Knoxville. She had emergency surgery and had her foot debried and two of her toes removed. That night after surgery she was short of breath and was basically drowning she was so filled with fluid. My sister Chanda was with her and thank God for her training she knew what to do and called the nurses and told them to bring certain things in for her. My mom called for prayer for her at 1:30 that morning and God moved. Her heart rate was over 200 and she was on the verge of death. Thank God I have my two oldest sisters still here with me today. My heart is heavy for what my sister Candy is going through. I have cried over the loss of those precious little toes so hard but I know God has her in His big mighty hands and that He can comfort her and keep her safe. I know He has plans for her. We don't know why we have to go through what we do but I have learned one thing God rains on the just and the unjust the same. He sees everything and I am thankful for His safe harbor and His mercy.

1) I am grateful for God healing Connie of colon cancer.
2) I am grateful that God spared Candy's life and I am believing that He will move for her and she won't have to have further surgeries.
3) I am so grateful for God's abundant mercy and love, for the many, many times He has moved for my family. I can't complain for the things He has allowed to happen because there are so many, many more things that He has kept from our lives. I want to give God a million praises for being with me and my family.

Gratitude Week 6

2010-05-05T08:33:00.000-04:00

I am going to cut to the chase this week and get right to the gratitude.

1) I am grateful for my church family- I know I have put this one before but I am especially thankful to Sis. Charlene this week for getting a copy of the Assembly that my church has annually. I haven't gotten to attend in a few years and she has been faithful to get a copy for me to enjoy so that I feel like I am part of the church as a whole.

2) I am thankful for God's mercy and grace- My sister Candy has been in the hospital twice in the last week and God has her in his hands. I know whatever happens He is in control. I am also thanking God in advance for taking care of my sister Connie in her surgery that is going to be on Friday instead of Thursday.

3) I am thankful for the peace that God gives me when my mind and heart are in turmoil. I can turn to Him anytime. He is truly my friend. I remember realizing this for the first time after my dad died when I was about 10. I was in my room in the floor crying and I felt the presence of God and the Holy Ghost comforting me. I am thankful that even though I have left Him, He has never left me.

The gratitude experiment has been difficult but has become a necessary part of my week. I sometimes sit down to write and think what in the world do I have to say this week but then I think of the way God has moved in my life in the past week and I can't help but express my love for Him and all He does for me.

Survive vs Thrive

2010-05-03T05:08:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about survival. Survival is ingrained in our brains, bodies, I guess you could say our very cells. It seems for so long now I have merely survived. I am like the flower in the garden that keeps coming back year after year that is weaker and weaker with each passing season. I am ready to thrive. It seems no matter how hard I try I keep getting stuck and never going forward. It's like an invisible wall is set at a certain point on my journey and no matter how hard I push or what I throw at that wall it never yields. I've stood before the wall many times over the years. I have devised many plans to make that wall crumble at my feet. It is still there and I am still on this side of the wall. I have tried to go over it, under it, around it, and through it but still it remains. Strong, unmoveable, keeping me from where I need to be. I don't want to become complacent and decide to live on this side of the wall. The other side holds unknown trials and I am sure some rough roads but the other side calls me to overcome the wall, to move forward and in to the destiny God has for me. It calls me to action time and again. I am weak now but God can make me strong again.

I know this all seems to be poetic or unreal but this is a real struggle I have faced for years. I quit to come back to the wall over and over again. I have faced this battle so many times in my life and I want to overcome. Please help me pray that this time I won't fall, this time I will prevail against the enemy and move through to the other side. This time I am calling on my friends and family to help me pray and I am praying God moves quickly for me.

Please also remember my family this week. We have had several illnesses...Chanda's knee, Candy's asthma attacks, and Connie goes in for surgery for colon cancer on Thursday. I know my own struggles are minute in comparison to the battle Connie is facing. Please, please pray that God will heal her and move for her and that this time she will move forward and not go back either.

Gratitude Week 5

2010-04-28T06:20:00.000-04:00

A lot is going on in my life right now. I am finishing the semester up at school today. I am going to be looking for a new caregiver soon. JoAnn just really doesn't have the time anymore to help me, take care of her family, and work a full-time job. When she started working for me she was at another store and could work her schedule out better but with the move to the bigger store and everything it's just really been a struggle for her to be here when I need her to be. My sister Connie goes in for surgery for her colon cancer May 6th or 7th. Please pray for her and for the surgeons hands that God will guide them to take out exactly what needs to be removed. Chanda found out that her knee was not a torn ligament or tendon like the doctors suspected but was actually the same thing that is wrong with mine only she found out in an earlier stage. Please pray that God can heal her knees and she can do what she needs to do to gain better health. She is in the last legs of her nurses training and she just keeps saying "I just want to be able to finish", she is scheduled to graduate in August I believe.
On to the weight loss journey. I have gained back some weight. I now have only lost 60 lbs. I have to get determined. I have been in a deep depression lately and I can't seem to get out of it. That hasn't helped the weight loss because I eat when I get upset. If I don't lose the weight I am signing my own death warrant. In related issues, I have determined I am a foody. I had the best ice cream in the world the other day. It reminded me of when I was a child and my mom used to take us to Kay's Ice Cream Parlor for a special treat. We never had ice cream in the house growing up, for that matter we didn't have chips, cokes, cookies, or cakes. If it didn't come from the garden we didn't eat it basically, except for hamburger, bread, and maccaroni and cheese(the powder kind, and the staples, (you know= flour, meal, shortening, tea, coffee, sugar). We always had plenty to eat we just didn't eat like other people did. Anyway the ice cream was Kay's Strawberry Shortcake. OH MY GOSH!!! Jo Ann and I got some and as I was eating it I was trying to figure out the flavors. I kept saying if I didn't know better I would think it had buttermilk in it. Well, it did, it was awesome, buttermilk, whole milk, cream, eggs, cream cheese, strawberries. What's not to love.

So that brings us to the gratitude list:

1) I am thankful for God's healing power. I know He can touch my sister's bodies like he has so many times in the past. He has healed my family of cancer, CHF, other heart issues, I watched my mother have a stroke when I was about 10 and I called for prayer and I watched her face return to normal right before my eyes. I know God's power to heal is not gone. I know if it is His will He will heal them both.
2) I am thankful for the opportunity God has blessed me with to attend college. It was a life-long dream of mine to be a teacher. Through God's grace He has taken the mistakes I made right out of high school and turned them around so that I will be able to obtain a degree in Elementary Education. I can never thank God enough for this opportunity. I had a full tuituion scholarship to Lincoln Memorial University when I finished High School and I decided that it was more important to enter the work force and support myself than to go away to school. I was broken hearted over it for a long time because I did what I felt I had to. God really can mend your broken heart and restore to you the things you thought you had lost forever.
3) I am thankful for the food I have to eat. God has always blessed us to have enough even in times when we wouldn't have anymore food in the house. God has never left my family hungry and He has blessed me to be able to have an appetite. This can be a two-edged sword for me but I have seen people who wanted to eat not be able to and I am thankful that God has blessed me to not have to go through that to this present time. Pray that I can gain control, through God's help, of my addiction to eating too much.

Gratitude Week 4

2010-04-20T02:04:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you just have to decide to have a better attitude. I have been in and am still in a funk. I have decided I am going to try to be in a better mood. Sunday night I got to attend church service and I really needed it. Circumstances have worked out that I had not gotten to go to church very often in the past 5 weeks. My care givers or their families have been sick or I have been sick and I think I went to church twice in 5 weeks. I hate missing church. I try to attend at least two services a week and I think this has contributed to my being down. It is such an uplift to go to church and hear a sermon. Sometimes, like Sunday night, they are especially for you and other times you can see them touching others lives or preparing us for what's to come. Bro. Curtis came to my house last week and fixed my wheelchair. I had worried about it for a while because if I take it in to be serviced they usually want to keep it and I don't have any way of doing my normal everyday activities like cooking or washing clothes or dishes. I was without it for a while last year and it was horrible. Devin's aunt passed away Sunday and it really made me realize how short life is. She was only in her late 50's or early 60's but had had numerous illnesses. So please remember her family when you pray. I am grateful for the following this week:

1. Brothers who will help you when you are in need and who follow the leading they get from God, Thank you to Bro. Curtis

2. Getting to attend church, I really needed it and Bro. Jason really touched my heart and helped me on my journey Sunday night.

3. For my life, sometimes I take for granted actually being alive. I have often heard ministers talk about how God let's us have life. They ask everyone to move their pinky finger and say God let us do that. It's easy to forget how precious life is.

I hope everyone who reads this has a wonderful week and please remember me and my family when you pray.

Gratitude Week Three

2010-04-12T20:49:00.001-04:00

I am a little behind with this week's post. I have been battling a problem with depression lately. I have some decisions to make and I don't really want to do this. My sister also has found out she may have cancer and this is worrying me a little. We will find out tommorrow if it is colon cancer or not. If you read this please pray for her and her daughter and grandson. So this week it has been a little hard to think about gratitude but I have so much to be grateful for. One thing I just sort of figured out today was that I have a friend in Devin. She is one of my care-givers and I was her nanny when she was little but today I realized she really is a woman now. This past year I have watched her mature a lot. Also my friend Sandy has been there so much for me this week and my friend Jo Ann has tried to be there for me but she is going thru alot herself. SO here goes this is what I am thankful for this week.

1. For the healing power we have because of Jesus, that God heals us and if not here we have our healing in a glorified body when we pass away.

2. That God has blessed me with wonderful friends in my life, who are there for me when I need them.

3. That God has blessed my family to be relatively healthy thus far. If we have to face the big C with my sister I have assurance that God will be with us through the battle.

So that is it for this week. I really thought it would be harder but when you think about all you have in your life even in your darkest times you can find something to be grateful for.

Just an update, Connie does have colon cancer in two places. The doctor feels they can remove it and she will not have to have chemo. She also has a spot on her kidney and spleen. I am thankful it is not worse than that. We know God has us in His hands. Please pray for her and our family.

Weight loss journey

2010-04-08T12:59:00.001-04:00

I have been on a plateau with my weight loss for a while now. The nutritionist that was helping me decided that she couldn't continue to help me and I was down and depressed. I have now gotten the opportunity to work with a new dietician and she is so encouraging. She told me that anyone who successfully loses weight at my size has those plateaus. She said my body felt like I was starving it and was holding onto everything and it sometimes takes 6 months or more for it to adjust. I have maintained the 80 lbs lost and that we are going to get motivated and started going forward again. I am documenting my progress with myfitnesspal.com and I am putting the physical therapy that I have just finished into play. So with the thought of going forward I am going to post some goals so I can stay accountable:

1. I plan to track my blood sugars 2 or more times a day.
2. I plan to keep track of my food and exercise everyday on myfitnesspal.com
3. I plan to keep a more positive attitude about the future and that God is helping me through this journey.

I think I have fell in love with making lists lately(lol). Anyway, this is just a little bit of what is going on and I am holding myself accountable with this blog.

The Day before Easter

2010-04-03T15:13:00.000-04:00

Tommorrow may be a busy day so I decided to post my gratitude posting one day early. Easter is the day we celebrate that Jesus rose from the grave. In His resurrection is the hope we have that all His promises are true, that we will have eternal life in Heaven, and most of all that He is our Saviour. I am so thankful that He chose to die on the cross for my sins, that He chose to suffer the beatings and the shame for me. I have claimed His stripes, from the beating He received, for my healing on so many occasions. Jesus did so much for me that I can never repay Him even if I lived a thousand years and served Him continually night and day.

This week my church has been in revival. I got to attend Wednesday and Thursday night. Wednesday night the pastor preached on patience and waiting on God. He read from Mark 5 about the girl that was sick and her father asked for her healing. On the way to heal the little girl He was thronged with the crowd and the woman who had the issue of blood touched the hem of His garment and was made whole. When He got to the house where the little girl was the servant said she was dead. Jesus asked them where was their faith and told them that the girl was just sleeping. So many times over the last few years I have wondered when my healing would come. I suffer daily from so many things and I felt like I had reached my breaking point. This sermon gave me hope that God was still going to move on my behalf. Thursday night the pastor preached on faith and a dear brother testified. I have had a heavy heart for over a year for him and when he stood up and told how that night he had received something he had been desiring I felt so great for him. He has gone through so much and I know how hard it is to feel far from God. You don't really want be in that shape. This man had always teased me and I had looked forward to his smiles and his laughter. When he started fighting his battle he looked so sad and alone. He still tried to smile and joke but you could tell he just wasn't the same. I am so thankful God moved for him.

So I guess the things I am grateful for this week are:

1. That Jesus chose to die for my sins and that He rose again on the third day that I might have life.
2. I am grateful for the revival, I needed it so badly and I feel like I can go on a little longer.
3. I am thankful that God moved for my friend, it's wonderful to rejoice with your brothers and sisters over how God has moved in their life it can give you hope that God isn't through with you.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter and that you all remember what Jesus has did for you!

Gratitude

2010-03-28T07:53:00.000-04:00

For a while now I have wanted to start writing gratitude postings on my blog. I was reading an article in Reader's Digest about how being grateful and expressing it at least once a week makes a person happier. So at first I decided, oh, I will post everyday then but I went back and reread the article or the rest of the story as they say and here is the gist of it. People who started out this experiment gungho and wrote in a gratitude journal everyday soon became burned out and went back to the old way. The feelings of thankfulness and a sense of well being disappeared. The study showed that those who expressed their gratitude once a week kept up the practice and over time showed increased levels of happiness and contentment with their lives.

I have been going through a battle with anger and resentment. My mom has constantly been on my case about not being thankful for what I have and not being grateful. So when I read this article I decided I really needed to try it. I am becoming more bitter daily and I hate that about myself. I have so much to be thankful for. A lot of the anger is really disappointment in people and the resentment is rooted in feelings of self-pity about being ill. I can't change the circumstances I am in, only God has been able to move for me and He has on numerous occasions. I just get frustrated and depressed about how long it is taking for things to change. So having said all this I believe I need to express my gratitude and I am going to try to do so once a week. This is Palm Sunday and what better day to start this than on the day we celebrate Jesus' coming to Jerusalem and the week that led up to His crucifixion. So here goes my list for this week:

1. I am thankful that I am a child of God.

2. I am grateful for Jesus and His sacrifice for me on Calvary.
3. I am thankful I was raised to know and love God.
4. I am thankful for the Holy Ghost and His comforting presence in my life.

Now for more personal everyday gratitide.

1. I am thankful for bread, even though I am not supposed to eat a lot of it and I didn't while trying to eat lower carb. I don't want to put it before God but I am thankful for getting to eat bread again.
2. I am thankful for my home, God provided me a home 6 years ago after years of being tossed about from place to place and I am so thankful to be settled and have a peaceful place to live.
3. I am thankful for a means of support for myself and that God provides for my every need and most of my wants. I feel quite spoiled most of the time. I feel like all I have to do is think I would like to have this and I get it. Example: My sister brought groceries in and I hadn't asked her to get bologna but somehow my mother realized I wanted it and when I looked in the bag there was bologna. Little things mean a lot.

Being grateful is a state of mind you can choose to have. I hope this is a step to me overcoming my battle, becoming more thankful, and bringing joy and happiness into my life.

New project and teaching.

2009-12-01T05:33:00.000-05:00

Coming to the end of the semester and looking back on the blog posts. There haven't been that many. It doesn't mean that life hasn't gone on. Actually it means I have a more active life than I had before. I am so thankful for the opportunity that has been provided for me to attend college over the internet. I am realizing a dream I have had since I was a small child. I wanted to be a teacher from a young age. I have two younger sisters and I made them play school all the time and of course I was the teacher. The farther along I get in the process the more I realize this is what I am supposed to do. Teach. I naturally love to see others learn something, anything. My niece Rayvn spent the night with me after Thanksgiving. She is very curious by nature and we were laying on the bed talking and she was asking me questions. Somehow this turned into a math lesson. I was surprised that she readily grasped the fact that anything times 0 is 0. This is a concept that is sometimes hard to understand and she just got it. I really don't think it had to do with my teaching ability but her intelligence but seeing the look in her eyes when she grasped the concept just magnified my love for teaching. I am starting a new project soon and I want everyone to pray for me that I will be able to do a good job. This project will last for a while maybe even years and I am looking forward to it. I just need prayer that I will be able to use the skills I am developing and present the material in the right way.

Horribly behind

2009-11-13T14:12:00.000-05:00

I love to blog. I actually came into this area today because I am taking a technology class and one of the assignments was to explore Blogger, I was like ha, ha. I haven't had time to go there since school started. I am taking 5 classes and it is all I can do to keep up with that. I love school though, the little stresses are worth what I get out of it. My mind is staying active on things other than my problems and that is the biggest reward I could get out of it, well besides the fact that I will have a degree one day hopefully. I didn't go to Myrtle Beach during fall break. I wasn't feeling well that month, ear was swelled closed and our church had a fall bazaar during that time and Devin helped in it I believe. Anyway I have been doing well lately. I have actually been blessed with about two really good weeks. I was a little weepy yesterday because of the time of year but 1 bad day out of 14 is better than 14 out of 14. I am looking forward to Christmas this year. I actually have finished all my shopping except getting the cookbooks from church for my sisters bags. My dad died two weeks before Christmas so this is always a hard time of the year and I don't usually like Christmas but Devin and I have even talked about decorating soon so I am really ready for a good Christmas this year. I am thankful that God has brought me to a good place. I would like everyone to remember my friend Sandy. She is going through a lot and she needs all the prayers she can get.

The future looks good

2009-09-19T12:59:00.000-04:00

I am still plodding along on the weight loss. I had become a little discouraged with it all and had thought about quitting but I have decided to start again. Sometimes just making a new start at something helps you to get out of the rut you're in. My family thought that starting college would make me more nervous and anxious but it has actually helped alot. When you are alone all day long everyday, with the exception of when Devin is with me, it gets hard to keep your mind occupied and that's when the thoughts creep in. You know the one's I mean, your past, your failings, the insecurites, and fear. Sunday night a young brother got up to preach and it was like he was talking to me. He said that when things enter your mind get your mind on God instead. I am trying to get my mind on the Lord when those things enter my head. Then Monday night at the women's meeting Sis Brenda reinterated that thought. She told us of a saying I had heard all my life but it's nice to be reminded of it from time to time. Thoughts are like birds, you can't help one flying over your head but you can keep it from making a nest there. I am trying to keep the birds nest out of my hair now. I feel like I let one move in and hatch eggs for so long, lol. I am doing good in school and looking forward to learning a lot more. I love to learn, not so much the grading thing though. I am looking forward to fall break. Devin and I are planning on going to Myrtle Beach to visit my sister Chrissy, if it is the Lord's will and nothing doesn't happen. The future looks good.

First Week of School

2009-08-31T23:46:00.000-04:00

I am already tired and I have only been officially in school since Saturday. I have already gotten my first grade in English. I have turned in two discussions in English and Intro to Teaching and one in Geography. I have read my chapter in Intro and am trying to read my chapter in Geography. Yikes! and tommorrow I will be receiving two more books so that I can start taking these courses. I am starting to wonder did I bite off more than I can chew or am I just trying too hard when I need to pace myself. I am going to press on and I hope that I learn a lot in these courses. I haven't been in school in 17 years and I have never really studied in my life. I graduated high school with a 3.0 grade point average and I just mostly read what was assigned and did my homework and it just was there. I guess if I had studied or actually tried I would have had a higher GPA. I don't know if I even know how to study. I have been looking at the resources offered online for studying help and I am contemplating using them. I don't know when I will get to post again so keep me in your prayers that my 35 year old stagnant brain will start to function again and that I can so the coursework I have.

Praise Him in Everything

2009-08-24T13:47:00.003-04:00

Isn't it funny how God teaches you lessons? I felt like giving up on losing weight. I was stuck and had been for a while. I was yo-yoing up and down 10 lbs. I have lost 71 lbs. in all but I haven't been able to get past that hump. So I sort of gave up and then my wheelchair broke. Well, talk about a wake-up call. Without my chair I was unable to go to church or do anything about getting ready for school. I was stuck mostly in the bed all day long. I couldn't cook, wash dishes, or do laundry. For some that would be a good excuse but it drives me crazy not to be able to do these simple tasks. My aunt who passed away in February had a wheelchair but she weighed about 125 lbs. so I was stuck perching on this tiny chair to fix me a sandwich or check my email and the longest I could stand to sit there was about 20 minutes because it was killing my legs to balance my weight constantly. So I guess I need to get a move on it in the weight loss department. I can't give up because I don't want to have to depend on a wheelchair to do everyday tasks if I don't have to. It would be different if the weight wasn't the main cause and reason for my arthritis being so bad but I hope when I do lose the weight I will be able to do more and the weight being off my joints should help tremendously. So I guess God does work in mysterious ways and sometimes you have to look for the lesson in the bad times to be able to praise Him in everything.

Diabetes

2009-08-06T14:31:00.003-04:00

I have been diagnosed as a diabetic since I was about 21 or 22 years old. In all that time I have never really had extremely high blood sugar readings. That was until recently. I have had some lower 200's but not the extremes of 300-500 like some folks do. My hemoglobin A1C has been in the normal to slightly abnormal range with the help of medication and I have felt pretty good for the last 10 years about my blood sugar readings.

Normal ranges for blood sugar are between 70-120 and for A1C levels 4-6

My A1C(which is measured every three months) averaged around 6.

Until earlier this year or was it at the end of last year. Anyway I had been swelling alot and I noticed on one of my diabetic medications that prolonged use could do that to you so I spoke with my doctor and we agreed (or rather he said ok your going to do it anyway) to take me off that medicatio and try something new. Well I didn't do well on any other medications before and the only things left for me to try were new medications like Byetta(which I tried)and insulin. I have a phobia about needles and they would both have to be injected. Byetta twice a day and insulin once. Well the logical choice would have been the insulin right. Well you know me I had to choose the Byetta first and I hated taking it. I felt weird and sick to my stomach all the time. I hated giving myself the shots because they left bruises that hurt for days. So with anything I take or don't want to take I become passive aggressive. I just didn't take it and my sugars got higher and higher. I was sleeping all the time. Thirsty, tired and irritable and that is just a few of the things that were happening.

I went to the doctor a while back and we decided(or rather he said I had no choice) that I would take the insulin. At first I hated the idea but then I realized it doesn't hurt like the Byetta. The needle on the pen is smaller and I only have to take it before I go to bed which works great for me so I can remember to take it at the same time everyday. So far my sleepiness has gone away and I am not thirsty all the time. My patience is a little thicker and I am still tired but I haven't gotten my blood sugars all the way to where they need to be.

I have told all of this to ask for this. I am just realizing what a dangerous state I have been in. My nutritionist Siri wants me to really keep up with this better and I am going to try. I want everyone to pray for me that I will take this more seriously and that I will try harder and that I will succeed in getting my blood sugar levels under control.

I haven't really thought about the consequences of this disease before. I was so young when I was diagnosed and it has been ok for so long that I have sort of pushed it to the back of my head. I am not wanting to live in fear but awareness.

Circumstances

2009-08-04T01:05:00.003-04:00

I have been going through some things lately that lots of others may never face. Dealing with my weight loss, being in a wheelchair, living alone, etc. were things that I had gotten used to. God was slowly but surely bringing me through those difficult things but lately other things have started to creep in. I guess you could say life started to happen again. It's like I have been in a freezer for a few years and I am being let out in a different place and I feel lost. The last few months have been rough and life keeps happening but the difference is I am learning to deal with it differently. I am learning to trust God. It is hard for me to trust anyone. Everyone I have ever trusted has hurt me. Our pastor talked about how even God forsook his son, Jesus, this weekend and how He had to do that not because He wanted to but because that's the only way Jesus could know how we feel. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I know Jesus is my friend and I am putting my trust in Him. I know He has given me family and friends to help me but He and He alone has never failed me and has never left me. Though sometimes I want to run away from life and just hide or not wake up I am learning with God I can make it through. And as a wise old woman told me tonight, Life is worth living.

VBS Day 5

2009-07-31T22:07:00.002-04:00

Today we learned that Jesus is our Rescuer. The bible story was about Jesus and Peter walking on the water. We made aquariums and I asked the kids to make them look like what it would have looked like under the water to Peter. The kids were angels tonight. I believe this was the best night yet with their attitudes and with their behavior. I had so much fun. The preschoolers even made an aquarium for me.
I had a challenge with an individual tonight and I am praying that I did the right thing. I am trying to learn to defend myself against things in the right way. I was not in the wrong and tried to explain to that person what happened and they got ugly with me. I have anxiety attacks and this happened before I had some of the kids so I was extra stressed. Please pray that I can get over my hurt feelings and that I do the right thing.

VBS Day 4

2009-07-31T22:00:00.002-04:00

Day 4 we talked about how God is our Defender. We taught a wonderful story about Elisha and how the King of Syria had an army that was coming against God's people. I had never read this story until I was studying for the bible school. God told Elisha what the Syrians were doing and everytime they would come against the people of God they would be thwarted. The Syrian King found out about Elisha being a prophet and ordered his army to take him. Needless to say God had a force mightier than they did and in the end the Israelites showed compassion on the Syrians when they were captive and they didn't come against them again. The kids loved learning about the armies and had so many questions. They are so great. I have had a wonderful time and I have learned alot both from the material being taught and from the kids themselves. Tonight's craft was a mask.

VBS Day 3

2009-07-29T22:22:00.002-04:00

Today we talked about how Jesus is our shelter. We discussed that we can turn to him when we were afraid and we also talked about Noah and the Ark and how God provided a safe place for Noah and his family and the animals. We had a really good time. The kids were a little more rowdy tonight but that is to be expected. The craft was making bracelets that had the colors of the rainbow in beads. I am really tired and I have a big day tommorrow so I will post again then.

VBS Day 2

2009-07-29T00:45:00.002-04:00

Tonight the theme for VBS was Jesus is our provider. We discussed Elijah and how God provided food for him by sending the ravens and how God sent him to the widow and she gave him the last food she had and God blessed her her whole life because she did. The kids were awesome. I really enjoy them alot. And of course I have gotten hugged to death. I think I have averaged at least half the kids hugging me each night. Rayvn got to go tonight and afterwards when we got back to my house she wanted to play VBS and she was the leader. It is so funny, if she enjoys doing something she always plays it when we get home. I have the same recording of a song we sang tonight on my computer and she had me turn on the music so she could pretend to be leading the songs. It was so sweet. I don't get to see her enough. Jaylen and Connie came by on their way home and I got to hold him and love on him a little. All in all a good day. Pray that it won't rain during VBS tommorrow and Krista says to pray for Charlie, also.

VBS Day 1

2009-07-28T13:48:00.002-04:00

Last night was the first night of our VBS and I am in charge of crafts. I don't really feel that crafty but I want to do what I can to help. I had a great time. We were learning about how Jesus is our guide. Of course, Rayvn had to say Jesus is our guidance. I thought that was so cute because it was definitely something I would probably say. We do tend to get carried away. All of the kids were so good in my class. Even the one's that usually are a little rowdy. Christian told me he promised his dad he would try to be good. I was so proud of them. We discussed how God led the children of Israel out of Egypt by following a cloud and a pillar of fire. Michael thought it was a pillow and asked me how it didn't burn them up. I told them God created all things and He can make a fire not burn you if He wants to. I love all the questions because it means they are listening and if they are asking things it means their little brains are working and analyzing what was said and they will remember it. Pray for me that I will not be nervous and that I will be able to help them learn what they need to from their teacher, Bro. Charlie.

Weekend and Computer

2009-07-27T13:58:00.004-04:00

First of all my computer is fixed. I had evidently uninstalled a program wrong and it created a firewall and my computer could not get a connection. Duh, I should have known it was something this simple. Anyway I am back online and I will be starting school next month. I am going to college online and I hope it works out. On to the last weekend.

I attended The Church of God of the Union Assembly at Scottsboro's First Annual Souled Out Youth Rally. I had an awesome time. The kids were so great. It was wonderful to witness them worshipping God. Little ones as well as us big kids had a great time. Silent Praise from Atlanta opened up the event and the sign language they performed to the songs was so beautiful. I am almost crying just thinking about it. Then Dalton's group performed a drama to music and it really made you think about your life and the live's these kids live. Problems with drugs, alcohol, and peer pressure were some of the prevailing themes that the songs they preformed had in common. Then the group from Bessemer performed and later I found out they had only been doing this for a couple of months but they did just as good as the other two groups. What impressed me most about them was the age range and the fact that the littlest was working just as hard for God as the oldest. It was so wonderful. They all did awesome. With all the groups that performed it was so heartfelt and real. I had never witnessed a drama team perform before but it was great. After a brief supper break the groups started performing. I really enjoyed the group from Atlanta and Cody Cookston did a wonderful job also. Justified of course was my favorite but I have to say this or Devin and Sonny will kill me. Just kidding, they did a great job. I am so proud of Devin. Sonny had asked her to sing a song with him and she was so nervous but she did it anyway and she did so good. Eric Cookston's daughter sang next and she was wonderful. Such a clear sweet voice. While Cody was singing kids filled the altar and it was so sweet. Everyone had so much love and was so precious. The group from Scottsboro was the last I got to see perform and then we had to leave. I had been up since 5:30am and it was 10:30pm our time. I was so tired. We had a great time and I hope to get to go to more things like this again. I got to see friends I haven't seen in years and my MySpace page is now full of people I met or hadn't seen in years. Still recovering a little but well worth it.

In other news our VBS starts tonight and I am in charge of the crafts. Please pray that I will do a good job and that something I might say will stick with these kids for the good. Like Bro. Gene Moody and Bro. Jerry Cassell was talking about last night let my words be fitly spoken. I'll post again soon.

P.S. Sonny drove over a huge bridge and I was able to go over it without having an anxiety attack. I got a little nervous but I made it through and I want to thank God for it. I am terrified of heights and water so this was a double whammy.

God's abundant mercies on me

2009-06-11T12:49:00.003-04:00

God has blessed me abundantly since I last posted. I have lost a total of 68 lbs. and I am hoping to have lost more when I go back next week. I am getting to go out more and I am going to church all the time. Andy and Teresa McCoy have been taking me places besides church. I went to a concert in April. The Kentucky Headhunters were in Campbell County and Teresa and Andy came and got me and took me. That was the first concert I had ever attended. I am looking forward to what God has in store for me in the future. I know He is moving in a mighty way for me. Devin is now my helper and we have a ball. She has me out and going all the time. Eating out and shopping were things I could only dream of getting to do in the past. Now I am shopping for my own things and eating out with my church family and friends often. I am in better spiritis and I am able to walk around more. I know I haven't been able to write in my blog in a long time. I have missed seeing how everyone is doing. I borrowed my niece Sara's laptop to sort of catch up with everyone. God has been so good to me. I could never thank Him enough. Nine months ago I spent up to 20 hours a day in bed, now I go places and spend time with others. My life has changed so drastically and I know it has only been by the grace of God.

2009-01-30T12:11:00.002-05:00

Krista had this on her blog and it pegged her right era and really I have always associated with this period of time when life was simpler. I think this is so funny that I am 34 and it says I get along with people my mom's age best. But I do!

You Belong in the Silent Generation

You fit in best with people born between 1925 and 1942.

You are a person of high values and character.

Family, your country, loyalty, and hard work all important to you.

You are willing to do what's right, even when it's difficult.

What Generation Do You Belong In?

Update- God's Blessings

2009-01-29T11:19:00.002-05:00

God has moved alot for me lately. I now have a home monitor device that I wear around my neck so the next time I fall and break something I can be like that little old lady who says "I've fallen and I can't get up". It was true for me in November 2007, I broke my knee and crushed the head of the bone that attaches to my knee. Not fun, I laid in bed 6 weeks and hopped on my walker. My friend JoAnn brought me breakfast about 3-4 times a week and my sister's Chanda and Connie brought food by to me about 3 times a week. Connie brough her little refrigerator down and installed it in my bedroom so I could eat sandwiches and stuff. I was miserable and in pain and I pray I don't have to go through that again. Some wanted me to go to my mom's house but she has more steps going into her house than I do mine and she couldn't come stay with me because Rayvn, Chanda's daughter was in school and Chanda works nights. Anyway back to the subject at hand.

Food is going to be delivered to my house every two weeks. It is a part of the meals on wheels program sort of. They come from mom's meals and they have a web site by the way. What I have had so far is delicious and they are pre-portioned so I can still follow my diet.

I should have said at the beginning that I am now enrolled in the Medicaid Waiver program. This provides assistance to the elderly and disabled so that they don't have to go to the nursing home. I wasn't in danger of going to the nursing home but my sister Chanda is unable to take care of me like she has been. She and my mom clean my house and Chanda gets all my food in and mail and that sort of thing. I will now have a helper 30 hours a week, as soon as they hire someone, that will be here for me to take a bath, help me clean my house, go to church and doctor's appointments with me. I am excited. That means that Chanda won't have to lift my chair and she won't be in pain because of it. It also means that I will be out of my comfort zone of being by myself except for about 3-4 hours a week when my family is here helping me. I have agoraphobia and can't stand to leave my house and I have difficulty having people in my house. Even my friends and family sometimes. I guess it's because I have been alone so long. So I am excited that God is taking me out of my comfort zone because that's where we grow. I know that I will have to face trials but I don't want to be so hermitlike any longer. I am trying to be positive and upbeat about the whole thing because I know God is in the works and has a bright future for me. He is helping me lose weight and overcome the obstacles that have had me bound. He is so good to me. I feel like I don't praise Him enough for all he does for me. He has been with me at my lowest moments and kept me safe when I was too stupid or crazy to keep myself safe.

The difference between strength and courage

2009-01-22T14:28:00.003-05:00

My mom found this poem the other day when she was going through some papers. The poem fell out of a card my cousin Sandy had sent to her. The name of the author was not on the paper, so Author Unknown.

The difference between strength and courage

It takes strength to be certain
It takes courage to have doubt

It takes strength to fit in
It takes courage to stand out

It takes strength to feel a friend’s pain
It takes courage to feel your own pain

It takes strength to hide your own pain
It takes courage to show it

It takes strength to stand guard
It takes courage to let down your guard

It takes strength to conquer
It takes courage to surrender

It takes strength to endure abuse
It takes courage to stop them

It takes strength to stand alone
It takes courage to lean on a friend

It takes strength to love
It takes courage to be loved

It takes strength to survive
It takes courage to live

I hope that this makes you think and realize what strength and courage you have inside. I just loved this poem when my mom read it to me. It came at a time when I was struggling in my diet journey. I hope you enjoy it.

Today

2009-01-20T13:33:00.002-05:00

Today has been a historic day. The first black US president. I watched the inauguration at 12 or a little after, I missed the swearing in. I remember the first time I watched it was when President Reagan was sworn in. I was so excited then. I was probably what 6 or something. Now at 34, to watch something I never thought would happen in my lifetime. I remember thinking back then that somewhere in Africa or something had a female black president and thinking why don't we have one. At six you don't understand the political situation of a country. I loved Rev. Lowery. I laughed so hard at his closing remarks. I even cried as he read his prayer for our nation. I pray that this nation prospers myself. The financial situation doesn't look promising but my mom says that she was born during the depression and those people who have always had plenty are going to learn how to be thankful for what God gives them. I am so blessed now in my life. There have been times when I was a child that we didn't know where the next meal was coming from. God always supplied our needs. I remember one time we didn't have a stove or refrigerator. They had broken down and someone had let us use theirs for a while and then they needed them back. We had a tiny refrigerator my mom's friend had in her camper and a microwave forever. My aunt would come over at least once a week and my mom would keep her in the living room so she wouldn't know. My aunt finally one day just went straight to the kitchen. She was in shock. We hadn't had a stove in almost a year. She turned around and went home and one hour later we had a stove. She had gotten a new one from her son's new mobile home and gave us her old one. God supplied that need. Everytime we would be without food another aunt would call mom and ask her to take her to the grocery store. She would get items 2 for 1 and give the extra to my mom. Invariably everytime my mom went there she cleaned out her freezer and gave mom what she didn't want. She didn't know until I was grown that we didn't have anything at those times. I used to worry when I was at school what my mom was eating. She didn't know I worried until lately. She assured me she always had something to eat. When my dad was alive we always had food because he always had a garden but mom was sickly for awhile and didn't feel like putting out a garden and just got out of the habit. I am not saying these things for sympathy just letting everyone know that God always supplies our needs. He may not give us exactly what we want but we always have what we need. Times are hard now but this country has faced hard times before. We will overcome with God's help.

WOOHOO!

2009-01-16T13:26:00.002-05:00

Thank God! I have lost 24 more pounds. 37 in total, yeah! I am so excited. I can't hardly believe it. I was trying not to get my hopes up. I was trying to remain calm. When the nutritionist told me I say no way, I can't believe that then I yelled YEAH! I know last time I was disappointed that I hadn't lost a lot but this time I am being more realistic and I was rewarded with 24 pounds! You should see me I am jumping off the walls(not literally even though I am so hyper I maybe could). I couldn't wait to tell everyone. Thank you for all the prayers and support! love you all!

Tommorrow I weigh

2009-01-15T15:34:00.002-05:00

I am a little anxious because tommorrow I weigh if nothing happens. I don't feel like I have lost any more weight and I am nervous because I don't want to get discouraged. I know I will have ups and downs. I am trying to get prepared mentally for tommorrow. Just leaving my house tommorrow will be a big deal because I haven't been anywhere since Christmas Eve and that was only to my mom's house then. The agoraphobia is trying to kick in but I know God will help me to leave tommorrow and not have an anxiety attack. Please pray that I will be able to make it through tommorrow.

Nutritionist Today

2009-01-09T19:34:00.003-05:00

I have decided to shake my routine up and really get serious. I have been struggling along with my eating. It is so hard to start eating 4-5 times a day when you are used to eating one large meal and I couldn't face having to decided what to eat and how much to eat that many times a day. It was getting on my nerves. So I talked to my nutrionist today and we are doing psuedo meal replacement. I will be having breakfast(with actual breakfast food which I hardly ever eat) 1 slimfast shake, then 2 later on, and finally a lean cuisine for supper. This way all portion sizes are already there and all I have to do is do the plan. I feel I have to make a drastic change because I have so much weight to lose. I started at (gasp) 652 lbs. I have decided I have to be honest with me and everyone and I have to make changes immediately. Of course I lost 13lbs and I will weigh next Friday for the third time and hopefully will have lost more. This seems to be a daunting task because my metabolism is so slow due to infrequent eating and a thyroid problem. I used to go between 18-24 hours between meals and I have not eaten for 36 hours and I wasn't fasting then. It always seems harder to do without food when you are fasting. As long as I didn't eat I wasn't hungry. I would get fainty because I am a diabetic but not really hungry. Sis. Ruby fusses at me all the time to eat. She would call and wake me up some mornings before and demand I get up and eat. She is so funny. She bosses me as much as my mom does. I need to listen to these godly women who are counseling me and telling me things for my benefit. I'll let everyone know how I fare on the new diet.

Addendum to Butterfly

2009-01-05T21:55:00.003-05:00

I can't believe it but all day the day I wrote the previous blog and ever since then I have come across butterflies. I don't know if they were always there or if God is putting them in my way to help me remember what I learned but it really is remarkable how something so small has such a big impact on you. I mean I was searching a discount catalog sight for bargains and out of the blue up popped a butterfly quilt. I was in kitchen not bed/bath section so this was really funny and then when I logged onto myspace a bumpersticker picture was flashing of a butterfly. How odd is that. I guess I will just have to thank God for reminding me and learn what I need to. I have a hard head and sometimes it takes me a while to get important life lessons. I pick up knowledge like trivia and that sort of thing really easily but important things take me a while to grasp. This journey(the weight loss one) has already brought me to and through so much. Some of the things I am learning are:

To love myself and to make myself as important as everyone else in my life(I feel really selfish doing this so this might take a while)
To listen to how God is leading me, this I am learning day by day
To appreciate what God has already given me and the opportunities he is putting before me
To pray in everything, I have a hard time praying for myself. I think most people would find this odd but I have learned to pray to God about my situation instead of always praying for everyone else and believing God knows what I want. I have learned He likes us to ask him for things. It shows we need Him.
To embrace the love He has for me, It is so hard for me to take compliments and to accept any help and I believe God is putting me in this place to show me that I can count on Him and that He will always take care of me. I feel like I have always been the one to take care of everyone and everything, any big sister knows how I feel, and now God is showing me who I can count on and I can count on Him and surprisingly my family, both natural and spiritual.
That sometimes the truth is right there staring you in the face and you are too wrapped up in everything going on around you to realize it.
I have learned that I have not been who I really am for a long time. My niece Rayvn has helped me remember who I always was because she is so much like me and I have decided I liked myself then and I want to recapture at least the good parts of me and start living again instead of existing.

Thank you for reading this diatribe(word I just learned the meaning of today, long discourse). I appreciate all who read this and I feel your prayers for me.

Butterfly

2009-01-02T13:15:00.003-05:00

I talked to my nutritionist today and I was complaining about how hard this week was and how I just wanted to give up. She reminded me that changing is painful and that to grow we have to go through some pain. It made me think of how a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. Even leaving the cocoon is a test to see if they are ready. It takes flexing and building up the muscles they need to fly to burst forth from the cocoon. If someone came along and opened it for them they wouldn't survive. I have to struggle through this to come out on the other end stronger and more resilent and the woman that God meant for me to be not the woman I became by letting this world weigh me down. She told me to pray and ask God for guidance. I am thankful that she gave me that information and that she is supportive of my faith as well as my journey to better health. I will be praying for God to help me and give me strength and reading Krista's blog just reminded me even more to put my trust in God.

Life

2008-12-29T02:39:00.002-05:00

This week has been a roller coaster ride. From a high high to a low low. Tuesday my personal trainer came to my house for our first session. He was really nice and I think I am going to like having him come to see me once a week for support and for learning how to move my body so I can get healthier. God just worked this out so that I could have the support I needed to lose weight. I spent Christmas Eve day at my mom's house. I almost fell when I was leaving and had a hard time getting to the car to go home. This totally ruined everything that had went before. I spent Christmas Day at home by myself which had sort of been the tradition since I moved out of my mom's house 5 years ago. Friday night I started having a melt down. I cried all weekend. On Sunday afternoon a brother from church that has never called me before called my mom and got my phone number and called me to check on me. I cried and cried when I got off the phone because I knew God had heard my cries and was letting me know that He heard me and that I would be ok. After church Sunday night a sister who I have known my whole life but who rarely calls me called and just wanted to know if I was ok. I am thankful for my church family and for God impressing on their hearts that I needed someone to pray and I needed someone to reach out to me. I get so frustrated sometimes and I wonder when it all will get better or when things will change but I just have to keep focused and learn to roll with this crazy thing called life.

Family Christmas

2008-12-21T14:49:00.004-05:00

Yesterday my family celebrated Christmas. The kids couldn't wait to open their presents and Jaxon started opening them up before everyone got there. I wanted to share my plan for yesterday. I talked to my mom and found out what was being served and then I planned what I would eat accordingly. My mom brought a plate to me and I ate in the livingroom with the kids playing while everyone else ate around the kitchen table. I know this didn't help in distancing myself from others but it helped me achieve my goal of not overeating. I ate mostly protein and vegetables and didn't eat potato salad or bread. I enjoyed a sugar free dessert and savored the taste of all the other food I allowed myself to eat. The only set back was when two of my sisters started eating dessert in front of me. I asked one of them to not bring anything else in and then the other one came in so I asked her to go back to the kitchen. No one really liked that I did that but I need to be true to myself and I couldn't handle the temptation of fudge and cake. I hope by this time next year I am able to walk around and enjoy being with my family without having to plan ahead but if not I will make it. I have to keep telling myself that I can win this fight with God's help.

The Joy and Pain of two year olds

2008-12-17T14:42:00.004-05:00

I have a had wonderful past two days. I have felt happy and hopeful. Of course watching a 2 year old play always puts a smile on my face. My sister Chrissy brought her son Jaxon to visit yesterday. He is so smart. He can watch you do something one time and then he knows how to do it from then on. He can even see part of what you are doing and figure the rest out. He has had a delay in speech but in my family it is probably more of not being able to get a word in edge-wise. He is the kind of person who sets back and looks over the situation and then acts. He's a lot like my dad that way. He has the most incredible little laugh. He laughs all the time and it is so infectious. He also has the worst temper I have ever seen. He screams if he doesn't get his way and he doesn't give up or back down. You know when a kid does something and you tell him to look you in the eye and most kids won't they will do anything to keep from looking you in the eye because they know they are in trouble. Well he will look you straight in the eye and he doesn't back down or give up. My nieces and nephews are just wonders but of course I am prejudiced. Sara and Bayker have already showed musical talent and Rayvn is so tender hearted. Jaxon is just a bundle of joy. Mom says he is meaner than a striped snake but of course it's when he is acting like granny that he is mean(usually when he won't back down for nothing). I think it is funny how they will stare each other down because it's her eyes only brown looking at her. I don't think she has realized that yet. I guess I should stop talking about him for now.

Loneliness and Hope

2008-12-12T14:33:00.003-05:00

I have made some interesting revelations about myself in the past week or so. I have made myself alone. I know that whole sentence sounds funny but I have. I have felt rejected so many times and instead of enduring that kind of hurt again I have withdrawn and not let anyone in. The weight has also been a way to withdraw or isolate. I have felt like ok if people are going to reject me I will give them a reason. I will be fat and then they will not like me because of that and not because I am bossy or not funny or too serious. I have used the pounds to put a wall up around my heart physically, mentally, and emotionally. All of this comes at an emotional time for me. November 16th was the two year anniversary of my best friend, Doug's death and December 11th was the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. I have to move past these things. Neither of these special men would want me to stay mired in the grief I feel for them this time of year. I have decided to celebrate their lives this year and to also enjoy this season of hope and love now more than ever before. I have to open up to people and writing this blog, though sometimes it makes me uncomfortable, has been a way to do that. I have known Krista for years now but we have never really talked or anything and Valerie I have known of for years also and I have never really talked to her either but somehow I have been able to open up to the two of you. I know other people will eventually read this and that's ok but I have allowed someone in and that feels like a major accomplishment right now. This past week has been horrible on my weight loss journey. I have let down in taking my blood sugar and I have not written any food in my food journal but I feel like I have grown a little because I have been dealing with the past and dealing with the reasons I have reached the weight I have.
I received a wonderful blessing in my nutritionist appointment yesterday. My nutritionist was joined by a personal trainer that works with her in helping people manage their weight and reach their goals. The personal trainer saw right through all the carefully developed facade of my outward appearance and saw how I was just covering up my hurt and pain and not letting myself be vulnerable and trusting. I almost started crying which I hate to do in public. My sister Chrissy did start crying and that made it worse for me. I have got to learn to feel my feelings. Sounds really odd doesn't it. To feel your feelings, what else can you do with them. I have become a master at covering them up and hiding what I really felt. I have dealt with anger and depression in the last couple of weeks and as the weight is coming off I have to deal with what got me to that place in the first place and that has been a difficult thing to do. Not dealing with my feelings has only gotten me to the place of having anxiety attacks and anxiety related seizures. As I deal with the feelings the anxiety has come over me but I know now that I will get through the anxiety attack and I will make it out the other side.

Found this on Krista's blog

2008-12-11T20:14:00.003-05:00

This was on Krista's blog and I thought I would try this also. I, like Krista, will highlight the things I have done. There are 200 of these so sorry if it takes forever to read.

Have you ever:

1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris- I planned to and even took 3 years of French in High School but they went to Spain instead of France the year I was eligible so I didn't get to go.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty- when I was 13 with the church group only reason I did was because Johnny Herbie Pratt said I couldn't which was just a ploy to get me to do it.
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort-does a snow commode count
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run-only because the people kept dropping the ball so I made all the way home
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors- if the little cabin where my mom was born counts
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied- every time I pay my bills and have enough left over to do me until I get more money
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight-no but I could bench press 145lbs at one time
46. Milked a cow-no but I have milked a goat when I was a little girl
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke-at home with my family
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest-no but does second count, 4th grade went as Cindy Lauper
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently-like I said 3 years of French but can't do it now.
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone - physical
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy-didn't buy it but play with my dolls and stuff with my niece
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did-Shelton Laurel Masacre
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover-haven't finished but have tried 2 years in a row to do this maybe this year
86. Changed someones mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name-as in Alias since I was doing something I shouldn't have been, not illegal but probably was immoral, young and stupid at the time
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad-started an English translation but just couldn't do it
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch - does sewing count?
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair-I have had blonde, crayon red, purple, hot pink, black, brown, and auburn colored hair, natural is dark brown graying
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all four-and the cat was mad at me forever, when I was a kid
106. Raked your carpet - when I was a kid
107. Brought out the best in people- or so I was told by supervisors and ex boyfriends
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe.
113. Buried a child
114. Gone to a Broadway (or equivalent to your country) play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket-actually won the women's three point shoot out at the factory where I worked in KY, only two men in the whole company did better and I wasn't even trying, my mom is a great basketball player and played center on her elementary school team and she taught me to shoot.
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird-no but I have hit one with the car
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone-used to volunteer to teach people to read and also volunteered at an after school program helping children who were academically challenged
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style- helped bring the poof to my high school but Chanda, my sister, had the best poof we called it her bunker
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book-self published a silly story for one of my sister's when she was sick.
128. Pieced a quilt- (a very small one!)
129. Lived in a historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one - does Putt Putt count?- I beat Jaron just don't remind him because he will say I cheated and I didn't
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating-fell three times before I even got into the rink so I gave up 135. Ran a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo- a brother at church asked me to and I am tone deaf but he seemd to think I could sing so I gave it a try and almost fainted
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment-just today I said thank you to a compliment instead of my first thought of making a joke about it
145. Written a love-story
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David-on same church trip some of the ladies were scandalized and didn't want me to look even though I was 13 and totally clueless about why
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury-does mock trial in school count
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers-the definition is short like underpants
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator- for a short time during a power outage probably why I am terrified of them now
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life-Chrissy would disagree but she fell in the ocean when I was 12 and she was 8 and I pulled her out by her long red hair. The tide was taking her out and everything. She was more mad at me for pulling her hair.
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint-know how to needlepoint-badly, have a tatting shuttle and some tatting my grandmother made
178. Laughed till your side hurt-just tonight at Jaxon throwing a fit
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hostel
184. Been a cashier-in high school helped run the store in Marketing and I ran the cash register then.
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a camp fire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube-finally
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend-just recently
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to a NJP newsletter

This was fun and I hope informative.

Food and My relationship to it

2008-12-05T13:17:00.002-05:00

I have always had a love/hate relationship with food. I love how it tastes and makes me feel but I hate that it controls so much of my life. In talking with my nutrionist today I have to come up with ways to distract myself from food and to focus my energy on something else. I have had a difficult week with feeling bad and worrying about my sister. I know I shouldn't worry but that is on thing God has not removed from me so I just have to keep fighting on. I turn to food for comfort and for security. I need to turn more to God and I also need to find an outlet for those feelings and another way to sooth my nerves and ease my troubled mind. Blogging has become therapy for me. I know there are only a few people who read this blog but I think mostly this is for me and the help it s giving to me. If someone else gets something from this then I am happy but I know it has helped me to make progress and I hope I continue to.

God IS MOVING!

2008-12-03T14:51:00.003-05:00

Chanda got to come home from the hospital today. The doctor informed her that he couldn't find an infection now. He was baffled that the MRI showed an infection and the culture has not shown one so far. YEAH! Isn't God so good to us! So he sent her home with a muscle relaxer and pain meds until Monday when she goes back to see him in his office. I know that it is the Lord moving for her. I know that she was prayed for by the brothers at church twice this weekend and I know God moved and is still moving. I just wanted to share this and Praise God for all he is doing for us. His tender mercies we never deserve but are so blessed with. I am so thankful that He touched her body. He has always been there for my family and He continues to watch over us and help us. I don't know what I would do without Him.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T16:07:00.002-05:00

I am so thankful for the wonderful Thanksgiving Day that my family had. I got to go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. In the past few years I have missed more family holidays than I have been able to attend. Last year I fell the day before Thanksgiving and broke my knee in two places so I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas so I feel especially blessed this year to get to spend the time with my family. This year I may even go on Christmas. I have spent Christmas Day at home the last four years. My family usually celebrates Christmas early because my sisters go to their in-laws homes on Christmas Day but this year my sister Chrissy's husband does not get off for Christmas til the day before and he will be coming from South Carolina so we will celebrate the Saturday after Christmas more than likely but I think I will go to my mom's on Christmas Day anyway. My sister Connie didn't come up for Thanksgiving and Candy was in Nashville with her husband's mother so it was the three babies, me, Chanda, and Chrissy and my brother-in-law Steve and my niece Rayvn and my nephews Jaxon and Bayker. We had a wonderful time and my mom actually cooked the meal this year. She hasn't cooked the Thanksgiving meal in about 4 or 5 years. Me, Chanda, or Chrissy and sometimes a combination of us all cook and Connie or Candy may bring a dessert or something but this year we kept it really simple and mom was able to cook it herself. Of course Chanda is not feeling well, I couldn't drive up there early and fix anything like I have before and Chrissy didn't get in til the night before so that is why she did it. I think it made her happy that she was able to do it. She has either had a broken arm or she had been sick every year. One year my sister Connie was in the hospital. Thank God that everyone was well this year. Speaking of being well my sister Chanda has to go in the hospital Tuesday for a biopsy on her spine. I am sort of upset about this not because I don't know that God can heal her but because this is the time of year we lost my dad and it always makes us cautious when one of us gets sick this time of year. My dad, Jay Shelton, died two weeks before Christmas 25 years ago and it still bothers us. I don't agree that time makes things better because some days it will hit me and it will be just like I was that 9 year old kid again. Of course those days are fewer and farther between but it is still there. Please be in prayer for my sister and my family. My baby sister Chrissy and her son Jaxon is going to stay with us until after Christmas. Her husband Steve and their oldest son Bayker are going home so please pray for Steve that Bayker won't get sick or anything and that he will be able to handle him alone. Chrissy is staying to help take care of my mom, Chanda, Rayvn, and me since we don't have anyone else to do it. Candy is in school until the middle of December and I know she will be helping too. Connie has to work and will not be able to help much but I know she will go to the hospital and sit with Chanda and help her as much as she can. Just please keep us in your prayers.

Rayvn's blog entry

2008-11-26T12:34:00.002-05:00

Rayvn is excited because she is going to see her cousins. Their names are Jaxon, Bayker, Sara, Tommy Ray, Megan, Tyler, Heath, and her brother Brandon. Her brother Brandon loves her. He hugs me everytime I go to see him. She can't wait to eat turkey on Thanksgiving. She is thankful for friends and family. I'm thankful for God, Jesus,and the food she has, and she is thankful that she has somewhere to sleep. This is probably because she got a new bedroom suit from her Aunt Candy and Uncle Gary because her bed was too small. She willbe celebrating Thanksgiving at her granny's house and then Friday she will go to her Meme's house.

Rayvn was at my house and we decided to post a blog entry for her. Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.

PS My sister Chanda has an infection in her spine(we don't think it is meningitis) and also has to have a biopsy on Tuesday morning. She will be out of work indefinitely and will be in the hospital about a week and then at home on iv antibiotics.

Sister

2008-11-25T16:07:00.002-05:00

I would like for anyone who is reading my blog to pray for my baby sister. It is funny sometimes to think of her as my baby sister because she is 6' tall and she more or less tells me what to do. We are only one year apart in age, actually 1 year and 9 days to be exact. She has been having problems with her back for quite a while now. She hasn't really wanted anyone to know but it is looking like there could really be something wrong with her. I depend on her to buy my groceries and to take me places and I have been trying to back off alot on going anywhere because she is always in so much pain afterwards but then she just fusses at me if I don't go and says you need to get out of the house. She doesn't know that for the last two months I have felt like leaving the house just not wanting her to have to pick up my wheelchair and put it in her truck. She has had two MRIs in the last week and tommorrow she will be going to a specialist. We really don't know what is wrong with her other than a disc is really overfilled with fluid and bone marrow is leaking out around it. Everything I have found on the web has led to arthritis or cancer and I am really scared. I spent my childhood taking care of her and she has spent the last two years taking care of me. She will always be my doll, I thought my parents were bringing her home for me to play with and I called her doll when she was born and that sort of stuck. I wish everyone would please pray for her. She has been through so much with an abusive marriage that she is finally getting out of and I hope that God spares her more pain. She has a six year old daughter who is me made over. I sometimes joke with her that God felt she hadn't learned what she needed to from me so He gave her another me to teach her more. So please pray for her and my family. I know God will see us through all of this I just hope it is really nothing.

Control

2008-11-24T13:03:00.007-05:00

I sort of flipped out over the weekend. My whole time was spent obsessing about food. My nutritionist had given me guidelines to go by in choosing my daily food intake. She had also put down that she wanted me to eat up to 6 times a day. Most people would probably think who hoo I can eat six times a day. Not me, I was like I have to face eating and choosing what to eat and when to stop six times a day. I sort of freaked and ate way too much and then today when I talked to her we changed plans. I am going to work on being mindful about what I eat, I am going to try to change some of my bad habits and I am going to keep writing in my food diary and taking my blood sugars and working a little at a time. I felt it was a control issue. Having a meal plan meant someone was controlling what I was eating and I wasn't in control anymore. I know what I have been doing in the past hasn't worked but I am not ready to be on a diet anymore I want to change habits and make wise choices myself not do what someone else tells me to do. That to me is not changing me it's controlling me and I have to be in charge of what I eat. I figured out since I am in the wheelchair I have lost control of all other aspects of my life but the food part. I know in the past I have been too controlling in my life and I have had to learn to give control over to my family and to God but the one little area of my life I was still controlling was what I eat. My nutritionist was so understanding and she is letting me tell her how I need her support now. I know that control is a habit I have to break but I am not ready to do that yet. Maybe someday I will be able to let go completely and stop being a control freak. I know that the part of me that is compulsive and a perfectionist has to be addressed and dealt with. I know I have to deal with guilt and other things. I know with the support of my family, friends, and nutritionist but most of all God I can conquer the problems and learn how to control my being controlling. Funny huh!

Nutritionist Report

2008-11-21T10:58:00.007-05:00

I am sort of anxious today. I just got off the phone with my nutrionist and she has asked me to eat more than I have been. Not in quantities but in times a day. Just two months ago I did well if I ate twice a day. I usually would eat one large meal and then I would not eat until the next day at the same time. I have started to eat three meals a day and I know that I have to learn to eat the right way and more often so that I can achieve my goal of losing weight. I have anxiety because I feel eating got me to where I am now and I have to learn that food is my friend not my enemy. I know that I have to turn to God for help in this and I have to be willing to change myself. I am trying to change and grow. This has been an uncomfortable thing for me but getting uncomfortable helps you to change habits and to grow as a person. I have for too long just tried to not be uncomfortable. I have not left my house unless I absolutely had to and I have used my discomfort to keep me prisoner to my anxiety and fear. I have to be uncomfortable, I have to face my fears. Psalms 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried unto the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the moutains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah
This is one place that I love when I am feeling anxious and alone, I know that I am never alone. I can do this with the Lord's help

Change- yourself and others

2008-11-20T13:13:00.008-05:00

I have been doing alot of thinking and soul searching in the last few months. I have been trying to change myself. I truly believe we can change no one but ourselves. I have never understood people that start dating someone and then say I see so much potential in that other person and I know I can change them or make them better in some way. I have never felt I should be in a relationship with someone I want to change. God can change people but I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that I want God to change. I feel that people need to accept others for who they are warts and all and love them like they are. If you have fundamental differences with a person like religion or the way you want to raise your children or what you think is right in general then you don't need to be with that person even if you are already in love with them. Some say love is enough but I believe that after the first bloom of love there has to be respect and you have to have shared goals and dreams. This is coming from a single woman but I have watched so many people go into marriage and relationships thinking that if they would only change this or that that everything would be perfect and those tiny differences have ended up causing them to divorce. I hate to hear people say I don't know what happened, all of a sudden things were different. I think people see through rose colored glasses lots of time. I have been in relationships with people who I have had differences of religion and ethics with I have tried to make those relationships work only to realize I would have to give up to much of myself and what I believe in to make them work. I see so many people hurting because their spouse changed after they were married. I think alot of people go along with what they think the other person wants just to get them and then it's like I have them I can be myself now. I want God to put me together with the person he wants me to be with. I want God to send someone to me that believes the same way I do and has the same morals and ethics and basic compatibility with me that I need. I don't want another me I want someone to compliment me. And if it is God's will that I don't marry then I am fine with that. It has taken alot of changing myself to get to this point.

Bad Day

2008-11-17T12:07:00.000-05:00

Two years ago today I lost a dear, dear friend. His name was Doug. He was 40 years old and died in a car accident. He was probably the best guy friend I ever had. I talked to him at least 4 times a week. The way we met was we went out on a date. Actually we ended up going out on two. The sparks didn't fly for either one of us but we found a friend. I think sometimes it is better to have a friend than a boyfriend. When I would be upset I would call him and tell him what was going on and he would cuss for me. I know that sounds funny but I try not to cuss and he would just start cussing and I would start laughing at him and I always felt better. I know that sounds crazy but I am the type of person who will let people walk over me until I just can't take it anymore then I will explode. Sometimes when I am sad or lonely I will wish he was still here to talk to. He was such a gentle soul naturally. He loved animals and tried to treat people with respect. He only cussed for me so I wouldn't and so I would laugh. We were the type of friends that if I needed him at 3:00 in the morning I could call him or if he needed me anytime he could call me. We didn't have any secrets between us and he knew the real me. Sometimes I think no one else really ever has. I realized that today was the anniversary of his death when I wished for the millionth time I could talk to him and then I saw the date. I thought the best way I could honor his memory today would be to do the one thing he always admonished me to do, take care of myself. He would be so proud of me for making a change in my life. He would be cheering me on at ever turn and making me start all over again. I know he would want me to be happy and so I am going to try to do that in honor of him and everything he meant to me.

13 not 32

2008-11-14T17:35:00.000-05:00

I lost 13 pounds. I know it wasn't the 32 that I had hoped for but 13 has always sort of been my lucky number. Not lucky in the superstitious sense but I just really like 13. I guess it all goes back to me always liking the underdog. 13 has such a bad rap and it hasn't done anything. I digress. I am really encouraged at first I was sort of disappointed but I did the math and that is 1.625 pounds per week and my nutritionist was excited that I was losing the weight healthfully. I have lost it quickly in the past and then just as quickly gained it all back and more so I guess slow and steady wins the race. I think it was Paul in the New Testament that said in whatever state I find myself to be content. I know this isn't exactly the direct quote but I couldn't quickly find the verse in the Bible. I am happy and content that I lost 13 pounds. I am thankful to God for helping me and making it different this time. This time has been totally different than anytime in the past. I feel encouraged and hopeful this late in the game. Most of the time by now I would have become discouraged. My nutritionist is trying to teach me to not feel guilty when I make a mistake but to learn from it. I hope that I will continue to grow and learn.

Tommorrow is W day

2008-11-13T09:10:00.000-05:00

Tommorrow I weigh in. After keeping a food journal for 8 weeks and with the help of a nutritionist I am finally weighing to see if I have lost any weight. I feel confident that I have but I am also nervous. I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds in the past. Usually I will lose 70-80 pounds and then get stuck and give up and gain it all back and more. I know alot of people are saying that's alot of weight but when you have hundreds to lose you get frustrated. With the help of God I know this time is different. My goal for tommorrow is 32 pounds and I know I am supposed to lose weight slowly but I hope initially I can lose an average of 4 pounds a week. Next month when I weigh I will have a goal of 3 pounds per week. I am a binge eater and a compulsive over eater. I have tried all the groups and diets that are commercially available, I have been to 6-8 therapists to try to figure out why I am overweight but I have recently been having consultations with a nutritionist once a week and she has directed me in figuring out my different types of hunger and she directed me to a site www.tcme.org . This site is The Center for Mindful Eating. I have learned alot of, for lack of a better word, rituals to help me in my battle against overeating.

Mindful eating checklist
Created Nov. 11, 2008

1. Evaluate my feelings, am I stressed, tired, sad, happy, bored, etc.
2. Evaluate my hunger on a scale of 0-10, 0 being not hungry, 10 being famished, try to eat before I get so hungry I overeat
3. Ask myself, what do I want, what do I need, what do I have?
4. Take steps to maintain portion control. Check packaging for portion size, cook only enough for one meal or immediately put up any remaining food after one portion size.
5. Enjoy the act of making my meal
6. When I eat concentrate only on the meal before me, don’t talk on the phone, watch t.v., or have any distractions, if distractions happen stop eating and remove myself from the food.
7. Enjoy the eating process, how each bite tastes, the contrasts of flavors and try to pick out each thing your tasting, sour, sweet, salty, savory, etc.
8. When I finish one portion re-evaluate feelings, hunger level, and if I only want more or am I actually still hungry
9. Remove myself from the food and redirect my focus if I am just emotional eating. Don’t ignore my cravings.

These are some things I learned that have helped me so far. I hope someone else can use this information to help them also.

My mother

2008-11-11T11:00:00.001-05:00

I was talking to my mom about what to name my blog and she said "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone." My mom, Anna Belle, is not big on being sorry for yourself. Everytime I get down she says to look at my blessings. You have a beautiful home don't you. Yes momma. You can walk a little bit can't you. Yes momma. You are not in a ditch somewhere with nothing to eat are you. No momma. She will not allow me to throw a pity party and her be an attendant. I know she is right. My life such as it is could be alot worse. I have alot of health problems but they could always be worse. When we go to church or anywhere for that matter and someone asks her how she is she always says I'm fine or I'm better than I have a right to be. Oh, by the way the comments above are actually what she says. Yes, she says you are not in a ditch somewhere. She has alot of colorful sayings and I will probably share more with you along the way. She is alot older than most parents of 34 yr olds. She is 73 and she is a character. She grew up in a mining community until her parents saved enough to build a house on my grandmother's property. She lived in a block house until she was 17 and then she moved to Michigan to live with my aunt and work in a candy factory. She has often told us of how she would make the big suckers that swirl around. She said she had to swirl them into a circle, cut the end off, and then put the stick in the bottom. She has lots of stories from where she has worked in her life. She actually worked until she was 6 months pregnant with me. She left Michigan to take care of my uncle Bill's children. That's how she met my dad. His mother was neighbors with my aunt and uncle. She has had an eventful and colorful life. Married at 18, 1st child at 19, second at 24, 3rd at 39, 4th at 40, and last but not least at 42 her 5th baby, all girls. She has always been a caretaker. She took care of my grandmother, my uncle Chalk, and my dad was chairman of the deacon board at church and she felt it was her responsibility to take care of everyone at church. She tried to make sure everyone had food, clothes, and a way to church. She has been present at more than 14 homebirths and helped each woman with cleaning the house, making a meal, etc. When I was small and people she knew passed away she would always show up at their house with a meal and would clean their house or do anything she could to make this time easier for them. After my dad died, when she was just 48, she slowed down alot. She didn't feel it was her place to do like she did before so she stepped back so the deacons' wives at church would step up and carry on her tradition. I think of her alot when our current chairman of the deaconboard's wife does the things my mom used to do. Momma often bemoans the fact that she is not able to do for people like she used to. She has osteoporosis and degenerative spine disorder as well as osteoarthritis and other ailments and that slows her down alot. She still will come to my house weekly and sweep or do things I am not able to do. I guess you could say that over the past few years she has become my best friend.